Despite what the flashy videos and constant references to their unspeakable wealth may imply, rappers are mostly regular people just like you and me. With that in mind, it should come as no surprise that, on occasion, they say things in their songs that make no goddamn sense. We all make mistakes, you know? That said, pointing out obvious errors in rap songs is a lot of fun. It's something I've done on this very site at least four times, in fact. We talk about some highlights from those past columns on this week's Unpopular Opinion podcast ...
... where I'm joined by comics Jeff May and Connor McSpadden. As for this column today, I'll talk about a few new examples drawn from one of the most utilized tools in the rap music playbook: the diss. Here are 16 of the most confusing insults from famous rap songs.
16French Montana Doesn't Understand Astronomy
"If you a star, I'm a whole planet."
To be completely honest, I was torn as to whether I even wanted to include this example on the list. I mean, I get it. French Montana is a rapper, not an astronomy major. It's not his job to know that stars are significantly larger than planets. At no point during his development as an artist did he need to know that the smallest star ever measured is still way bigger than Jupiter, the largest planet in our solar system. Hell, if you ask me, planets should be bigger than stars, because planets are where the people are, and we need that extra room for football stadiums and coffee shops. If nothing else, this is the sort of wishful thinking I could totally see myself getting behind. But alas, an error is an error, and this one just happens to be the most egregious misstating of astrological facts on wax since Jay Z assured us that the Sun revolves around the Earth.
15Lloyd Banks Envisions An Insane Jaws Prequel
"I'll be damned if I co-sign a old snitch / That was gangbanging when Jaws was a goldfish."
Did I miss an installment of the Jaws franchise at some point? Yes, I've missed several of them, but even with that being the case, I know damn well that none of those movies involved killer goldfish. They certainly didn't involve goldfish blossoming into full-grown boat-eating sharks. I would've seen that movie. I would remember that movie.