The 4 Movie Beasts Creepier Than Michael Bay's Ninja Turtles

#2. Tank Girl

All things being equal, Tank Girl was a visual abomination and deserves to never be watched again by anyone, anywhere, at any time. You would do better to spend two hours scouring your crotch with steel wool than to watch this movie.

The basic story is also the story of Solarbabies, if you saw that, which you didn't, and revolves around an apocalyptic future in which assholes control the water but the cool people find a way to get the water. But different from The Book of Eli and Rango. In the future, there is no water. Nuts. Water is so cool, too. You ever masturbate in the shower? That's top drawer fun right there.

Anyway, Tank Girl is supposed to be some super cool post-punk queen anti-establishment quirky type, but the movie is watered down toilet spray and you don't care about her or any of the other characters because it's so poorly written. What you will notice is that Ice-T plays a half-man half-kangaroo mutant who hangs out with a group of other terrible misfit monsters of the same pedigree, except for one guy who used to be a dog in a past life. Doesn't make sense? Don't worry, it's not supposed to, this movie is stupid. If this movie was a kid at school, it'd be the one still eating paste in sixth grade.

Look, it's Ice-T!

These kangaroo men, called Rippers, were genetically engineered in that someone saw a kangaroo and thought "This complements man well" and needed to merge them. Do you know what admirable qualities a kangaroo has that could benefit a man? Bounding ability, a pouch, and the fact that they can tear open scrota with their feet during fights. That could have been where "Ripper" came from as a name. Of course, a regular man with a fork can also rip your scrotum off, so being genetically modified into a kangaroo isn't necessary -- it just means you have to look like the bastard child of Ice-T and a latex Droopy mask.

#1. Planet of the Apes (2001)

There have been eight Planet of the Apes films to date, likely a ninth on the way in a couple of years, plus a TV show back in the day, and a number of comics and other media. Only one of these need concern you -- Tim Burton's 2001 Planet of the Apes. What a shitshow.

While Charlton Heston's apes were low budget and laughable by today's standards and the current Andy Serkis crop of apes are so realistic that you can almost catch a whiff of banana and poop in the IMAX theaters, the Tim Burton apes managed to nestle themselves right in the middle of the two in a place I like to call "Eeeuuggh." That's the sound you'll make every time Helena Bonham Carter's chimp lady appears on screen in a pseudo romantic moment with Mark "I'm totally a space scientist and this is my wicked pissah monkey" Wahlberg, and it's the beginning of the sound you'll make during the very brief but ghastly scene in which Lisa Marie as a chimp engages in some kind of sexual monkey shines with Glenn Shadix as Senator Nado. It's on screen for about 30 seconds, and it's played for laughs (I hope), but your reproductive organs will still pack a suitcase and recede to the inner sanctum of your rib cage for the next hour or so after watching it.

"I'll escape wicked hahd when my Transformah buddies find out about dis!"

The new films were ingenious in the way they chose to simply have actual apes become infected with something that increased their intellect. They can look like real apes, and those of us in the audience marvel at how Caesar's hair waves just so in the breeze. Back in the 1960s, we all had a good chuckle over Dr. Zaius, his ugly-ass tunic, and the fact that he looked as much like an orangutan as Ambrose Burnside. I can only speculate that Tim Burton had recently received a blood transfusion from a Bangkok transient and was also freebasing something he found in a box branded with a skull and crossbones in the backroom of a Russian mob-owned pharmacy when he OK'd the final design for the apes in his movie, because they're just this side of nightmare inducing. They're that perfect blend of "Yeah, these are good special effects" you feel after watching for two minutes and then "Oh, no, I don't care for this" that sets in about five minutes later when your brain catches up and realizes something is horribly awry but you can't quite put your finger on what.

While all the apes in the film are disturbing, the orangutans are especially regrettable thanks to their poor dental hygiene and the overall sense that Paul Giamatti was actually encrusted in feces for the role. He just looks off. Bad and off.


Mmm, bananas and poo.

The real kicker in the film is the moment Mark Wahlberg actually kisses Helena Bonham Carter in a scene that I guess was meant to indicate that personality really goes a long way when it comes to physical affection, and that an ape who wears scarves and does her hair nicely is maybe worth a poke or at least some tongue slurping as long as you can both do long division. And by that I mean I assume Wahlberg's character can do long division, since he was stationed on what is clearly a science vessel and he is also clearly the scientist in charge of teaching apes to navigate through space, despite how he plays it off like he won the job off the back of a box of Spacey-Os.


Just because Charlton Heston did it doesn't mean you can.

At the end of the day, even if they have similar IQs and political leanings, the relationship is an interspecies romance, and that sort of thing generally doesn't fly with an audience. Mostly because, as you may have guessed from the build-up to this point, it's just so super gross. Don't make out with a monkey. Or an ape.

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Felix Clay

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