Well folks, it’s over. Barack Obama is the 44th President of the United States, John McCain is crying over an early bird dinner special somewhere in Phoenix, and meteorologists are predicting a 99% chance of beautiful rainbows shooting out of everyone in America’s asses at least through the end of this weekend.
I guess this means election season is officially over. It’s been a wild ride, what with all the plumbers and slander and Palin-themed hardcore pornography, and if you’re like me, you probably got caught up in it like everyone else. And while it’s all well and good to follow politics, when the mainstream media focuses its attention so narrowly on one particular story, it’s easy for other equally (if not more) important stories to fall through the cracks.
This week on Ross Wolinsky Hates The Internet, I’d like to bring you up to speed on some of the stories you might have missed thanks to election fever.
Remember Bono? You know - the world-famous frontman of the 22-Grammy-Award-winning, 140-million-album-selling rock band U2? You know - the guy who is as well known for his philanthropic work as he is for singing in one of the most successful rock bands of the 20th century? Well guess what? Pictures of him surfaced on Facebook that show him enjoying a “RENDEZVOUS” with two “SEXY TEENS!” Let’s take a look at the picture, shall we?
That’s a rendezvous face if I’ve ever seen one.
Hmm. Well, okay, I don’t think anyone would deny that those are some “sexy teens.” And judging by the picture, I’m pretty sure that Bono was psyched to be enjoying a rendezvous with them.
But does that make this a noteworthy news story? Yes it does, and I’ll tell you why: Everyone knows that being a rock star is awesome, but if Bono, debatably one of the biggest douchebags in the history of rock music, can still get chicks when he’s pushing 50, then most of us clearly don’t have a clue as to how awesome being a rock star really is.
Although to be honest, I seriously doubt he sealed the deal.
Based on the look on his face, I think if things went any further than posing for this picture his boner would have literally exploded.
If you’re a serious news junkie like I am, then you probably remember hearing about Tara Reid’s botched plastic surgeries back in 2006. Well after some new pictures surfaced of her terrifying, Silly Putty-like horror-abs last month, Reid finally addressed the media last week on the subject, saying simply, “Hey - you guys seriously still care about me? Wow. That’s BANANAS. I’m all washed up.”1
Although Reid has to live with the “battle wounds” of her botched lipo, she says she’s trying to move on, spending her time working on her first clothing line, Mantra. “I made this line about feeling good about yourself,” she said2, adding, “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go - I have an appointment with my plastic surgeon.”3
“Wah wah boo hoo I ruined my body sniff sniff.”
You might be wondering why this is an important story to catch up on. Maybe you think Tara Reid is just some washed-up starlet. Well let me tell you about somebody else who everyone thought was all washed up: His name was Seabiscuit, he was a horse, and guess what he did? Oh, I don’t know - only INSPIRED AN ENTIRE GENERATION TO DARE TO DREAM. NO BIG DEAL.
Where am I going with this, you wonder? Fair question. Let’s get to down brass tacks: Seabiscuit broke his leg, overcame the injury, and went on to win races again, inspiring all of America during the Great Depression. Tara Reid is a semi-famous starlet who turned her stomach into a horrific fleshy abomination just as America sunk into the worst economic crisis since - you guessed it - THE GREAT DEPRESSION.
Now I’m not saying that Tara Reid is going to fix her disgusting, somebody-help-me-I’m-melting abs, stage a successful Hollywood comeback, and become the same marginally-talented, unremarkably semi-attractive starlet she once was. I’m not saying she’ll ever match the glory of her breakout supporting role in that one movie about the kid who fucked a pie. But in these tough times we have ahead of us, we’re going to need an injured racehorse of our own to overcome adversity and inspire all of us in the process. And while I’m not saying that Tara Reid is definitely going to be that injured racehorse, I’m not ruling it out, either.
This is by far the dumbest photoshopped image I have ever created - and this is coming from a guy who once made a picture of the General Lee fucking the Batmobile.
Here’s looking at you, Reidbiscuit.
1 Note: Tara Reid did not actually say this.
2 Note: Tara Reid actually DID say this.
3 Note: Tara Reid did not actually say this.
Let me get this straight - you didn’t know that Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale took their baby Zuma to get his first library card? WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
I, on the other hand, knew about this story as soon as it broke thanks to the power of Google Alerts:
By the time Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale (yes, that is seriously his full name) was ready to check out his first book, I had already received pictures of it in my inbox. I don’t know if two-month-old babies can read, or what kind of books they like if they can, but I DO know that Zuma Rossdale’s parents are famous. As such, I DEMAND up-to-the-minute reports of what he’s doing at all times. Zuma got a library card? I want to know about it immediately. Zuma went to a birthday party? I want to know about it immediately. Zuma went to a Halloween party where Gwen dressed up like an egg (and Gavin didn’t dress up at all)? You better believe I want to know about that… IMMEDIATELY.
It’s hard to keep up when your inbox is constantly awash in a deluge of “nipple slip” alerts (not to mention the “Gladstone is a douchebag” ones), but I do what I can. It’s my duty as an informed citizen of this great nation to keep up with current events.
Due to the rising cost of yadda-yadda-yadda, increasing reliance on blah-blah-blah in the third world, and catastrophic yackety-yack due to climate something-or-other, millions of people around the world can no longer afford the basic sustenance that most of us take for granted.
Wait a minute… are there any celebrities involved in this story? No? Not even Bono? Wow… ok. Yawn.
Bono: too busy with sexy teen rendezvouses to save the world right now.
Moving along.
Celebrity gossip gets a bad rap sometimes. Sure, the paparazzi routinely ruin celebrities’ lives, and yes, peoples’ hunger for trashy tabloids makes everyone less informed about important world events of actual consequence, but when the mainstream media is busy covering a Presidential election or an economic crisis or a war in Iraq (if, hypothetically, the war in Iraq was getting any coverage), when the mainstream media has its hands full and can’t be bothered, then tell me this: WHO’S KEEPING AN EYE ON K-FED?
Can you imagine if the paparazzi had been out chasing after Obama last week? If they’d followed the herd like the rest of the MSM, we might have never known that this happened:
I AM TOO SHOCKED BY THIS TO EVEN WRITE A CAPTION.
Good God - HE’S PICKING HIS KIDS UP FROM SCHOOL.
While the world is stumbling around in a weepy-eyed Obama-rama daze, important stories like this one are being completely swept under the rug, which just goes to show that you can’t trust the networks anymore. If you’re not content letting the mainstream media spoon-feed you whatever they happen to deem “newsworthy,” then you’re probably going to have to do some homework.
That is, if you want to know what’s really going on. Hopefully you do.
Last 5 posts by Ross Wolinsky
- 8 Things Modern Vampires Could Learn From ’The Lost Boys’ - December 3rd, 2008
- The 5 Lamest Forwarded Emails (And Why Your Mom Loves Them) - November 19th, 2008
- "I Have Brain Cancer": 6 Amazing Non-Sex Scenes from Porn - October 21st, 2008
- 15 (Worthless) Things We Learned from the Town Hall Debate - October 8th, 2008
- Porn, Pizza and Awesome Roller Coasters: Vote Wolinsky In '08 - September 24th, 2008
November 16th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
i remember reading about a botched election somewhere…..
Bono looks like one of them snapped his legs, lol. or something.
November 12th, 2008 at 12:09 am
The girl who plays Joan Halloway was in an episode of Firefly. She tells the greatest bible story of all time, as a way to get someone to sleep with her. Love it.
November 11th, 2008 at 9:05 pm
Oh Horror of Horrors!!Tara Reid Had Plastic Surgery??
Gwen Stefani’s Kid(Who Can Barely Drool On’Pat The Bunny’Yet!!)Got A Library Card!!
KFed Picked Up His Kids From School!!
Wait!!How Could We Leave Out That Katy Perry Kissed a Girl and She Liked It???
How Can we Sleep Nights!!
November 10th, 2008 at 6:54 pm
There was an election? Huh?
November 10th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
[...] 5 Biggest Stories You Missed During Election Season. [Cracked] [...]
November 10th, 2008 at 6:41 am
God dammit. It looks stupid. AND Swayzedog is still in it…
November 10th, 2008 at 6:38 am
kalivostynxurcz@ I was quite certain that his point was that chicks in bikinis are pretty great, but nothing to fuss over. You however, have shown me the light with your skillful perception of his hidden agenda. I don’t know how you did it, but you’ve made it clear to me that what he really meant was that he is in fact Bono himself, and the he does indeed get a lot of chicks. Furthermore, your devastating verbal assaults were truly a wonder to behold, as well as your keen observance that the internet has no effect on my penis, whatsoever. I’m ashamed to have been so blind. Thank you, kalivostynxurcz. Thank you so much.
November 10th, 2008 at 6:36 am
Point Break sequel? Really??
Going to google now… bye…
November 10th, 2008 at 5:39 am
This lucklostie faggot is such a childish piece of ass. What the fuck was the point of ur comment?!? To tell everyone that you are seen with chicks? that you ahve a good life?!? u Stupid 13yr old jacking of teenager go fuck urself and dont sully comment boards with ur infantile drool. This bullshitting wont make ur dick any bigger
November 10th, 2008 at 1:03 am
So Bono took a picture with two chicks in bikinis… Hmm… Okay, I’m not seeing the scandal here. Is his dick out or something? I mean if everyone is clothed, that’s not a rendezvous to end a marriage over.
Otherwise I would be facing a breakup myself.
November 9th, 2008 at 6:41 am
Bono you are a douchebag.
November 9th, 2008 at 2:30 am
Stupid pedophile hypocrite.
Hate him.
November 8th, 2008 at 5:06 pm
Holy crap, what kind of monster picks his kids up at school!? O.o Such a horrible parent.
November 8th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
potatoe chip shaped like something recognizable
November 8th, 2008 at 9:59 am
Gladstone is a douchebag.
November 8th, 2008 at 1:54 am
I’d hit that Tara Reid. Slap her face with my large dong and boink the crap out of her. LULZERS. I’m CHARGIN MY BONERZ! SHUP DA WHUP!
November 8th, 2008 at 1:44 am
Poor Bono.
November 7th, 2008 at 10:12 pm
Hey if Bono supports biofuels then a celeb would sort of relate to story 2.
November 7th, 2008 at 10:09 pm
@Fussweg : you made me shit myself laughing. I thnk it caught me off guard…
November 7th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
[...] Personally, I couldn’t care less about Tara Reid or her lipo-scarred abs, but the picture alone is worth reading Cracked’s list of the 5 biggest news stories you missed during the election. [...]
November 7th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
I’ll never understand all the backlash against Bono.
November 7th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
Awesome atricle!
Why do they even print news not involving celebirties?!?!
Yes, we care about third-world countries… idiots.
November 7th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
The General Lee and the Batmobile fucking……is this some kind of transformer-ish erotic fan fiction?
November 7th, 2008 at 9:14 am
My boyfriends penis exploded when he saw the state of Tara’s melting stomach. His expression was like K Fed’s face. And Tara’s horse bum. Do you think they have books in the library about penis combustion? I need to renew my card anyway, so i thought i might get a book out on that subject matter. What do you think, Biology section or General Fiction? Romance? Should i just ask the librarian?
November 7th, 2008 at 8:50 am
#4 made me laugh alot. Tara is the new Seabiscuit.
Amazing article
November 7th, 2008 at 8:02 am
What about the day I saw a really fat badger?? Thats some news worthy shizzle!!
November 7th, 2008 at 7:40 am
You don’t have the mcrib in america? the motherland of fast food…
November 7th, 2008 at 5:12 am
As a grammar nazi, I become very angry and confused when I see the word “rendezvouses.”
November 7th, 2008 at 4:21 am
Dinsdale?
November 7th, 2008 at 1:27 am
Uh…Michael Crichton’s death?
November 7th, 2008 at 12:50 am
Who missed their turn yesterday…was it Swaim, or Ross, because I can’t handle two articles in one day.
November 7th, 2008 at 12:30 am
Those girls with Bono are TEENS?
Maybe when I was in high school, muchacho.
November 6th, 2008 at 11:29 pm
LOL, no way dude that is totally insane! Well done!
Jiff
http://www.anonymity.cz.tc
November 6th, 2008 at 11:20 pm
I have to confess that I am part of the 90% who would do a horse Tara Reid. If she still had her tits, that is. I’m not a freak.
November 6th, 2008 at 10:50 pm
Jesus Christ, Ross. The caption to the Reidbiscuit photo alone had me in tears. Man, you made my day. No! Make that, my week! Thanks for the awesome laugh, my man.
Keep it up. I mean, keep up the good work. That first sentence just sounds wrong.
November 6th, 2008 at 10:05 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GnX6nTfHfvY
November 6th, 2008 at 8:16 pm
Joan Holloway!
But she’s a rooter pubes!
Remember your jungle lore…Don’t eat the red fruit!
PS You don’t need to get Gladstone is a douchebag google alerts, just look at HBN when he gets around to recycling someone elses’ material… poorly…
November 6th, 2008 at 8:02 pm
Best boobs clips ever! Naked News! Russell Brand dissing old men about their slutty granddaughters! Who’s Nailin Paylin clips! ALL FREE!
http://www.tokillfor.com/view_video.php?viewkey=bfa4055a7d13cd430dde&page=3&viewtype=&category=mr
November 6th, 2008 at 7:33 pm
Yeah, like 99% of the people here wouldn’t trade their abs (if they could find them) for Tara’s, melty or no. And at least 99% of the guys here would do horse-Tara too.
November 6th, 2008 at 6:30 pm
Hey, why does Taco Bell call tator tots, Mexi Fries? That’s the most stupid shit I have ever heard. They’re fucking tator tots– cheese covered tators.
November 6th, 2008 at 5:50 pm
Is the McRib really back?!
November 6th, 2008 at 4:42 pm
hey J-Pappi, do you think if you get really drunk though there’s a chance you might catch sight of the abs and think you’re fucking Iggy Pop?
Of course, not that that’s happened before.
November 6th, 2008 at 4:37 pm
I kind of think Bono’s hot. Then again, I also find Joe Biden attractive (shit! no politics!). And why is no one talking about what an attrocity Tara Reid’s ass is? It’s all “stomach abs dripping flesh stomach stomach.” Nothing about her butt. Listen here Wolinsky - I expect you to be a lot more thorough(bred tee hee) with your investigative reporting next time. Ass.
November 6th, 2008 at 4:28 pm
First story: reason #53053 of why I hate Bono
Second story: Tara, if it’s any consoltation, I’ll still do you
Third story: Zuma, might I suggest Everyone Poops, or One Fish Two Fish, Red Fish Blue Fish
Fourth story: Who gives a fuck is millions are starving, I want to know what celebrities are doing
Fifth story: WHAT THE FUCK K-FED! PICKING YOUR KID UP FROM SCHOOL! WHAT KIND OF FATHER ARE YOU?
November 6th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
SPD FRK…That doesn’t count. You make no sense…please try again when you’re sober. K THNX.
November 6th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
What the fuck is it with perfectly attractive women damn near killing themselves to look like 12 year olds? Tara’s now doomed herself to a life of doggy-style only, ’cause nobody’s gonna look at that shit from the front and want to hit it (except maybe me after a 12 pack). At least Lindsey Lohan did it the natural way: coke, laxatives and self-induced vomiting.
November 6th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
thank goodness ross was here to tell us K-Fed picked his kids up from school, he covers the hard-hitting news that matters to us, the people
November 6th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
I had heard that someone where was said to him about the thing of the stuff
tongue-in-cheek.com
Also, fat chicks
November 6th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
@ testing: Its tongue-in-cheek…Now we just have to sit back and wait for all the sexual comments based around my use of the phrase “tongue -in-cheek”.
November 6th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
ps Zuma is a girl
November 6th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
I don’t get #1
has’t he had full custody for like a year?
November 6th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
I can not forgive your jock-jawed, rat-soup-eatin’ oversight,
in forgetting to mention the tragic death of Dolemite!
Motherfucker!
November 6th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
I’m glad that the US elections filled the headlines or else we’d be dealing with this celebrity “news” bullshit.
That Bono face is hilarious BTW
November 6th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
Dear Ross,
I love you.
November 6th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
That may be the worst chop you ever made but approximately 500 furries are furiously masturbating to it AS I TYPE THIS.
November 6th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
MBS, I think that’s Shrek you see in Bono’s glasses/cyber-eyes.
November 6th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
I’m surprised no one’s mentioned Bono’s botched plastic surgery, which he had some time in the ’90s to make his eyes 15% more soulful. Apparently it was so badly blown, they had to remove both corneas and lenses. Now he uses a pair of super-high-tech (for the ’90s) scanning devices hooked directly to his retinae. Which coincidentally happen to look like a pair of super-high-tech (again, for the ’90s) sunglasses.
Which he never takes off.
November 6th, 2008 at 11:55 am
Bono’s just posing for a family photo with his uh, nieces. Yeah that’s it…
November 6th, 2008 at 11:24 am
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT IN BONO’S SUNGLASSES?!?!
It looks like some kind of Robot head on a human body. Seriously look at the reflection and tell me thats not a robot headed cyborg with a dissaproving look on its face.
November 6th, 2008 at 11:22 am
bono’s a Dick. I don’t want to give his name a capital b because it’s not even a name. I will give him a capital d for Dick though.
November 6th, 2008 at 10:46 am
mmmm….actress who plays Joan Holloway *Homer Simpson-like gargle*.
November 6th, 2008 at 10:24 am
hilarious. made my thursday. i can retire for the rest of the day and not have to worry about laughing or thinking.
November 6th, 2008 at 10:16 am
Did the McRib really return. Please don’t mess with me on this one
November 6th, 2008 at 10:08 am
I love how this article is at the top of that last link (at least when I clicked it not long before making this post).
November 6th, 2008 at 9:58 am
OMFG, the Google Alerts picture was priceless. Well done, Ross! I’m surprised that you didn’t have “Gladstone is a douchebag” as higher on your list.
November 6th, 2008 at 9:48 am
I find it slightly disturbing how amusing the word “rendevouses” is to me.
Rendevouses.
Rendevooooooooooooouuuuuuses.
Rrrrrrrrrrendev…ouses!!
Well, shit. Now the word has lost all meaning. Still funny though.
November 6th, 2008 at 9:47 am
The Tumbler: The result of a trist between the General Lee and the Batmobile. Man, they make them some nice babies.
November 6th, 2008 at 9:47 am
Damn, Bono! I wanna be a rock star!
November 6th, 2008 at 9:38 am
Damn, Tara Reid looks HOT!
As a horse.
And why didn’t Gwen Stefani name her baby iPod? Damn Microsoft monopoly.
November 6th, 2008 at 9:36 am
stealing, Ross? From a guy who identifies itself as douchebag1, no less? I AM in deep awe, Mister Wolinsky. I would have expected that from Bucholz. Hell, even from Gladstone (that’s why he’s still around, right?).
But you. That’s… that’s a lot to take in. Sorry, I need to take it
November 6th, 2008 at 9:28 am
Bono! You devil! How could you rendezvous with teens while the world needs saving?! Are you gonna leave it all up to poor Reidbiscuit and Zuma’s possibly magical library card? How dare you.
November 6th, 2008 at 9:26 am
I make my own nipple slips.
November 6th, 2008 at 9:22 am
meh
November 6th, 2008 at 9:04 am
I’m at work you bastard!