The 5 Biggest News Stories You Missed During Election Season

Well folks, it's over. Barack Obama is the 44th President of the United States, John McCain is crying over an early bird dinner special somewhere in Phoenix, and meteorologists are predicting a 99% chance of beautiful rainbows shooting out of everyone in America's asses at least through the end of this weekend.

I guess this means election season is officially over. It's been a wild ride, what with all the plumbers and slander and Palin-themed hardcore pornography, and if you're like me, you probably got caught up in it like everyone else. And while it's all well and good to follow politics, when the mainstream media focuses its attention so narrowly on one particular story, it's easy for other equally (if not more) important stories to fall through the cracks.

This week on Ross Wolinsky Hates The Internet, I'd like to bring you up to speed on some of the stories you might have missed thanks to election fever.

Remember Bono? You know - the world-famous frontman of the 22-Grammy-Award-winning, 140-million-album-selling rock band U2? You know - the guy who is as well known for his philanthropic work as he is for singing in one of the most successful rock bands of the 20th century? Well guess what? Pictures of him surfaced on Facebook that show him enjoying a "RENDEZVOUS" with two "SEXY TEENS!" Let's take a look at the picture, shall we?

That's a rendezvous face if I've ever seen one.

Hmm. Well, okay, I don't think anyone would deny that those are some "sexy teens." And judging by the picture, I'm pretty sure that Bono was psyched to be enjoying a rendezvous with them.

But does that make this a noteworthy news story? Yes it does, and I'll tell you why: Everyone knows that being a rock star is awesome, but if Bono, debatably one of the biggest douchebags in the history of rock music, can still get chicks when he's pushing 50, then most of us clearly don't have a clue as to how awesome being a rock star really is.

Although to be honest, I seriously doubt he sealed the deal.

Based on the look on his face, I think if things went any further than posing for this picture his boner would have literally exploded.

If you're a serious news junkie like I am, then you probably remember hearing about Tara Reid's botched plastic surgeries back in 2006. Well after some new pictures surfaced of her terrifying, Silly Putty-like horror-abs last month, Reid finally addressed the media last week on the subject, saying simply, "Hey - you guys seriously still care about me? Wow. That's BANANAS. I'm all washed up."¹

Although Reid has to live with the "battle wounds" of her botched lipo, she says she's trying to move on, spending her time working on her first clothing line, Mantra. "I made this line about feeling good about yourself," she said², adding, "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go - I have an appointment with my plastic surgeon."³

"Wah wah boo hoo I ruined my body sniff sniff."

You might be wondering why this is an important story to catch up on. Maybe you think Tara Reid is just some washed-up starlet. Well let me tell you about somebody else who everyone thought was all washed up: His name was Seabiscuit, he was a horse, and guess what he did? Oh, I don't know - only INSPIRED AN ENTIRE GENERATION TO DARE TO DREAM. NO BIG DEAL.

Where am I going with this, you wonder? Fair question. Let's get to down brass tacks: Seabiscuit broke his leg, overcame the injury, and went on to win races again, inspiring all of America during the Great Depression. Tara Reid is a semi-famous starlet who turned her stomach into a horrific fleshy abomination just as America sunk into the worst economic crisis since - you guessed it - THE GREAT DEPRESSION.

Now I'm not saying that Tara Reid is going to fix her disgusting, somebody-help-me-I'm-melting abs, stage a successful Hollywood comeback, and become the same marginally-talented, unremarkably semi-attractive starlet she once was. I'm not saying she'll ever match the glory of her breakout supporting role in that one movie about the kid who fucked a pie. But in these tough times we have ahead of us, we're going to need an injured racehorse of our own to overcome adversity and inspire all of us in the process. And while I'm not saying that Tara Reid is definitely going to be that injured racehorse, I'm not ruling it out, either.

This is by far the dumbest photoshopped image I have ever created - and this is coming from a guy who once made a picture of the General Lee fucking the Batmobile.

Here's looking at you, Reidbiscuit.

¹ Note: Tara Reid did not actually say this.² Note: Tara Reid actually DID say this.³ Note: Tara Reid did not actually say this.

Let me get this straight - you didn't know that Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale took their baby Zuma to get his first library card? WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

I, on the other hand, knew about this story as soon as it broke thanks to the power of Google Alerts:

By the time Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale (yes, that is seriously his full name) was ready to check out his first book, I had already received pictures of it in my inbox. I don't know if two-month-old babies can read, or what kind of books they like if they can, but I DO know that Zuma Rossdale's parents are famous. As such, I DEMAND up-to-the-minute reports of what he's doing at all times. Zuma got a library card? I want to know about it immediately. Zuma went to a birthday party? I want to know about it immediately. Zuma went to a Halloween party where Gwen dressed up like an egg (and Gavin didn't dress up at all)? You better believe I want to know about that... IMMEDIATELY.

It's hard to keep up when your inbox is constantly awash in a deluge of "nipple slip" alerts (not to mention the "Gladstone is a douchebag" ones), but I do what I can. It's my duty as an informed citizen of this great nation to keep up with current events.

Due to the rising cost of yadda-yadda-yadda, increasing reliance on blah-blah-blah in the third world, and catastrophic yackety-yack due to climate something-or-other, millions of people around the world can no longer afford the basic sustenance that most of us take for granted.

Wait a minute... are there any celebrities involved in this story? No? Not even Bono? Wow... ok. Yawn.

Bono: too busy with sexy teen rendezvouses to save the world right now.

Moving along.

Celebrity gossip gets a bad rap sometimes. Sure, the paparazzi routinely ruin celebrities' lives, and yes, peoples' hunger for trashy tabloids makes everyone less informed about important world events of actual consequence, but when the mainstream media is busy covering a Presidential election or an economic crisis or a war in Iraq (if, hypothetically, the war in Iraq was getting any coverage), when the mainstream media has its hands full and can't be bothered, then tell me this: WHO'S KEEPING AN EYE ON K-FED?

Can you imagine if the paparazzi had been out chasing after Obama last week? If they'd followed the herd like the rest of the MSM, we might have never known that this happened:

I AM TOO SHOCKED BY THIS TO EVEN WRITE A CAPTION.

Good God - HE'S PICKING HIS KIDS UP FROM SCHOOL.

While the world is stumbling around in a weepy-eyed Obama-rama daze, important stories like this one are being completely swept under the rug, which just goes to show that you can't trust the networks anymore. If you're not content letting the mainstream media spoon-feed you whatever they happen to deem "newsworthy," then you're probably going to have to do some homework.

That is, if you want to know what's really going on. Hopefully you do.