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The 4 Types of People on Welfare Nobody Talks About

#2. People Who Have Been Trained to See It as Normal

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Every single person I can remember on my mom's side of the family was on welfare in one form or another. All of them. The woman who would be my off-and-on stepmother for most of my childhood came from a family that was the same way. My dad was on welfare, sporadically, through most of my childhood and teenage years. When you grow up in that environment, it becomes the ruler by which you measure everything in life. Middle class people are rich to you -- a status that's virtually unattainable. They got lucky. Probably had everything in life handed to them. Actual rich people are fairy tales, so setting their lifestyle as your goal is beyond laughable. It's like telling someone your career plan is to win the lottery or to master telepathy. Maybe become a butt-farter. Nope, I'm not stopping that.

Welfare life is normal because not only did you grow up with it, but every friend and relative did as well. You filled your fridge on the first of the month, when your Link card reset. When they needed to use a phone, the whole neighborhood knew one person who was rich enough to have one, and they all constantly filtered in and out of her house like giant ants. You had cable for a month, and then not again for another five. You borrowed money from relatives on a weekly basis, knowing it was never going to be paid back, the word "borrowed" used only as a polite formality.

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"Thanks. I'll have this back to you next Mond- EAT FIST, FUCKO!"

As a kid, you didn't know you were fucked because this was life. As a teenager, you realized, "Yeah, this is bullshit. This isn't normal," but you still accepted it, because now "life" was just another term for "fucked." "Yeah, we're all fucked. What else is new? Isn't everybody?" Then you put on your black trench coat and rollerbladed away because it was the early '90s.

That's not just an angst-ridden teen spouting dumb, eye-rolling bullshit. It's honestly the mindset you grow up with because it's what you've directly observed. Normal people don't buy new cars. They buy the hand-me-down, 200,000-mile piece of shit from their uncle for a couple hundred bucks. Normal people don't buy houses. They rent the cheapest shithole they can find because a house is just a place to keep the rain off of you. And normal people don't get cushy jobs that they enjoy. They work ball-crushing, exhausting labor for shitty pay and no benefits because that's just what people do. Any goals higher than that, and you're treated like an entitled little butt-fart who's "too good" for the people he grew up with. He "forgot where he came from."

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"Keep smiling, sellout. We know where you came from."

And strung through all of these things that he "knows" is that the entire lifestyle is supplemented by government assistance. You make what money you can, and welfare takes care of any holes in your budget. You take it for granted, the way everyone else takes roads and bridges for granted -- it's just a part of your life. And if that doesn't sound crazy enough, here's something to really tip the scales: Finally getting off of welfare is considered a loss.

No, really. If you've had a source of income, no matter how small, for your entire life, and suddenly someone took that income away, it's a financial disaster. So when you start to earn more money through your actual job, there's this weird tipping point where you make just enough to stay on assistance, but not enough to be free from it ... so you're earning your normal pay plus welfare. At that moment, you're pulling ahead of the whole poverty trap. BUT ... once you cross that line, even by one dollar, that public aid is stripped and you take a huge step backward. Yep, you've escaped, but you're now taking a net loss compared to where you were a month ago, and it sends the message "Working is bad."

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So you shit in five of the boxes on your end of the assembly line.

This gets treated like a horrible moral failing ("You're a lazy, greedy parasite!"), but those insults come from people who don't grasp how much government assistance they soak up every year. Here's a hint: Every single one of us is getting government subsidies for electricity and food -- you just don't see it because it's the producers who get the check, not you. Yeah, we're all on welfare, buddy.

But the group of welfare recipients virtually everyone forgets about happens to be the most important in my eyes ...

#1. People Who Have No Say in the Matter

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Kids.

You could include the severely handicapped and the elderly in here, too, if you like -- there's plenty of room for their thonged asses in this hot tub of a subject, baby. But on the whole, I don't think any group is as overlooked as children. And now I'm positive that this whole paragraph just put me on a government watch list.

I don't blame anyone for forgetting about them because when we have the welfare debate, it's almost entirely based on how we perceive its fully adult, able-bodied members. In those exchanges, kids are only brought up as ammunition. "They keep having babies, and I'm the one who ends up having to pay for them!" I've even heard people saying that poor people reproduce so they can get more government money. Just an honest, no bullshit note here: If you're one of the people who think this, you're far too fucking stupid for this conversation. Door's to the left. You can take a lemon bar on your way out.

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It's a show of good faith. Now go fuck yourself.

When I was finally old enough and found out what public aid actually was, I was mortified. Even though my only input in the need and decision to be a part of the program was my simple existence, I felt like the most worthless piece of shit in our whole school. I did everything I could to hide the fact that we were on it. When I had friends stay the night, I begged mom to buy groceries before they came over so they didn't see her using food stamps. I took jobs during the summer so I could restock the clothes that were starting to look old. I fucking hated being on welfare. If welfare were a face, I would have punched it right in its stupid suckhole.

And even back then, it was still a debate. Even at that age, when I heard people on the news talking about it, it didn't matter that they were discussing my parents. As far as I was concerned, they were talking about me, too. I was a burden on them. The country hated me because I couldn't afford to pay the rent or buy food. Even at my age, it was my fault. I didn't understand it, but I felt that heat. They fucking hated me.

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"Did he just mention you by name? Why is he giving you the finger? Is that his genitals?!"

It's hard to remember that as an adult because we've talked about the issue so much, we've dehumanized it. We wrapped it in an unrealistic stereotype that doesn't accurately portray the people who are actually in the program. We throw up our own reasons for their needs, depending on which talking point is most likely to secure a conversational victory for us, forgetting that these are real fucking people, and with just a few tweaks of our luck, we could easily be one of them.

That doesn't mean that the debates shouldn't happen. I'd love to live in a world where there was no need for government assistance and everyone was able to take care of themselves no matter what obstacles were thrown in their path. I think that these debates are a positive step in that direction. But I think that if we lose sight of the fact that the statistics we're quoting have names and families and dreams and fears and loves and boners, all the talking points in the world don't mean jack shit. At that point, we're just playing a game of "I've memorized more numbers than you."

Hehehe. "Butt-fart."



John is a columnist right here at Cracked with a new article every Thursday. You can also find him on Twitter and Facebook.

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