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Despite what the flashy videos and constant references to their unspeakable wealth may imply, rappers are mostly regular people just like you and me. With that in mind, it should come as no surprise that, on occasion, they say things in their songs that make no goddamn sense. We all make mistakes, you know? That said, pointing out obvious errors in rap songs is a lot of fun. It's something I've done on this very site at least four times, in fact. We talk about some highlights from those past columns on this week's Unpopular Opinion podcast ...

... where I'm joined by comics Jeff May and Connor McSpadden. As for this column today, I'll talk about a few new examples drawn from one of the most utilized tools in the rap music playbook: the diss. Here are 16 of the most confusing insults from famous rap songs.

16
French Montana Doesn't Understand Astronomy

YouTube

The Lyrics:

"If you a star, I'm a whole planet."

The Problem:

To be completely honest, I was torn as to whether I even wanted to include this example on the list. I mean, I get it. French Montana is a rapper, not an astronomy major. It's not his job to know that stars are significantly larger than planets. At no point during his development as an artist did he need to know that the smallest star ever measured is still way bigger than Jupiter, the largest planet in our solar system. Hell, if you ask me, planets should be bigger than stars, because planets are where the people are, and we need that extra room for football stadiums and coffee shops. If nothing else, this is the sort of wishful thinking I could totally see myself getting behind. But alas, an error is an error, and this one just happens to be the most egregious misstating of astrological facts on wax since Jay Z assured us that the Sun revolves around the Earth.

15
Lloyd Banks Envisions An Insane Jaws Prequel

YouTube

The Lyrics:

"I'll be damned if I co-sign a old snitch / That was gangbanging when Jaws was a goldfish."

The Problem:

Did I miss an installment of the Jaws franchise at some point? Yes, I've missed several of them, but even with that being the case, I know damn well that none of those movies involved killer goldfish. They certainly didn't involve goldfish blossoming into full-grown boat-eating sharks. I would've seen that movie. I would remember that movie.

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14
Rick Ross Is A Piece Of Shit

YouTube

The Lyrics:

"Trayvon Martin, I'm never missing my target."

The Problem:

On the one hand, this sounds exactly like something a former corrections officer would say, so shout out to Rick for staying true to his self in that regard. Beyond that, there's way too much wrong about this line to even begin to dig into all of it in this column. For now, all you really need to know is that Rick Ross is an awful goddamn person.

13
Chief Keef Will Fuck Your Mom (On Every Song)

YouTube

The Lyrics:

"I can fuck yo momma."

The Problem:

When it comes to insults, Chicago rapper Chief Keef has a very specific one he likes to dish out on a regular basis. Here, look over these lyrics from two different Keef songs and see if you can identify their common theme:

From "Love Sosa": "I get lots of commas, I can fuck yo momma."

From "Don't Make No Sense": "And got lots of commas, I can fuck yo momma."

Are you seeing it yet? If not, here's a line from "No Tomorrow" : "I ain't with the drama, I can fuck yo momma."

Did that do the trick? Do you see it now? If so, say it with me ... Chief Keef thinks he can have sex with your mom! Don't get me wrong; having met your mom, I'm totally inclined to believe him. But it's still creepy how hard he's obsessing over it.

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12
Kanye West Needlessly Disses A Quality Vehicle

YouTube

The Lyrics:

"What you think I rap for, to push a fuckin' RAV4?"

The Problem:

Well just where in the hell is this animosity coming from, Mr. West? I'll have you know a lot of hardworking Americans drive Toyotas of all sorts, including the RAV4. Was a RAV4 involved in that famous accident that nearly derailed your career? Did a RAV4 cast the deciding vote when Taylor Swift won that VMA over Beyonce? For years now, I've wondered exactly what Kanye's beef with mid-sized SUVs might be, and I've yet to come up with a single worthwhile explanation.

11
Young Dro Questions Your Familiarity With Dog Meat

YouTube

The Lyrics:

"What you know 'bout shark meat, perch, and tilapia? ... Alligator, dog meat, caviar, we mafia."

The Problem:

Well, right off the bat, let's address the most obvious issue with these lyrics. He's right, I don't know shit about shark meat. As a land-based mammal, I don't "fucks wit" the ocean, as the kids like to yolo these days. Sure, I could buy shark meat and cook it on the grill, but I'm not 100 percent convinced that sharks won't develop ground attack abilities someday, so I abstain from eating them so that I'll look more like an ally if and when that day arrives.

Right, there's also that part about dog meat. I've listened to this song approximately 750 times trying to convince myself that I don't hear what I think I hear, and not once have I come away from it convinced that not only does Young Dro know what dog meat tastes like, but also that it must be quite damn delicious if he's willing to go public with his love for it. Or maybe he's saying he feeds alligator meat to his dogs? Do his dogs really give a shit about that kind of thing? Wouldn't they be just as happy with cow meat, like normal dogs? These are my questions. I need them answered.

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10
What the Fuck Is LL Cool J Saying?

YouTube

The Lyrics:

"Milky, and I'm back. My ace in the hole was this brand-new track."

The Problem:

Why in the fuck does this song start with LL Cool J yelling the word "milky" at the top of his lungs? Why? WHY??? I've listened to rap music for a lot of years, and this questioned has plagued me for every single one of them. Yes, before you ask, I did consult Genius.com for clues. They offer absolutely nothing in the way of an explanation. Even more bothersome is the fact that LL did shit like this more than once throughout his career. Remember his verse on Craig Mack's "Flava In Ya Ear" remix? If not, I'd like to remind you that it starts like this:

"Hee-shee, uh blowticious / Skeevee, delicious"

What the hell did he just say to me? At least "milky" is an actual word. Granted, it's a batshit bizarre way to start a diss track, or any song, for that matter. But still, at least it's a word.

9
Remember When Jay Z Shit On The Institution Of Marriage?

YouTube

The Lyrics:

"Me give my heart to a woman? Not for nothin', never happen I'll be forever mackin'"

The Problem:

I don't think a rapper has gone back on a promise this hard on record since Dr. Dre swore he'd never smoke weed on "Express Yourself" by N.W.A. Time proved that Jay Z very much would give his heart to a woman. Maybe he'd cheat on that woman someday. Maybe she'd record an entire album about it, threatening to leave him for all the world to hear. Maybe he'd release it as an exclusive on the streaming music service he owns. Maybe Jay Z was wrong. "Big Pimpin'" was still a pretty great song, though.

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8
Pitbull Thinks You Still Carry a Camera

YouTube

The Lyrics:

"Me not working hard? Yeah, right. Picture that with a Kodak / and better yet, go to Times Square, take a picture of me with a Kodak"

The Problem:

Okay. For starters, as a rapper, you don't get to brag about working hard in the same verse in which you rhyme "Kodak" with "Kodak." That's laziness of the highest order. Also, nobody carries a camera anymore. Is Kodak making phones now? If not, this line makes no damn sense.

7
Wait ... So Then Where Is Lil Wayne's Head?

YouTube

The Lyrics:

"Fuck Pusha T and anybody that love him / His head up his ass, I'mma have to headbutt him"

The Problem:

Before we get into the questions and problems portion of this entry, let's take a moment to acknowledge that as far as opening lines of diss songs go, "Fuck Pusha T and anybody that love him" is about as perfect as it gets. Unfortunately, things take a turn for the worse almost immediately after that deceptively strong start. The issue lies in Wayne's insistence that his rival's head is so far up his own ass that the only reasonable next step is to headbutt him. I'm no professional wrestler, but wouldn't a move like that require that Lil Wayne's head also be inside the aforementioned ass? What makes this taunt an especially poor choice is that a lot of the beef between these two centers around the idea that Lil Wayne ripped off his style from Pusha T and The Clipse. Their single "Mr. Me Too" is thought to be a reference to this belief. So was Wayne's head already up there when Pusha T decided to join him?

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6
Busta Rhymes Lives A Horror Movie, Considers It A Win

YouTube

The Lyrics:

"Rock to the beat and then, turn into a walrus / You remain nameless, my victory remains flawless."

The Problem:

Is that "turn into a walrus" part permanent? If so, I think you'll have a tough time convincing anyone that this situation merits being described as a victory. Maybe if you were a huge pile of trash before and then magically transformed into a walrus, we could talk improvement, but going from Busta Rhymes to one of the sea's most immobile creatures strikes me as a huge step down. There's actually a horror movie with this exact premise. It's called Tusk, and it's completely fucking stupid, but that doesn't change the fact that most normal people consider the prospect of turning into a walrus to be a full-fledged nightmare.

5
Future Is Apparently Bulletproof

YouTube

The Lyrics:

"You the one who ducking from a drive-by."

The Problem:

What the hell else is one supposed to do during a drive-by? You certainly don't run toward it. We're not talking about a deer crossing the highway. A sudden move in one direction or another is precisely what a situation like a drive-by shooting commands. There are a lot of things in this world that we make fun of people for. Sharp survival instincts aren't usually among them.

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4
Noreaga Paints Himself Into A Corner

YouTube

The Lyrics:

"You like 37, let's give it up man."

The Problem:

To give you some background, this line is taken from a diss track Noreaga wrote about his former music business mentor, a rapper named Tragedy Khadafi. There was somewhat of an age difference between the two, so what's happening here is the younger half of the quarrel telling the older half that, at the age of 37, it's time to think about giving up on trying to be a rapper.

Well, fast-forward a decade or so later, and guess who's 38 and still rapping? Even better, his most recent album has a title perfectly befitting a dude who thinks a person should be done having fun by their late 30s.


Fine, maybe some people should quit rapping in their 30s.

This elderly piece of shit also has a podcast called Drunk Uncle. I wonder if his grandchildren upload it for him on the iPad he's constantly asking them to help him use.

3
Cam'Ron Implies He's A Pedophile

YouTube

The Lyrics:

"Take your daughter, R. Kelly, have my way with her face."

The Problem:

This line was said in reference to the daughter of rival rapper Nas. Gross, dude. Just gross. There are low blows, and then there's vowing to piss in a child's face for sexual pleasure. Can you imagine the backlash and protests a line like this would've caused had it been said by someone who still has a career? At least we dodged a bullet in that respect.

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2
2 Chainz Takes His Slang Too Far

YouTube

The Lyrics:

"Shawty got some real good P'nuss / If that shit stink, then she need to di'nush"

The Problem:

Listen, it's not that I don't understand what 2 Chainz was trying to do here. Throughout this entire song, he does that thing where you insert an extra sound or word into the middle of otherwise normal words. Like how all the soccer moms in your life still say "shizit." Or, for a more relevant example, this song is called "Crack," but at various points he says "crinack" instead.

Well, what you see above is simply another example of that -- the only difference being that in this case, he's trying to say the word "puss" in a way that will never, ever ever sound like anything other than "penis." Go ahead, give it a listen. Slow it down, speed it up, chop it, screw it, do whatever you need. I promise you will never hear him say anything other than "penis," which just makes the whole followup about douche even more weird.

1
Fred Durst Briefly Forgets Who He Is

YouTube

The Lyrics:

"So you better get some better beats and, uh, better rhymes."

The Problem:

Unless Fred Durst wrote this while staring at his own reflection in a mirror and sobbing, these words have no business ever coming out of his mouth. I've never written a rhyme in my life, and I promise I write better rhymes than Fred Durst. You write better rhymes than Fred Durst. Everyone writes better rhymes than Fred Durst. That's just how it works. His defining characteristic is that we all know he sucks at everything. We let him poke his head back into pop culture every five years just to remind ourselves that no matter how bad things have gotten, at least we still aren't Fred Durst. I'd rather be Robert Durst than Fred Durst. I'd trust Suge Knight to tell me how to avoid getting shot before I'd listen to Fred Durst give one single piece of advice on how to write better rhymes. I could go on, but you probably get the idea by now.

Adam spits rhymes exclusively on Twitter, follow him there @adamtodbrown. You should also come see him tell jokes live and in person in Chicago on June 25th at North Bar in Wicker Park. Get tickets here!

Which Sci-Fi Trope Would You Bring To The Real World, And Why? Every summer, we're treated to the same buffet of three or four science fiction movies with the same basic conceits. There's man vs. aliens, man vs. robots, man vs. army of clones, and man vs. complicated time travel rules. With virtual reality and self-driving cars fast approaching, it's time to consider what type of sci-fi movie we want to be living in for the rest of our lives. Co-hosts Jack O'Brien and Adam Tod Brown are joined by Cracked's Tom Reimann and Josh Sargent and comedians David Huntsberger, Adam Newman, and Caitlin Gill to figure out which sci-fi trope would be the best to make a reality. Get your tickets to this live podcast here!

You'll continue to be confused by these artists when you read The 15 Most Baffling Boasts in the History of Rap, and check out when Ice-T inadvertently admitted to dating a man in 14 More of the Most Unintentionally Gay Rap Lyrics Ever.

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