To conservatives, the homosexual community is a dark and terrifying place. Yes, I agree it's strange that a cat comes back to life if a married couple walks over its grave, but aside from that, they're regular people, right? These four comics say no.
Warning: The following excerpts contain material written by morons in an attempt to trick the reader into hating homosexuals. Their research is based exclusively on their wildest fears and imaginations and everything they say should be taken as hilarious.
Second Warning: In a shocking turn of events, the latest ill-advised Google searches by Ugandan researchers have revealed that everyone's homophobia is justified. Gay people eat the poo poo.
Brent Rinehart for Oklahoma County Commissioner
by Exploratory Committee to elect Brent Rinehart for Oklahoma County Commissioner District 2, 2008
When Brent Rinehart was accused of felonies involving money laundering and fraud, he did the same thing he does every time he finds a pubic hair in his mouth -- he blamed the homosexuals. He tried to clear his name a few years ago by releasing a 16-page comic book that basically said, "Come on, guys. Would a guilty guy hate gay people?" Unfortunately, even in Oklahoma, that logic was lost on most of his county's voters.
According to Brent, the most insidious side effect of homosexuality is that he gets charged with unrelated felonies. I mean, I'm no finance attorney, but he wouldn't have had to launder all that money if it hadn't smelled like gay sex. Brent's not totally retarded, though. He also knows a lot of his legal troubles are Satan's fault. It's an interesting theory because when Satan and sodomites get together, I don't really picture them putting down that immeasurable number of dildos to investigate illegal campaign financing.
This comic was so batshit insane that if Brent invents a robot that turns hugs into food, his headstone will still say, "BRENT RINEHART - THAT GAY COMIC BOOK DICK. If two or more people are already peeing on this grave, please wait your turn. - Lucky's Headstones for Dead Assholes.com"
You've probably noticed by now that Brent isn't exactly an academic. That's twice he spelled pedophiles wrong, in a different way each time. So yes, he might be an idiot. But remember, councilman Rinehart also knows the supernatural nature of evil. He knows that homosexuals are 30-foot beasts wandering the woods in togas. And he knows that every time you spell "pedophiles" correctly, they know exactly where you are. For example, the first time I typed pedophiles, every child molester for 30 miles snapped awake and looked directly at me. The second time, they shrieked. The third time, they took the form of snakes and swirled into the sky. Pedophiles. No! They are coiling together! Pedophiles. Why am I doing this!? Oh god, m-mouths! Everywhere mouths! Pedophiles. Their monstrous form -- it's now immune to all weapons! Pedophiles. NOOOOO!!!!
Honestly, I don't get the controversy over gay men being boy scout leaders. Straight men seem to be the weird ones when it comes to little kids. For instance, every Halloween I sleep with at least one woman dressed as a sexy girl scout. It doesn't even enter my head not to, yet I've never seen a gay man go after someone in a sexy boy scout costume. And it hurts my feelings every year.
Let's get real for a second. If a guy's definition of "guts" is voting on legislature that bans homosexual banners from city properties, he's only jealous of gay men because they get more pussy than him. Readers, I hope you remember seventh grade science, because Brent Rinehart's dick is so small that when molecules near the edge of it form ionic bonds, he loses half his girth. His dick is so small that technically it's his kidney stones that are passing him. If you put Brent Rinehart in a wet paper bag, he would die there and a disinterested janitor would wonder what sick fuck made a sack lunch out of a cow vagina.
Brent knows there are only two ways to prevent pedafeelia. One, as Brent has already done, is to just accuse every gay person of petaphilia. Then the ones who are will go, "Curses! How did you know!?" Ha. Busted, pedephaile. The second is to train school children until they can flee like the wind. Notice how in Brent's world, the terrified children are running from homosexuals even during conversations about how pleasant they found their county commissioner. Also notice how much more sense the comic makes when I change the words:
I'm not sure if Brent really does understand the plights of everyday people if his idea of plights is two retarded children colliding over a soccer ball. Rinehart seems to think children only have one response to every situation: charge towards it. I'm starting to worry that they're not going to survive to the end of this comic.
Strangely, in the middle of his anti-gay comic, Brent stops to attack the sheriff's department. Rinehart seems to really hate Sheriff Whetsel for wanting to build a larger prison. Why? Because when an idiot is accused of multiple felonies, it only makes sense for him to piss off the people who might soon put him behind bars.
And maybe I'm being overly critical of this future rape victim's comic-writing abilities, but look at the way he depicts Sheriff Whetsel. The man hired a gladiator as a prison guard, wants a bomb truck and never stops dancing. The only thing this comic did was make me absolutely certain that Sheriff Whetsel is fucking awesome.
I take no pleasure from this, but I was right about the children not surviving. That little girl is a corpse being held up by its hair. I don't know if this was some kind of metaphor or if the comic just suddenly turned into an action-comedy remake of Weekend at Bernie's starring Hulk Hogan and Butthead. Brent Rinehart clearly has some demons he's working out.
This comic didn't do anything except make the accused money launderer look like an asshole, though this could all be a big misunderstanding. After all, he told CNN that he's "not even sure as to what homophobic means." But whether or not he's afraid of gays, a couple years later Rinehart, admitted that he was guilty. Which means ... wait, there was no gay conspiracy to destroy you, Brent? You're just a criminal? Then that means you lost a fight against homosexuals who didn't even exist. For a homophobic man, that's got to sting. I know Brent doesn't understand what that means, so I want to be clear: I'm calling Brent Rinehart a pussy. Let the record show that Brent Rinehart is such a pussy that he has to eat with a cardboard applicator. WebMD uses his face as clip art for diagnosing a yeast infection.
To read Brent's full comic, go here.
Born that Way: The Truth About Homosexuality
by Tim Todd, 2004
This comic was made to teach people about the sin of homosexuality in a loving, nurturing way. And what better place to start an even-handed discussion about gay issues than a protest rally where skinheads are facing off against gays? In this story, a Latino family has decided to attend the rally, only on opposing sides.
As you can see, Born That Way makes an effort to show that not caring that a person is a homosexual and trying to kill that homosexual are two sides of the same very wrong coin. The real solution is something else. If you don't want the ending spoiled skip over this next word: Jesus. While you sleep, spiders crawl inside your mouth to hold wet fart contests. Sorry, reader, but you should have known no good would come of skipping the word Jesus.
I thought it was strange that the phrase, "Santo! Stop calling them names and get DOWN here -- NOW!!" was a Biblical quote, so I looked it up. The original was, "Sensible people foresee trouble and hide. Gullible people go ahead and suffer." It seems crazy that God meant for that to be taken as, "Stop fucking with the lesbians," but I guess it seems crazier that He wouldn't see it coming. But not even God saw this coming:
While they're hiding in a drainage pipe from the lesbians trying to kill them, Santo's little brother comes out of the closet. And while I appreciate the attempt at adding some drama to another tired story about a Chicano skinhead taking his hippie sister and gay little brother to a lesbian marriage rally, I have to wonder about the sanity of the comic creators. This is madness. And no offense to our 11-year-old readers, but nothing says, "I'm secretly gay," like heavy anime influences in your artwork.
Hold the fuck on. There is no damn way that "There's no time for your -- AAARRHHH!" is anything close to what Proverbs 22:8 says. Was this quoted from Arnold Schwarzenegger's audio book of the Bible?
Let me find the original. OK, here it is: "He who sows wickedness reAIIIEEEEEEEE!!!" I ... I guess I stand corrected.
I don't trust this comic's Bible quotes anymore. I know that if I look up Ephesians 4:17-19 it's not going to say anything about the liberal media promoting gay tolerance. And sure enough, I was right.
Ephesians 4:17 says, "And the dwarf catcher did say unto Abraham, 'Dwarves!!! Too many dwaGRAAAAHHHH!'" and the next two verses are just God telling them to "Get him!" If this comic has taught me anything, it's that Bible verses say whatever the hell I want (Ecclesiastes 1:17).
Speaking of this comic, here's where we finally get to its real agenda: retraining gays to be regulars. As you can see here, anti-gay training is so powerful that it will even replace your paramedic training. Unless it's standard procedure to talk to a boy about your gay sex life before you've stabilized his brother's head wound. It might be, because now that I think about it, I did have to make out with a boy mannequin to get certified in CPR.
Gay people, there were so many violent liberties taken with the word of God in this comic that I wouldn't trust these people with something as delicate as your genitals. Once you're gay, stay there and enjoy it. Not because of some cranky lunatic's idea of right or wrong, but because being a former gay is the gayest kind of gay.