Whether any of us feel like it or not, we're electing the next president of the United States soon. Less than a year from now, actually. So while you're busy crying about Christmas ads starting too early, come this time next year, all that jingle bells shit will be a welcome respite from the endless stream of attack ads and various other forms of campaign propaganda we're going to be inundated with for the next 12 months.
We certainly don't want to contribute too much to the election fatigue you're surely experiencing, but at the same time, it's our civic duty to at least keep you abreast of what's happening -- if for no other reason than to keep you from having to spend your online energy visiting a legitimate news source like some kind of square.
To make covering the presidential hiring process interesting for us, we rounded up a few Cracked-related personalities and conscripted them into an election fantasy league, thus injecting a much-needed dose of competitiveness around these parts. You can read thoughts from the winners and losers at the end of this article. But first, here are a few of the stories that went into deciding which of us will hate each other for the next few weeks (around the office or otherwise).
#5. Ben Carson's Own Advisers Admit He's Dumb
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Ben Carson had a terrible week, and if the events of this election so far are any indication, it probably won't matter much. He's just barely trailing Donald Trump, which is a nightmare all its own that we'll get to later. But really, we owe him a debt of gratitude. In an election that seems to be so full of genuinely evil people, or at least candidates who think that they have to act evil to win votes, Carson is emerging as Sarah Palin 2.0. Sure, he compared Syrian refugees to rabid dogs, but stacked up against what some of his competition said, he is basically the comic relief of this election.
This is a man who is so religious that he has a verse from Proverbs etched into the wall of his home. And so dumb that he managed to have "Proverbs" spelled wrong.
Those Oscars probably aren't real, either.
But it's not just his lack of interior decorating skills we need to be worried about. After Carson embarrassed himself at the last debate by saying that China was fighting in Syria, his main foreign policy advisor, Duane R. Clarridge, went to The New York Times to say that his employer doesn't understand world affairs. Like, at all. In fact, Clarridge's exact quote was, "Nobody has been able to sit down with him and have him get one iota of intelligent information about the Middle East." I can't stress enough that the person who said that is currently working with Ben Carson, and said this on the record. At least we can rest easy knowing that our next president probably won't have to deal with any problems in the Middle East. I'm sure everything will be sorted out by then.
#4. Ted Cruz Finally Says Something Crazy Enough to Get Noticed
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Immigration was already a huge talking point in this election, but the terror attacks in Paris brought it to the forefront in a lot of ways over the past week. One of the more unfortunate such ways is that the "mainstream" (meaning not Carson or Trump) candidates suddenly feel completely comfortable sharing their more fringe-worthy thoughts with potential voters.
Ted Cruz was the first of several Republican candidates who used the attacks to assure voters that in his America, the only Syrian refugees we'd allow in would be the Christians. Muslim refugees, on the other hand, will just have to go wherever Muslims go -- which, apparently, isn't this country anymore.
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"Keep your huddled masses right the fuck away from us."
Never mind that those Muslims are fleeing the same enemy we're supposed to be fighting. Said enemy could just disguise themselves as good guys, you know? Take off their ISIS hoodies before they get to customs or whatever. They have ways. Just like, according to Jeb Bush, there are "ways" to prove you're a Christian.
When President Obama addressed the comments at an appearance overseas, Cruz went into full-on "Say it to my face!" mode, because a real man only questions another's policy decisions when he's within reasonable punching distance.
Ted Cruz's shouting match with Obama, combined with his Rick Perry moment at the most recent GOP debate ...
... would've put comic and podcast host Genevieve Mueller well atop the loser board in this week's fantasy league scoring, but an oversight in the rules last week which failed to take into account when a candidate drops out for good meant that didn't happen. Hey, speaking of which ...
#3. Loser: Farewell, Bobby Jindal
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When the scoring opportunities were decided on for this fantasy league of ours, we failed to assign points for that inevitable moment when a candidate finally accepts the hopelessness of their position in the race and decides to call it quits. That moment finally arrived for Republican Bobby Jindal, which meant a loss of 150 points for Cracked columnist Daniel Dockery -- enough to clear an easy path to last place. Here's what he had to say about it:
"Goodbye, Bobby Jindal.
"While I initially picked Mike Huckabee as the stallion that I'd ride to victory on, being saddled with you wasn't so bad. You always seemed like the hopeless longshot in your party, and I felt sympathy for you when you just couldn't manage to be as absolutely deranged as the psychopaths next to you. Sure, you managed to misunderstand a lot of the benefits that healthcare can offer, but in an era that absolutely demands that you have a shrieking opinion on the specific ways that nonwhites should be hated, you seemed like a little boy in his dad's jacket. Trump is 'The Million Dollar Man' Ted DiBiase, Carson is The Ultimate Warrior, Huckabee is The Honky Tonk Man, and you were just 'Rugged' Ronnie Garvin."
Do you see it? Yeah, you do.
"You put up a good fight, but deep down, I think I always knew that you were never going to last more than three minutes in this Royal Rumble.
"You had the support of Kevin 'God's Not Dead. Seriously, He's Not' Sorbo, and if the backing of a Hercules: The Legendary Journeys-list celebrity couldn't propel you into the political stratosphere, then I doubt that anything could. I'm certain that one day, we'll look back on your 2016 presidential campaign with a nostalgic fondness that we usually reserve for pictures of college parties that we threw up at. But for now, you managed to prove that, even though our society loves an underdog story, sometimes it's okay to hear the underdog and say 'Nah. Not this time, bro.'
"Take it easy, Bobby. See you in 2020."