The 4 Stupidest Things People Love Getting Offended About

Being offended is a bit of a national pastime. We live in a world in which we're told that everyone is entitled to their opinion, you're cool as long as no one is getting hurt and everyone can be right no matter what. Until two people have different opinions, and then it becomes a battle of who is more right. And while we should be offended about elected officials abusing our trust, CEOs of massive corporations stealing money, the destruction of our environment for profit and a million other abuses that affect us all on a greater or lesser scale, some people seem to want to put a lot of effort into getting thoroughly pissed over the smallest, most insignificant things that really have no effect on them at all.

#4. Team Names


Offensive team names are as old as offensive people forming teams. It's all fine and good if you want to play field hockey and call your team the Surly Marmots if that moves you. But maybe the guys from the next town over want to call themselves the Flaming Fecalphiliacs, and suddenly everyone has a bug up their ass, even if they've never gone to a field hockey game before and have no plan on seeing one.

All professional sports have enjoyed some degree of team name controversy. Any team you can think of even remotely inspired by Native Americans has been deemed offensive at some point -- the Redskins, the Indians, the Braves, and so on. Kennesaw State University in Georgia used to have an owl named Hooter as a mascot until some boobs got offended by it and his name was changed to Scrappy. A high school in Utah had to change their mascot from a cougar because someone decided it's now offensive, since saucy old tarts like to call themselves cougars.

London, Ontario's Frontier League baseball team went so far as to call themselves the Rippers and are at risk of the city not renewing their contract to play in town because their mascot is a cartoon depiction of Jack the Ripper, who, you may recall, was a killer, in another country, over 100 years ago, and was never caught, so we don't even technically know what he looked like. But the cartoon version of him playing baseball is awful and worthy of protest. In fact, it garnered so much attention and so many people were offended that Rush Limbaugh actually took the time to voice support for the team. It's OK to read that part again. Rush Limbaugh had to be the voice of reason.

London Pro Baseball
Pictured: Rampant evil and overpriced hot dogs.

The London Rippers are averaging about 1,000 attendees per game in their hometown, which seems to indicate that people really are offended by the team name, if you don't include the fact that London's previous teams -- the Monarchs, the Werewolves and the Tigers -- all averaged less than 2,000 fans per game and all ended up folding thanks to low attendance. This despite the fact that no wildcats, manwolves or butterflies had ever gone on murder sprees in Victorian England.

Do mascots and/or team names ever burn villages and rape the helpless? Very rarely, according to my research, but people still have time to give a shit about them.

#3. Supporting a Cause

Recently, the good people in the magical land of Oreo created this ad:


Does that shit not look delicious? Oreos normally aren't my thing, they're fine and all, but I'm not crazy about them. But man, if you gave me rainbow-colored icing in the middle of a chocolate cookie, I would be on that shit like a drunken hobo on a Lysol-infused rag. But everyone does not share this opinion.

Oreo's ad, meant to show Kraft's support of gay rights and the pride movement (it's not even a real goddamn cookie), has been met with actual protest. Not out in the streets protest, because the people who protest cookies generally need a hand getting off the couch, but protest nonetheless.

Of course, many are supportive of Kraft and Oreo's ad and position, and at worst a large portion of people are indifferent. But make no mistake, when idiots feel they have been affronted, once they master the language skills necessary to raise a stink, they will absolutely do so.

Arguably, this is indicative of the larger debate about gay rights, which in itself is kind of stupid, but in this microcosmic way it really shows just how far some people will go to unwittingly be complete ass-brained chucklefucks. To even form the thought that you might want to protest a cookie, let alone speak the words, is something future peoples may read about and laugh at the way we mock people who used to take tapeworms to lose weight, because obviously those people had been hit on the head many, many times. And maybe they ate some lead paint chips.

Protesting Oreo proves literally nothing. In fact, less than nothing. What you're trying to prove has turned around a complete 180 and is now proving something completely different -- that you probably have to stop every 10th word or so to take a breath to avoid passing out when you speak. How does Kraft management's support of a social issue that obviously doesn't even pertain to your particular lifestyle reflect on their product? Is there gay in the cookie? Do the boxes play George Michael tunes when you open them? No? Then shut up and eat your cookies.

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Ian Fortey

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