Love Coupons (2006)
This coupon book was released back in 2006 for $5.95. If I have any criticism, it's that Gregory J.P. Godek's mind and genitals are wastelands of impotence. But in addition to that, this book lacks the subtlety of his later work. Almost every coupon is a tiny variation on "Fuck the person holding this."
This seems a little optimistic for a coupon. How many Buy-One-Get-One-Free pantyhose ads did Godek have to masturbate to before he decided that the coupon was the ultimate achievement in human sexuality?
Yeah, let's get this coupon sex over with. Although while I'm inside you I want you to know that virtually every commerce law considers this prostitution.
At least three hours? Am I dating a girl with no hobbies and two backup vaginas or am I just stuck in an uncooperative hot tub drain? I guess this is Godek. A sensuous extended lovemaking session for him probably means a king size Milky Way bar and a costume contest from her favorite cabaret.
Godek loves to feed the ladies. People do math in their heads when he and his date stand near an elevator capacity sign. His relationships only end in two ways: coronary and sink hole. Godek thinks cunnilingus is a type of buttery pasta and by the time he takes you on a third date, it will be.
We're all adults here, Godek. You can say "butt stuff." Honestly, this one scares the hell out of me more than any of the others. Imagine the kind of woman who has no problem buying sex with a coupon, and then try to imagine something she would be shy about doing. If you give her carte blanche on some sex, you're an hour away from making a proctologist invent an entirely new procedure.
1001 More Ways to Be Romantic (1992)
This was the 1992 follow-up to the smash hit 1001 Ways To Be Romantic. It was $18.95, but for that money you got hundreds of lists of songs and books that Godek likes. It's such a strangely arranged vomit of text and idiocy that it's possible someone finally did figure out how to make a room full of chimpanzees type.
Too bad your mom didn't have time to baby-proof her home while your skull was still soft, you goddamn idiot. Clumsy thoughts slide out of Godek's head like his twin brother's fetus on the end of a coat hanger.
This is definitely not a "way to be romantic." In fact, this might have mathematically disproven the existence of the female orgasm.
Be sure to draw a pair of eyes to let her know you'll always look after her and a knife to let her know you made dinner.
Five minutes on a date with Godek and it probably wouldn't break her heart if he did both of those at the same time.
And why do they call it fourplay when you do it with five fingers? Also, who decided to name it "golden shower" when female pee is bright green? And don't get me started on the ad wizards who came up with the "family size" bucket. More like "hors d'oeuvres size"! They clearly haven't spent hours tenderly wadding chicken parts into their lover's throat. Mmm ... breasts ... thighs ... gives you some other ideas, doesn't it? That's right -- buy her a turkey with the note "THANKS for GIVING me a bacterial rash!"
I'm not going to sleep with your beast wife, Godek!
This is what it looks like when a guy thinks with his penis and then turns out to not have one.
So I guess now we know how he lost his penis.
I wonder what it's like to look at the world with this kind of observational wit. Is every object a wonderland of insight and wisdom? Does he see a pencil and think about all the g-spots that pencil-owners must be able to scrape? Does he see a dog food coupon and wonder why there are no dog handjob coupons?
Yeah, I guess there's always that, dipshit. Godek, unexplained fish smells are more romantic than you. If you gave your girlfriend a list of medications you can't take with your hep-B pills, it would have more romance in it than this book.
Or you could let her have a conversation in peace, you clingy fruit loop. You probably wake your wife up every half hour to ask if she still loves you, don't you? You've sucked that woman's will to live so dry that birds die when she walks under them.
And you can write romance books that just stop when you run out of ideas, you stupid dick.
Seanbaby invented being funny on the internet. Check out more from him at Seanbaby.com and follow him on Twitter.