The 4 Most Baffling Things Hiding in the 'Avengers 2' Poster

#2. Ultron's Robots Have Giant Buttholes and Vagina Spines


Like I said earlier, the poster is like a Where's Waldo? book with small stories taking place in every nook and cranny. Zoom in to a random spot and you'll find something interesting. So, there I was, zooming in on Scarlett Johansson's cleavage, when I scrolled to the left and saw one of the robots revealing a side of itself that can't be seen on any other robot in the picture:

Mm. Firm.

Looks like these things have buttholes -- big ones, too. Prolapsed human buttholes that have been bronzed like baby shoes. I know, I know -- it's not actually a butthole, just a little design touch added to make the robot taint more visually appealing for the 1/8 of a blurry second you'll probably see it on screen. See, in the age of pause buttons and 4K resolution, every inch of everything has to be packed with detail or else fans will take to the Internet and claim laziness on the part of the designers. If the robot's taint were smooth and devoid of all trace of a pooper instead of looking like a cannonball squeezing through a pinhole in a sheet of aluminum, fans would feel like it was a missed opportunity. Better to have the robots in a constant state of crowning as they give birth to a parking meter than have nothing going on between the legs.
It's better to have a vampire bat for an asshole than no asshole at all.

The metallic genitals don't end there: These robots have vagina spines! I don't mean barbed vaginas -- that would be unseemly. I mean their spines are shaped like flappy vagina wings.


I know what you're thinking: Of all things, how do I know for certain that their spines look like modern art vagina sculptures made of recycled soda cans? Well, because I once wrote an article for another site wherein, for journalistic reasons, I had to closely examine a Fleshlight that was made to look like a cyborg's pussy. I'm not going to post the picture here, but I sure will link to it.

Back puss.

Look at that "cyborg" labia and look at the spine on Ultron's robots -- tell me those things don't look like cousins from the same family of design ideas.

#1. Hawkeye's Face


There's a specific look you'll make when someone rubs their hand all over their butt and then tries to touch your face with their shitty butt-hand. Lips become pursed, eyebrows furrow, the eyes hone in on the foul butt-drenched fingers, and the head recedes into the neck in a futile attempt to escape fingers that are laced with butt funk. If you've ever had a bossy older brother, a mean cousin, or an asshole you were unfortunate enough to call your friend, you've probably been tormented with a nasty, foul-smelling hand shoved in your face. If this is something you've experienced, you can sympathize with Hawkeye:

"ew ew Ew Ew Ew EW EW EW EW EW EW."

That robot isn't trying to kill Hawkeye like all his robot friends are trying to kill the other Avengers -- that one went rogue. It shoved its fingers up its whole gaping metal asshole and is tormenting Hawkeye with a shit-littered hand. Hawkeye's trying not to take a whiff of it, so he's turned his head away slightly. He doesn't want to have shit-fingers swirled on his taste buds, so he's sealed his lips shut, and he's summoning the strength of all his muscles to lock down those wispy face flaps like a casino vault. It's just a poster, there's no sound, and yet when I look at that face, I can almost hear what Hawkeye's saying through sealed lips -- a seal periodically broken by failed attempts to blow at the fingers to get them the fuck away: "PFFT-mmmmm-MMMMM-NNNNOOOOOOO! PFFFF-STOPIT-PFFFT!-MMMM-PFFT!"

Look at the face on that robot. Look at the devious snarl:


This particular Ultron robot has a more dastardly plot in mind than simple murder. Why do you think Quicksilver and Captain America are running toward Hawkeye with gritted teeth and desperation in their eyes?


If they don't get there in time, poor, disrespected Hawkeye is going to get the Dirty Sanchez of a lifetime.

Luis invites you to stare at him and point out all his goofy features. You can do that by following him on Twitter and Tumblr.

Luis would like to thank fellow Cracked writer David Dietle for inspiring this column.

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Luis Prada

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