The 4 Craziest Scientific Theories Posed by U.S. Politicians

American politics is a nightmare version of American Idol: It's full of desperately unqualified people who won popularity contests, and they can ruin your life, even if you don't watch them. Especially then, in fact. Especially squared when they're on science-related committees. Bipartisan politics is the evil opposite of science, changing facts to fit preformed opinions. We'd be better off with Rock 'Em Sock 'Em robots, because at least they're honest about fighting just because the other is red or blue, have something to do with technology and admit when they're beaten.

And C-SPAN would single-handedly save television.

I'm not going to mention party affiliation below, because mentioning that is to science what mentioning your collection of unwashed children's clothing is to joining the police: way past irrelevant and into evidence that you're the kind of problem they're meant to be fixing. I won't be calling these guys "representative," either, because the only things they represent is how maybe science and energy committees should be staffed by people born after lead paint became illegal for use in children's bedrooms.

#4. Todd Akin: Women Have Anti-Rape Brakes

Committee on Science, Space and Technology

Todd Akin looks like a race of goblins grew a hybrid in a glass tank to infiltrate humanity, but he knows less about the female reproductive system.

Asked about abortion in the case of pregnancies resulting from rape on the Jaco Report, Akin explained:

"First of all, from what I understand from doctors, that's really rare. If it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down."

No one has had a worse understanding of female biology since they stopped inventing ancient Greek monsters. He lazily missed every important point about female genitals while vaguely gesturing with his hands, causing his wife to orgasm as she realized that that was this year's foreplay allowance ... which doesn't change the fact that he called every woman made pregnant by rape a lying slut who really wanted it. The last shot of that interview should have been the camera being knocked aside as the entire production crew descended on him.

The Jaco Report
Instead, Jaco tried really hard to remember what interviewers are meant to do again.

In the aftermath, Akin went into the most default political safe mode ever, claiming that he'd "misspoken" and immediately and repeatedly invoking 9/11. If that was him misspeaking, a real glimpse into his beliefs would be his skull unfurling to release the stinking cloud of a million spermflies -- equally disgusting and sexually impossible, and resulting in just as many unwanted pregnancies from horrific events. The reality was even worse. His "apology" explained that he meant "forcible" instead of "legitimate"; i.e., he repeated his original claim that pregnancy meant that she was asking for it. If forcible rape didn't result in pregnancy, 0.25 percent of the human race wouldn't be descended from Gengis Khan. Who, by this point, was a more popular political character than Todd Akin.

Wikimedia Commons, Brücke-Osteuropa
Imagine what would have to happen in the future for Akin to get a statue like this. Stop crying.

But back to the original interview: A woman has been raped, what happens next?

"I think there should be some punishment, but the punishment ought to be on the rapist and not attacking the child."

Behold! In addition to her other superpowers, the woman has become invisible! Akin acknowledges the rapist and the rapejuice, and as far as he's concerned, that's everyone important dealt with. In his mind, rape is an aggressive form of littering. He then immediately invokes the fallacy that a tissue's worth of rapist semen is immediately an entire human being. To Akin, the woman just lost the non-no-contact version of tag and should accept the consequences of internal gonads somewhere he doesn't have to think about it.

#3. Paul Broun: Embryology Is a Lie from the Pits of Hell

Committee of Science, Space and Technology

Paul Broun is 66, in keeping with the governmental policy of staffing technology committees with people who refer to Betamax as newfangled. He spoke at the Liberty Church Killing-Things-With-Guns Banquet, and that's got to be the Konami Code of keywords to shut down your critical thinking processes right there.(Specific church denomination removed as an unnecessary distraction. And they prefer to call themselves "sportsmen," but sportsmen compete against each other, not against dumb animals.)
We swear we didn't Photoshop this. It's from the church banquet website, where they're apparently trying to construct a taxidermied ark.

The entire talk is available on their website, or you can see the relevant comments in this video:

He said that "evolution and embryology and the Big Bang Theory, all that is lies straight from the pit of hell." It seems strange to call evolution a lie while standing in front of an honest attempt to shoot everything resulting from it. Either that, or his Liberty Sportsmen are trying to exterminate all the evidence. Not liking the Big Bang Theory made him sound like a real scientist for a second, until you realize that he's talking about the actual cosmological theory, not the collection of one-dimensional insults that are what a sitcom writer thinks a nerd is. Later he mentions:

"... there are a lot of scientific data that I've found out as a scientist that actually show that this is really a young Earth. I don't believe that the Earth's but about 9,000 years old. I believe it was created in six days as we know them."

Considering that he was trained "as a scientist," as a chemist and as a medical doctor, either he's been sniffing his own samples, or he got advice from Todd Akin about where to put a Pap smear and ended up exploring a deep dark cavern with a musty map reading "Here there be dragons."

"Appease the beast of menstruation with simple offerings."

Hating the idea of an old Earth and evolution is simple religious jealousy: Dinosaurs don't even need belief, and if they did, everyone would still choose Tyrannosaurus rexes over an invisible beard frowning at your masturbation.

But he doesn't believe in embryology? Embryos are everywhere! There has literally been one embryo for every man, woman and child on the planet. Does he think that ultrasounds are puppet shows put on by extremely disturbed doctors? Do pregnant women swell because they're inflating a bladder of stork-attracting pheromones?

"This will be a good place to nest, hiding my shame from the menfolk."

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Luke McKinney

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