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The 5 Biggest Lies Everyone Tells About the Super Bowl

We're just a few short but somehow still agonizingly long days away from one of the greatest events in all of sport. I'm speaking, of course, about Super Bowl Sunday.

It's a bittersweet day, really. On the one hand, the Super Bowl is on, which means all sorts of life laws are temporarily off the books. So that's fun. On the other, with the exception of March Madness (and my beloved Winter Olympics this year), it's going to be a long drive until we come across any sporting events that matter between the conclusion of the game and the kickoff of the 2014-2015 season. Yes, I do realize baseball is on during this time, and of course I don't think of soccer as a sport, but thanks for asking on both counts.

Anyway, like any major event that's been happening for an extended amount of time, there's no shortage of myth and lore surrounding the Super Bowl. You can hear me talk about some of the shadier myths on this week's Unpopular Opinion podcast ...

... where I'm joined by my comic friends Jeff May and Laurie Kilmartin.

Or you can just read me talking about them right here. It's going to be a blast either way. You might even consider doing both!

Here are the five biggest lies everyone tells about the Super Bowl.

#5. There Are Only 11 to 13 Minutes of Actual Game Play

Thinkstock/Stockbyte/Getty Images

This statistic, more than any other, is held over the heads of fans as proof positive that the sport of American (a synonym for quality in retail circles) football is one of boredom and inactivity. Even worse for those who might argue otherwise, that "fact" didn't come from some random anti-sports blog or whatever. No, it came from the Wall Street Journal, and since when do they deal in reporting faulty numbers?

The problem with their argument is that, for the "11 to 13 minutes" number to ring true, a person would have to completely and totally fail to understand not only how football works, but just how sports work in general. For starters, they're talking about the time between when the ball is snapped and when the play is whistled dead. In other words, only when the ball is in the air or moving can we consider that actual sports action is taking place. After all, the ball isn't whipping around in the air, so what could possibly be happening? Here's a good basketball example of why that's a stupid notion:

Larry Bird does a whole lot of things before that inbound pass is thrown that set him up to be in a position to steal it. That, in turn, wins the Celtics that game. By the "only when the ball is moving" standard, none of that counts as "game play." Not only is it absurd to suggest that the moments immediately prior to the ball being snapped are just meaningless stand-around time, you could argue that what happens before the ball is snapped is actually more important in football than the play itself. There has not been a play drawn up yet that cannot be successfully defended, provided you get everyone in the right position doing the right thing at the right time. If you're in the wrong position to defend the play called, though, you have problems. Speaking of defense, here's Pittsburgh Steelers safety Troy Polamalu enjoying some leisurely pre-snap stand-around time:

The play clock in the NFL is 25 seconds and, for all sorts of reasons, the ball is usually snapped with just a few seconds remaining. All of the predicting and planning and positioning that must happen on each play happens in those 20 seconds or so, all while the opposing quarterback does everything within the rules to make that defense lose focus or guess wrong. Here, look at this baffling montage:

That's Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning repeatedly yelling the word "Omaha!" from the line of scrimmage during the Broncos' recent playoff win over the San Diego Chargers. On five separate occasions during that game, the Chargers defense jumped across the line before the ball was snapped. That's a 5-yard penalty each time. Deadspin has video of all five penalties, along with a fascinating explanation for what's happening. Basically, most of the time when Peyton Manning would yell "Omaha" the ball would be snapped on the next word. Every once in a while, though, they wouldn't snap the ball immediately after, and it caused the defense to jump five separate times in one game. They'd done it three times total in the 17 games prior.

And that's a bunch of meaningless bullshit to the Wall Street Journal. Meaningless bullshit that, in their reporting on the "11 minutes of play" story, accounted for another 67 minutes of broadcast time.

online.WSJ.com
No one could ever look at Brett Favre that long for no reason.

Keep that in mind the next time you make them your go-to source for sports facts.

#4. Cold Weather Equals Lower Ticket Prices

Wikipedia

Oh, hey, look at that, football purists: You finally got your stupid outdoor Super Bowl! You must be so relieved. Here's hoping they bring back those leather helmets at some point, too.

The general thinking behind holding the Super Bowl indoors or at least in traditionally warm weather areas is that, by taking the elements out of the equation, neither team gains any real advantage. In a cold weather environment, for example, a team that plays in the Midwest is going to have an advantage over a West Coast team in that they're more accustomed to playing in inclement weather.

Also, I imagine part of it has to do with the fact that losing the Super Bowl is probably one of the most crushing defeats in all of sports. If you find yourself on the business end of that, at least you can take comfort in knowing you got to spend a few weeks being media darlings in Miami or something. The loser this year will have to take comfort in knowing that, hey, at least they got a trip to New Jersey in the winter out of it! That barely qualifies as consolation, if at all.

Michael Bocchieri/Getty Images News/Getty Images
The architecture is nice!

There's another perceived benefit that proponents of a cold weather Super Bowl like to throw around, which is that it will lead to lower ticket prices. On the surface, it makes sense. People love football, but not nearly as much as they love staying the fuck inside when the weather turns terrible, as it often does this time of year in New York, which is where this year's game will be played. So, are those lower ticket prices happening yet?

Unfortunately, the short answer is "no." Sure, if you're reading this right now, and I mean right now as I'm writing this, which is Tuesday, January 28, then yes, ticket prices have fallen, and it might be due to weather, but there's a lot of smoke and mirrors at work that make that so.

For one, the NFL set the face value prices way higher this year. The thinking was that prices would lessen the gap between face value tickets and those that end up on the resale market at sites like StubHub by making them unaffordable for everyone, apparently.

Jupiterimages/Stockbyte/Getty Images
At least dreaming is still free.

So any perceived drop in price is coming from a much more substantial height than in previous years. The most expensive face value Super Bowl ticket this year is $2,600. It was just $1,250 last year. Even if prices are dropping from where they started, the average Super Bowl ticket this year is still $3,715, which is well above the average of the past two years. Sales are also up 33 percent.

If anything, the idea that cold weather equals lower prices (and the subsequent reporting that it has) is a myth perpetuated to excuse charging WAY more for tickets just because the game is in New York. Any drop that's happening right now will probably have righted itself by the time you read this on Friday. If ticket scalpers are panicking at the thought of not being able to sell tickets due to inclement weather, they'll just as quickly realize they had nothing to worry about and jack those prices right back up as game time approaches.

Of course, for most people, "cold weather equals cheaper Super Bowl tickets" will be the last they hear of the story. So, for the NFL and whatever people of New York actually benefit from having a Super Bowl played in a completely different state across the river, the ruse was a total success. They got people to pay way more for tickets, all while making it seem like they'd taken the most drastic measure of all to keep ticket prices low.

#3. The Super Bowl Brings Sex Trafficking to Town

Digital Vision/Digital Vision/Getty Images

I know most of you are tired of me saying this, but let's change gears and talk about prostitutes for a second. Fathers, if the Super Bowl is coming to town, lock your at-risk teen in the attic for a week, because the sexual predators of the world will be descending on your city hoping to sign your princess up for a career in the world's oldest profession.

Except no, they aren't. Not this year, and not any year. The hysteria-inducing idea that thousands of women and girls are kidnapped and forced into prostitution to meet a nearly insatiable need for available hookers at major sporting events has been repeatedly debunked by groups who do nothing but research the effects and ramifications of human sex trafficking.

From most indications, it seems that the idea of major sporting events leading to a massive influx of hookers and pimps dates back to a report about the 2004 Athens Olympics that claimed sex trafficking "doubled" in that country when the Olympics came to town.

Oli Scarff/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Could people think of nothing else to do in a beautiful locale like this?

Among the various problems with the claim is that "doubled" in this case means a jump from around 90 to something more in the neighborhood of 180, all at a time when brothels were actually legal in Greece. Prohibitionists were fighting to change that and, more importantly, label any sex-industry activity as "sex trafficking." A lot of the citations and arrests made in the run up to the Athens Olympics were just violations of zoning laws intended to keep the robust and legal sex trade out of the line of sight of tourists who might frown upon such a thing, legal or not.

In plain speak, sex trafficking crimes doubled, but it was because of a technicality, not because the Olympics were in town. A similar trick was used to come up with another famous statistic that claims there were 133 sex trafficking-related arrests at the 2011 Super Bowl in Dallas.

Nicole Cordeiro, Wikipedia
Don't sex with Texas.

In that case, every "vice"-related arrest in the two-week period before and after the game was considered sex trafficking. So if you were arrested for drugs, it was counted as a sex trafficking stat for scare tactic purposes.

Nevertheless, this is a rumor that refuses to die. One ridiculous claim set the number of women forced into the sex trade during the 2010 Super Bowl in Miami at more than 10,000. That's the kind of number that gets thrown around regularly whenever this urban legend pops up. Those numbers would basically make every Super Bowl the 9/11 of sex trafficking. That just does not happen. There's no other way to put it.

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