The 5 Biggest Pussifications of Schools

#2. College Acceptance Ban


Like me, you were probably stoked when you got accepted to that Dominican correspondence school where you got your gunsmithing degree. I called all my friends right away, and they were both very excited by the news. My mom was a little more blase about the whole thing, but she's heavily medicated, so it's understandable.

It's natural to be excited when you're a kid and you get into college, but some schools have decided that you need to keep that shit on the d-low. That's slang I learned during my time at correspondence school. It means shut up.

Some prep schools in New York are not allowing students to wear clothes featuring college names or even post Facebook status updates of their acceptances until everyone settles on a school for the year, so no one has to feel bad. Because everyone at this school is apparently a terrifying mix of Eeyore and Debbie Downer, just waiting to shit on a friend's good news like a self-absorbed dick-faced monster of gloominess. Either that or they're all made of the finest china and a blow such as hearing that a friend got accepted to a better school will shatter them like actual college is going to shatter them when they realize the world isn't here to make them happy.

#1. Potatoes


I nearly shit when I read this story originally. Like a full-on shit born of equal parts rage and a complete lack of understanding, not based on lack of knowledge but based on an all-consuming inability for the human mind to grasp the necessary concepts involved because it's so stupid in otherworldly ways one would need a wizard and some manner of voodoo spirit guide to even hope to begin figuring it out.

There's a kid who has a potato allergy, so potatoes are banned at the school, lest he be exposed to dreaded potato gas. Potato gas is dangerous to him, you see.

Stand back! You know I'll do it! I'm fuckin' crazy!

You might at first chock this up to being precisely the same as the peanut ban, but it is not. One in a million people has a peanut allergy, you see. Jack shit no one has a potato allergy.

I feel for this kid, I do. I like potatoes. I would be straight-up pissed if I had to never have a potato. Here's where I type "but." But here's the thing -- I bet this kid would have a terrible reaction to a cartoon coyote dropping an anvil on him from a considerable height, but word has it the town has yet to ban cartoons, coyotes or anvils.

There has to be a point where your own health and safety is more your concern than it is everyone else's. I have it on good authority that if I drink 20 shots of tequila in a very short amount of time, I will vomit across your bathroom profusely and fall asleep in front of your toilet. I don't expect an embargo against Jose Cuervo to save me, however. If I have an allergy to a crop that the world produces 330 million tons of every year, I'm going to maybe carry around some Benadryl and a epi pen all the time, just in case. I am not going to expect that those 330 million tons of potatoes be kept away from me at all times. I am not a monster. Learn to deal, kids.

For more from Ian, check out The 6 Most Bizarre Global Warming Side Effects and 7 High Tech Products And Their Cheap Ass Ingredients.

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Ian Fortey

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