Cracked Columnists

4 Anti-Drug Songs That Are Baffling (Even For the '80s)

#2. "Inhalants"

"Inhalants" is ostensibly a dance track. We should all write to our congressmen so federal law mandates that famous DJs like Giotto di Uhnz-Uhnz and DJ Glowstick Fuckface who headline EDM festivals like Electron Dicktwiddle Bacchanalia or Sapphire Enema Gala must immediately play "Inhalants" in full when the bass drops. After all, MDMA's been popular but a few decades, and your great-grandpappy was huffing saddle varnish and moose oil.


There's something wonderfully Kanye about rhyming "inhalants" with "inhalants" a dozen times over three minutes.

#1. "Make Your Body Last"

This is it. This is the song that sounds like having sex with McGruff the Crime Dog, which is probably like doing a geriatric werewolf who smells like Chesterfields and whose dirty talk consists of DEA stats about PCP arrests in Idaho. Seriously, if you got rid of the children's choir and swapped out McGruff with a female vocalist named "Tina P" or "Weena Z" and left the rest as is, this could pass for something Prince produced ... on a weekend .... while doing a crossword puzzle ... with a peacock feather.


McGruff never abstains from hot sax.

BONUS TRACK: "Dope Pusher" by Bill Cosby

As a palate cleanser, let's contrast the production failings of the Smart Kids Album with 1971's Bill Cosby Talks to Kids About Drugs, which was 32 harrowing minutes of Cliff Huxtable shouting about heroin over free jazz. The album makes drugs sound fucking terrifying -- so mission accomplished there -- but it also makes Bill Cosby sound like the Angel of Death. That's not a complaint, mind you.

This suggestion comes to us from Cracked's very own Anita Serwacki, who notes that the following track, "Dope Pusher," is "one of the best songs in the world." She's right!


This is more disturbing than that time a bunch of inmates threatened to molest Fat Albert.


Cyriaque Lamar is a senior editor here at Cracked. His last article was a short story about a lewd automobile decal. He is on Twitter.

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