THURSDAY: What the Fuck Are You Talking About?
Sometimes Yoko likes to use her Twitter as an opportunity to say, "You know how sometimes forever? Well also infinity jumpkicks! The more you know, now you don't!" It makes following her instructions very difficult.
"Pineapples are a hybrid of Frankenstein! I get headaches all the time!"
This, I did. As likely as it is that Yoko's crazy, I'm also open to the possibility that she's actually just magic. If that's the case, I can see how having an army of trees on my side will be useful somewhere down the line.
I've made my list. Zero! Because the only thing I wanted to say this week was "Yoko's Twitter feed is bullshit," and I shouted it every six minutes. I'm going to live forever. Thanks, Yoko!
Your Twitter feed is bullshit!
This is very liberating advice.
FRIDAY: Dance Dance Dance!
Yoko Ono really wants you to dance. A lot. This is where she is simultaneously infuriating and adorable. There's something innocent and childlike about recommending dance as a solution to all problems. I don't think I could ever hit or dislike someone who, in earnest, said, "I understand you're angry but have you considered dancing with me?" It's just so pure and primal and lovely and goofy.
And it's infuriating because Yoko Ono destroyed The Beatles.
Honestly, I can dance with these seagulls until my friggin' face falls off, but I'm still not going to hear their heartbeats. Even my imagination -- wherein there are no rules or boundaries and anything is possible -- realizes how stupid this is.
I don't have any jokes for this tweet. I'm just leaving this here as proof that she said this, so when we all decide to sue Yoko Ono for damages for advocating weighted back-dancing in her capacity as a role model, we have something to show the judge.
I'd have to agree with Past Daniel; that was really fucking stupid.
Daniel O'Brien is Cracked.com's Senior Writer (ladies), and is ready to show off his awesome dance moves (seagulls).
Make sure you check out more from Dan in I Will No Longer Sleep With Tina Fey If She Asks Me To and Mencia Mania Starts Here! (A Carlos Mencia Primer).