The 4 Most Preposterous Ways to Get Drunk

#2. Inhaling Booze

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Another trend for which you can thank YouTube, the idea of inhaling or smoking alcohol has been around for a while. There are bars in Europe that use it as a gimmick, but YouTube made it down home easy by providing videos that show you how you, too, can get all piss-tank sloppy without even needing a functional stomach -- all it takes is a bike pump and a plastic bottle. Even hobos have that shit! Back alley partay!

The basic idea behind this is you put alcohol in a bottle and then add air -- a bike pump is the favorite of YouTubers. Seal the bottle with a cork or a rubber stopper of some kind around the pump needle and then fill it with air, increasing pressure until the bottle is pretty firm. When you release the pressure, it's like a little booze fairy arrives and farts magical clouds all over the bottle. The change in pressure immediately vaporizes the alcohol and you can suck back a lungful of sweet, sweet Drambuie.

Like all the other methods of getting drunk that don't include drinking, the selling point of this is that it gets you drunk on the super quick. Because you're bypassing the stomach, you also don't take in those extra boozy calories, so you can maintain that diet while still snorting your way toward believing that C.H.U.D. across the room is probably hot enough to wipe your genitals across.

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"I don't get it, I've been inhaling bacon and fudge every morning!"

Doctors, Debbie Downers that they are, are quick to point out that you're trading your fast buzz for potential lung and brain damage, since the alcohol is hitting your brain much more quickly than the old-fashioned drinky drinky way. They forget to mention that you need a big, fat bottle and a bicycle pump with you for this to work, so why the hell would you ever do this? You should never need a bicycle pump to do anything, aside from pumping up a bike tire, and even then you should have your manservant do it whilst you sit in the shade with a mojito made from exotic limes picked by upper middle class families from Oregon who have been forced into humiliating servitude for your pleasure. You call them your limebeciles and never learn their names.

At the end of your booze-gassening experiment, you'll still be left with a jug full of liquid, which you're going to either drink or throw away, both of which make you look like a wasteful chump, and you know what Lincoln said about wasteful chumps. He said "fuck them." It's on the $5 bill, go look.

#1. Vodka Tampons

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Soren also covered vodka tampons in his column, and guess what? Actually, no, people don't really do that. Or they didn't until the media and smarty-pantses like Soren decided to tell everyone they didn't do it, because then people tried to actually do it. The Wall Street Journal did a big expose in 2010 about how I never masturbate, and let me tell you, I taught those assholes a lesson. Anyway, a blogger for the Huffington Post even tried to make vodka tampons happen for real and wrote about how her experience was less than compelling or drunkening.

Turns out a few things work against the idea of vodka tampons, chief among them being that a tampon can only hold about a shot's worth of booze. So you have to pour a shot, stuff a tampon in it, soak it up, and then wedge the tampon in place while trying to avoid squeezing most of the booze out, since tampons, in most industrialized and non-clown-run countries, are designed to go in empty. In the time it takes you to do this, you likely could down several shots.

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"Ten tampons later, I'm barely buzzed, and my box burns like an eyeful of Sriracha."

Now let's say that even though you could drink those shots, the vodka tampon is a better idea because your vag is just so damn hungry for booze, it'll sop it up like a ShamWow and get you blitzed way faster. Your next issue, as discovered by HuffPo, is that vodka burns crotches. You're not supposed to fill your sensitive lady parts with 40 percent alcohol. Because no shit. If you possess a vagina, but not the ability to intuit the pain it would cause to fill it with some Smirnoff, your brain probably can't risk any more exposure to alcohol anyway. I don't even have a vagina and I don't want to put vodka in my vagina.

Arguably the biggest issue with the concept of vodka tampons is related to the very nature of tampons themselves. Having never used one, I had to seek the expertise of a vaginologist, who assured me that the primary function of a tampon is to absorb. So you take this already soggy thing and jimmy it into your canal and then what? If the purpose of a tampon is to suck liquid in and not shoot it out like some kind of fun time uterine booze sprinkler, it's just going to sit there and mildly burn you until you remove it. The only possible way for a vodka tampon to even approach being functional is if you've been extensively practicing your Kegels and you bear down on that little bastard, which you're going to have to do while standing on your head to prevent that half a shot of booze you'll get from it from shooting like cobra venom right down your thighs.

A vagina has to be more absorbent than a tampon itself for this entire scenario to work, and if a vagina is more absorbent than a tampon, then no one in the world would use a goddamn tampon because it would literally do nothing. It would be like jamming some kind of oversight committee in your twat, just to waste time and money and accomplish nothing, but making you vaguely uncomfortable. Who wants that?

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Felix Clay

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