Picture this: You move to California to start your new life as a medium who speaks to the dead. One day, while shopping for gluten-free gluten at Trader Joe's, you bump into a crazy-haired Englishwoman. One thing leads to another, and "my husband, the insane nerd loser millionaire" this and "Johnny Depp" that, and suddenly it dawns on you that you're speaking to Helena Bonham Carter.
"This is a picture of me from that movie where I played a crazy-haired eccentric."
The next thing you know, she's inviting you over for her anniversary party, to be held inside Vincent Price's mausoleum. Great. BUT WHAT WILL YOU WEAR?!
This is something that's happened to all of us, but now, with the growing field of dead stuff jewelry and clothing, you'll always look your best when partying with the Burtons.
Why not a tasteful jacket from Alexander McQueen? Something that says, "Let's go out dancing, then out to a fine restaurant, and then home, where I will murder you."
Some pieces make more subtle use of animal remains, but subtlety won't get you on top of Lady Gaga's head, like this crafty rat headdress with bedazzled tail crafted from glitter-dusted childhood trauma:
Only two rats, because more would be distasteful.
Of course, sometimes the best thing to do with someone or something you've lost is to never let them die. Ever. That's just what Bernann McKinney was thinking in 2006 when her pit bull, Booger, died of cancer. (Initial reports that he died of embarrassment after someone explained his name to him have proven false.) Y'see, McKinney was a big fan of Booger because he once saved her life from a vicious dog attack. In fairness to her canine attacker, McKinney had probably tried to name him Snotty, Puke, or Sir Mucus before the assault.
"Seriously, lady. I'd prefer something like 'Champ' or 'Dodger.'"
Anyway, McKinney sent some of Booger's cells and $50,000 off to South Korean scientists, who produced the first commercially cloned offspring in 2009. You might think that's a little disturbing, but that's probably because you haven't heard McKinney explain her thought process:
"I believe that Booger was an angel that God rented out to me for a short period of time ... And he knew I would be lost without him, so he sent me some more. He sent me five more mini-Boogers."
Let's break that down. God wanted McKinney to have Booger for a short time. I'm guessing that's why he smote Booger with cancer -- because he had a plan that McKinney only deserved a temporary angel. Furthermore, God knew McKinney would be lost without an angel, which I guess is further support for the smiting. Next, God sent McKinney more Boogers. Except he didn't. Even if there is a God creating canine angels in his kingdom, these cloned dogs clearly had nothing to do with that. These weren't divine acts of creation, but expensive imported products. Lastly, "mini-Boogers" is a really gross phrase. Stop it.
But hey. To each his own. McKinney converted one cancer-ridden dead dog into five new puppies with the exact same genetic material, so I'm guessing that's like five soon-to-be-cancer-ridden dead dogs.
Watch the new HATE BY NUMBERS, where Will.i.am of the Black Eyed Peas recruits Britney Spears to make even worse music. And come see Gladstone do stand-up at the Gotham Comedy Club in New York City at 9:30 p.m. on Wednesday, February 20, 2013.