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The 21 Infuriating Steps to Completing Any DIY Project

#11. Ordering Obscure Parts from Around the World

All right: You've figured out the problem. For some reason, what you're trying to do is slightly different from what literally everybody else on the planet has done throughout all of human history.

Of fucking course it is.


"Fuck you for being a unique, beautiful snowflake!"

And now, to complete your project, you need some special parts, but the guy at the Home Depot looked at you like you were speaking fucking Chinese when you asked him about it. Which is good, because you're going to need to learn Chinese just to order it.

#12. Waiting for Parts to Arrive via Camel-Freight from Fucking Uzbekistan

So, after days of searching, you've finally found the rare and majestic metaphorical unicorn of parts. You've run the website through Google Translate, made the required Sacrifices Three to the God of Bridges, and twice blessed your credit card information with "Lady of Water Greetings." Your part, as near as you can tell, is on its way.

It will be here in an estimated 7.3 months.

#13. Getting Impatient, and Trying to Jury-Rig Something

You know what? Maybe you don't need that super-rare special part. You could probably just trim that one thing down a little, maybe rig up a little shim, drill the bolt out and retap it-

#14. Dealing With Horrific Failure

Oh. Oh no. The thing that's supposed to fix the thing broke off in the thing?!

HOW DO YOU FIX THE THING THAT FIXES BROKEN THINGS?!

#15. Fuck It

Seriously. Fuck it.

#16. Fuck Everything

Fucking fuck everything.

#17. The Parts Have Arrived!

Oh yeah! You were doing that thing. Whatever happened to that thing? Is it ... is it still in the garage? Holy shit! It is!

Why did you ever stop doing this?! It was so much fun! Let's kick all these hobos and raccoons and hobo raccoons out of here and get back to work!

#18. It ... Worked?

No. Surely it couldn't have been that easy. After all this drama. All this waiting -- it can't be over, can it? Try wiggling it. No? Still good? Push on it a little. It's holding on? Is it the kind of thing that can start? If so, try starting it up, surely it's not going to-

God's wet balls! It worked! IT WORKED!

IT LIVES.*

*Special Note: If your project is an Amateur Frankenstein, remember to kill your assistants at this point. Their usefulness has come to an end, and they know too much.

#19. Beer!

Well, hell yes it's beer!

#20. Sharing Your Success

Now it's time to edit out all the pictures of you crying in the closet and your many attempted suicides, then post the guide online for others to see! This is a mandatory step, because do-it-yourself work functions on the exact same principle as that video tape from The Ring: The only way to escape it is to make a copy and send somebody else into this fucking spiral of destruction in your place.

#21. Starting Over

Oh man, look at this guide for doing some cool thing that somebody posted on the Internet!

That's a really good idea, and it doesn't look like they had any trouble at all while doing it! You know what? You could totally pull this off -- compared to last time, it'll be a cakewalk.

But let's do it right this time. First, we'll settle in for some general research and ...

Buy Robert's stunning, transcendental, orgasmic science fiction novel, Rx: A Tale of Electronegativity, right here. Or buy Robert's other (pretty OK) book, Everything Is Going to Kill Everybody: The Terrifyingly Real Ways the World Wants You Dead. Follow him on Tumblr, Twitter, and Facebook.

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