The 4 Creepiest Ways We'll Inevitably Use Robot Servants


Pop culture assures us all that, before we know it, we will have not just jet packs, but jet packs that also make espresso and give prostate massages. And our cars will park themselves while we sleep one off, our TVs will have 6,000 channels (and over 10 of them will be run by TLC and will literally siphon your soul as you view them) and there will be robots. Glorious, poised-to-destroy-us-at-any-moment robots. They will do our laundry and read us books and wipe our asses while we eat delicate moon pies made in actual pie factories on the moon, the moon being the most economical place to harvest berries in the future.

But is that all there is for robots -- abject servitude and eventual genocide? Oh no. No, humanity isn't going to let that happen. We have other ideas up our sleeves and, inevitably, human nature will take their robot slaves down some darker paths.

#4. Sex

I can't stress enough not only how plausible it is that robots will be used for sex, but how it actually exists right now in a way that's even weirder than that robo humpathon Michael Sullivan art I used in the header there. . Let me ask you this -- how many human-shaped robots can you go out and buy right now that will drive a car for you, or clean your house, or toil in your salt mines? Not a damn one. How many robots can you buy and put the hump on? Some!

For a few grand, you can buy Roxxxy, a robot girlfriend that has a pre-built personality and can carry on conversations with you. Also it's on par with polio and One Direction for awful things that mankind has had to endure. Behold this video, in which a guy who fate demanded had to work at this company demonstrates her sex seizures:

Hey chum, does your wife know you do this? Is she allowed out of the basement?

If a handful of sex robots doesn't convince you, it's worth noting that people who are experts and probably being funded by tax dollars are also weighing in on the thrills of man/juicer love. AI researchers in the Netherlands pulled the year 2050 out of their asses as the year human/robot marriage will likely be legalized. Probably based on 80 percent science and 20 percent history of jacking off on an air conditioner. If that prediction seems lame, also know that in 2006, the founder of the European Robotics Research Network predicted that humans would be having sex with robots by 2011. Roxxxy up there existed in 2011. Did you feel that? That was science's big, robot boner sticking it in real deep-like.

#3. Crime

Once you're done having sex with your robot, what's left to do? The answer is obvious -- give it a gun to help you rob a bank so you can afford more robot sexbots for robosexbotting. You depraved son of a bitch.

Robot criminals are likely to be as plentiful as robot cock mittens in the future, thanks to the fact that when a robot commits a crime, no one cares if it gets shot. And also it doesn't need to be as conspicuous as a T-1000. In fact, as demonstrated at a robotics challenge in 2010, a simple flying robotic device able to come in through your window, access your computer, steal important files and then upload a virus is all that's needed to cripple a corporation or steal massive amounts of money electronically.

Want something more disturbing? Avatars! Like the movie, only with less blue kitty people who need to cock socket other blue kitty people to make friends. Researchers right at this second are working on something called "beaming," where your actions and movements are beamed to a robotic avatar somewhere else in the world that physically takes your place. So you could use it to attend meetings in a physical manner, or families could spend time with soldiers in a war zone with no danger to themselves. Hell, you could play soccer with your kid while he's away at college. You could go away to college without going away. Or, and this is a wild idea, you could hack someone else's avatar and rob a bank with their ID written across your shiny, miscreant chassis. You could slip into their sex avatar and do their wife while she has no idea her husband is missing. You could light Detroit on fire and dare anyone to notice.

Also a fun thought exercise is, if you are in China and you access an avatar in Texas to hold up a Piggly Wiggly, who has prosecutorial jurisdiction?

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Ian Fortey

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