Putting the Brakes on AIDS
by Peter Enns, 1992
At first glance this looks like a novelization of the film Cars, but it came out 14 years before the movie and it's about cars having "X" and catching AIDS. This book is so old it came with a cassette tape. Like most children's books, it's a really complicated allegory, so I'll let Putting the Brakes on AIDS explain it.
Wait, are they saying you can get AIDS from fucking a car? I knew that mechanic was lying!
The main character in the story is Macho McKar,
a car-about-town and music superstar.
Macho is named Macho. He's purple, he cries, has a moustache and no wife.
Are you getting it yet, or do you need to see him suck off a Kia Soul's exhaust pipe?
Macho died alone like a fetus in a jar.
After all, his name wasn't "Magic Johnson" McKar.
And though the details of Macho's sex life remain rather hazy,
here's where the book starts to get goddamn crazy.
The hidden lesson is that "X" is only right between a boy and girl car,
Which is an idea that struck me as odd,
Because if that's true, then how do the Transformers fuck?
Ha ha ha -- I win again, God.
Homosexuality: Legitimate, Alternate Deathstyle
by Dick Hafer, 1986
For 204 pages, this book covers both aspects of homosexuality from anal insertion to putting things up the butt. The book is narrated by three main characters: one guy making up medical facts about bath houses and anal leakage, a disgusted guy who is learning what gay people do for the first time and a gay guy who is ashamed of himself. And since the author is a stupid dick, all three characters are dipshits. More of this fascinating handbook can be found online here.
Imagine for a moment you've only met one black person. His name is Chris. One day you spend three straight hours asking him questions about his sex life. Later, after Chris has punched you, you write down what he said and call it, The Black Truths About All Black People. That book would be more accurate and less offensive than Homosexuality: Legitimate, Alternate Deathstyle.
It's fun watching stupid people come to scientific conclusions. Speaking of, if only 85 percent of gay men started out that way, then that means that 15 percent of women make men want to turn gay! That ... that actually sounds about right.
The book walks a very fine line between sensationalized anti-gay sentiments and practical tips on how to fuck homosexual gentlemen.
Dick Hafer has tracked down the most reliable enema and poop-eating surveys to help you get the facts. And since I know you're curious about "handballing ..."
This guy isn't being fair at all. Of course fisting is going to sound horrible if you don't mention the music and the clapping spectators. Unless I'm thinking of karaoke. No ... no, I'm thinking of fisting. Ugh, gay anthropology class is hard.
That's right, many homosexuals kiss. I didn't find this very shocking, but it marked the point of the book where I realized the author was crazy in more than just the one specific way. This is the kind of guy who has to put two condoms on before he scolds his own penis.
I'm the kind of guy who only licks a girl's butt when it's her birthday or something, so I haven't given this a ton of thought, but to me the gross part of anilingus is not that someone might have gotten saliva in their rectum. That's like getting upset that someone spilled chili all over your human finger.
I was making fun of the book earlier, but in my experience this all seems perfectly accurate.
Homosexuals handling food? Now I've heard everything!
Here's what weirds me out the most about this book. The author obviously spends a lot of time imagining and reading about sodomy. And here he has a list of homosexual people from all walks of life. And yet in his wildest imagination, he can't seem to picture gay people being any more complicated than "filled with semen." There are no shy gay people sitting at home alone. There are no gay couples enjoying a non-dildo hobby together. In Dick's mind, every single one of them is elbow-deep in a butthole and drowning in pee at all hours of the day. Homosexuals don't have a second personality type, which I guess explains why gay dating profiles just have a line for "Name" and nothing else.
What kind of ladies does this fucking maniac date that he thinks only gay men kiss and give blowjobs? Oh no, I just figured it out: ladies with duct tape over their mouths.
For more on the topics of comics God, and the homosexual deathstyle, enjoy 9 Ludicrous Trends in Comic Advertising We'll Never See Again, Aquaman Bible Stories and Is it Gay or is it Maxim?