#2. Hitting a String of Green Lights
Hard work can get you far in life, but it's nothing without a little luck. Anyone who is successful and doesn't cite luck as a major factor in their success is an arrogant dick. When you're trying to beat a microwave countdown or get a USB into a slot, you're relying mostly on hard work. Luck plays a small yet crucial role. When it comes to something like, say, hitting a string of green lights while driving, there is no work. There is no effort. You are coasting on nothing but one of the purest examples of luck a person can encounter. That luck could have been used to pick the winning Powerball numbers, but you don't activate luck; it turns on whenever it wants. If it turns on while you're driving through a green light, your luck will assume it's time to give this drive some flow.
Your luck will extend its tendrils outward, far beyond the confines of your car. Those tendrils will slither around and envelop the traffic lights ahead of you, forcing them to create an ideal situation for your car's path.
Only vaguely phallic!
One after another, the tendrils of luck tear inconvenience from your drive, forcefully altering the predestined map of life, carving an unbroken road for you and only you, casting aside the wills and desires of all others in your way. Green after green, your luck disregards the lives of everyone on either side of your path. People are late for work, need to pick up their kids from school, or just want to get home and relax after a long day -- your luck tendrils care not for their plight. For a brief moment, you are the master of the road, the lord of all things vehicular. Everyone driving beside you is an innocent swimmer caught in your tsunami of good fortune.
All the green lights you're blazing through may not ultimately be your doing, but it's still happening to you. This is your achievement; your glory. You should be proud. But always understand that no matter how many lights you catch, you will never, ever, be as lucky as this guy:
#1. That One Special and Stupid Thing You Can Do
All the previous entries were about the kinds of achievements most of us can experience, the shared accomplishments we can agree on. This entry is about the accomplishments we as individuals bring to the table. We all have one entirely useless thing we can achieve or have achieved that makes us puff our chests and proudly declare, "I ONCE DID A THING THAT IS IN NO WAY WORTHY OF BEING CAPS LOCKED!"
Taco Bells used to have a coin-drop game beside their registers. If you dropped a coin into a plastic tank of water and landed it on one of several little circular platforms, you'd win a taco. First time I ever tried it -- BAM! Landed on the platform -- taco. Tried it again days later -- taco. One time, as a broke high schooler, I only had some loose change, not even enough to pay for a taco. So I told my friend I could land a quarter on a platform and essentially buy a taco for a quarter -- BAM! First shot -- taco. Replace a baseball with tacos and it's my version of Babe Ruth calling his shot.
I can go even smaller yet even more impressive: I knew a guy who never had any trouble finding parking wherever he went. It was astounding. There was always a space readily available, and a good one, too. I'm talking the ones near the handicap spaces. The Presidential Suite of parking spaces. I guess he was the devil or something.
We've all got that stupid thing we're good at, and while I find it a little annoying when Internet writers end their articles by begging readers to comment and share their opinion, I'm going to do it now. I want to read about the stupid yet impressive things you've achieved. So put them in the comments. Let us all brag about things unworthy of being bragged about. Shower me with your astonishing tales of mediocrity!
The tendrils of luck have trapped Luis within an endless succession of green lights, and he fears it's turning into a horrible Twilight Zone-esque moral lesson about getting what you wish for. In the meantime, you can find him on Twitter and Tumblr.
For more odd things people can brag about, check out The 27 Most Impressively Nerdy Accomplishments.