The main pastime of inebriated white people is describing the most wasted that they have ever been, usually followed by explaining, in vivid detail, the well-deserved consequences of said event. I don't know why we're so proud of our terrible decisions and inevitable comeuppance. Perhaps it's a cathartic thing -- an attempt to alleviate some subconscious guilt for past transgressions -- or perhaps it's just really, really funny to relive the time Gary threw up on that cop. Regardless, we're going to have to figure out a new way to pass the time, because these folks have won the weirdo criminal competition once and for all.
#4. Have You Ever Gotten So Drunk That You Woke Up With Sanctions?
Laura Hall is the patron saint of drunken consequences.
Laura Hall is the first human being to be banned from drinking in an entire country. I once got 86'ed from a bar for dry-humping a jukebox (in my defense, it was playing Journey's "Separate Ways," and I am but a man, with all of man's weaknesses). That's what it takes to get a single building to refuse to serve you alcohol again. Laura Hall did something so outrageous that an entire country put her picture up on the wall with the line "DO NOT SERVE" underlined six times. And the story, impossibly, gets better from there:
That country ... was England.
Nobody is drunker than England! Except places that are kind of England anyway, like Wales -- where Laura Hall is also banned from drinking. That's right: Not one, but two countries are so frightened of what Laura Hall does with a few in her that they have instituted nationwide bans to keep her from consuming alcohol within their borders. And getting hilariously, criminally drunk is all Wales does! Wales is Europe's Florida. The words on the national crest of Wales are "Fuck you, I can drive." Their entire language looks like a drunken email to your ex. Their national anthem is the slurred words to Chumbawamba's "Tubthumping" -- and fucking Wales thought Hall was so out of control that they had to adopt a liquor fatwa.
The judge who sentenced Hall said she "represented all that is despicable and rotten in society." He further elaborated that "it must be a frightening sight to see you in full sail." Holy shit! I'm pretty sure that's what grizzled old pirates timidly whisper to each other when you bring up the Flying Dutchman, and that quote was from a judge! A man who does nothing but listen to crime reports all day.
So what, exactly, did Laura Hall do to earn her international 86'ing?
I DON'T KNOW.
Various news stories mention a few different charges -- drunk in public, assault, trespassing -- but nothing that hints at what earned her the wrath of two entire countries and a sentence that sounds like a zealous priest's condemnation of the devil. But I'm actually fine with that. See, Laura Hall is like a horror movie -- right now she's the unseen monster, leaving our imaginations to fill in the blanks. Finding out her actual crimes would likely just disappoint.
But really, though, it has to involve at least some light treason, right?
#3. In Her Defense, She Thought It Was a Really Slow Jet Ski
Part of the reason we hear so many crazy crime stories coming out of Florida is because the disclosure laws work differently down there. The other part is that Florida is as far as the psychopath parade got before they ran into the ocean and decided to just make camp. Regardless, for the connoisseur of hilarious crime, it's tough to beat the Sunshine State. An example:
Florida police arrested a woman for wrangling and illegally mounting up a manatee, then riding it around the ocean.
She was charged with two counts of Aquamanning in the second degree.
Gloria Garcia Gutierrez, a 53-year-old Sears employee, explained to authorities that she just didn't know you couldn't do it, so she did it. Which is the best excuse for anything I have ever heard. In what I'm going to have to assume were her exact words:
"Ain't nobody said I couldn't ride that bitch, so I rode that bitch."
It is, obviously, a crime to jack a sea cow and tear it around like a maritime Rascal scooter. But to her credit, Triple-G came forward of her own volition when she realized that authorities were looking for her, sadly denying us the slow-motion aquatic sea chase that dreams are made of.