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The 15 Most Insane Content Warnings About Famous Movies

#7. The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie

Paramount Pictures

According to the IMDb Parents Guide, The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie is a journey into human madness:

SpongeBob brushes Squidward's back in a shower.

Patrick with no pants carries a flag with the stick between his bare buttocks.

If you remove the characters' names from those two sentences, they could easily be talking about Born on the Fourth of July.

Animated fish surround and attack Cyclops.

We see David Hasselhoff bare-chested, non-animated while wearing swim trunks. At one point he "flexes" his pectorals and they became unnaturally enlarged and mechanical-looking.

"DAVID HASSELHOFF ATTEMPTS TO MASQUERADE AS A ROBOT BUT HE IS NOT A ROBOT. HE WOULD HAVE YOU DENY THE TRUTH OF THIS."

Paramount Pictures
Pictured: "flexing."

SpongeBob and Patrick are shot underwater by a man's very strong pectorals (please see Sex/Nudity for more information).

"I know it sounds crazy, but there's no time to explain. Refer back to section one of this treatise of lunacy to solve the mystery of that sentence."

Female fish wear bikini tops. Bare abdomens are shown.

That's like a riddle you'd find stapled to a dead body.

#6. Short Circuit

TriStar Pictures

I can barely find the strength to comment on this hit parade:

We see the robots mixing a gin and tonic in the first few minutes of the movie.

There are a number of laser beams fired from the robots which destroy vehicles.

TriStar Pictures

In the opening scene, the viewer is led to believe the robots are destroying vehicles with actual people in them. We soon find out they were only mannequins and the whole thing was only a demonstration.

Number 5 shoots the belt buckle off of Stephanie's ex-boyfriend and his jeans drop exposing his boxers.

Jesus' name is called out a few times.

Apparently Short Circuit is about drunken robots blowing up cars full of mannequins and using their sophisticated laser technology to rape adult men. They may or may not attend an evangelical church.

TriStar Pictures
This photograph makes it difficult to dismiss any one of those assumptions.

Ben, a stereotypical "foreign" character with a loose grasp on English words, phrases, and social protocols, mentions that he is sporting a "tremendous woody" during a scene where Newton is describing a meeting with Stephanie.

I suspect Ben might be responsible for a few of these Parents Guides.

#5. Space Jam

Warner Bros.

A cartoon has his pants pulled down and we see cartoon buttocks.

"I CAN NO LONGER TRUST THESE FILMS WITH THE SPINNING OF MY GONADAL COGS. MY ROBOT PENIS WILL SELF-DESTRUCT IN FIVE SECONDS."

#4. Batman: Mask of the Phantasm

Warner Bros.

Batman ambushes a group of thugs by crashing through a window, a breach of standards of practices for animation at the time.

Because a history of the policies governing animated feature production is going to be the final deciding factor in whether a parent rips Mask of the Phantasm out of the VCR and casts it through the living room window into a waiting bonfire of Dungeons & Dragons books and GWAR CDs.

A person becomes a murder victim when a statue is deliberately pushed above him.

Batman steps on a defeated thug, implying the protagonist uses excessive force.

Bruce Wayne is struck by a baseball bat.

"HUMANS ARE REPEATEDLY VIOLENCED. FEAR IS AN APPROPRIATE RESPONSE."

#3. Jurassic Park

Universal Pictures/Amblin Entertainment

A T-Rex attacks children, they are all right, though.

"I BREATHE A SIGH OF ROBOT RELIEF. THE CHILDREN ARE UNHARMED."

#2. Back to the Future

Universal Pictures/Amblin Entertainment

The Parents Guide for Back to the Future was evidently written by one of the characters from the film (specifically from the part that takes place during the Eisenhower administration):

The members of the band playing at the dance are seen smoking outside of the high school and it's implied they're smoking "reefers."

A "XXX" cinema is seen in the background of a small town twice.

That's right -- twice.

A van crashes into a small structure with people in it. We don't know if they had died.

The fate of the Libyan terrorists has long weighed on our minds. Even as we delight in the time-hopping adventures of Marty and Doc, IMDb Parents Guide will not allow us to ignore our conscience.

Universal Pictures/Amblin Entertainment
"Never mind me, Marty! Go check on the terrorists!"

#1. The Wolf of Wall Street

Paramount Pictures

If IMDb Parents Guides were the Olympics, The Wolf of Wall Street would win every event, because it would be the only country allowed to compete. It's like an insane robot trying to write an episode of Red Shoe Diaries.

A man is shown lying nude on his stomach while a woman straddles his bare buttocks and places a burning candle in his anus; the woman then drips hot wax on his back and he yells. His buttocks are seen.

I like that we have to describe exactly how much of the buttock is visible during the anal candle scene, as if there is some specific exposed-buttcheek-to-asshole-candle ratio that would decide whether this sequence is appropriate for children.

Paramount Pictures
"TOO MUCH."

Several fully nude women are seen on a boat (bare breasts, buttocks, and shaved/unshaved pubic regions are visible).

A man snorts cocaine out of a woman's anus and smacks her bare buttocks; we see the woman's buttocks.

A woman walks in on a gay orgy and witnesses many men having sex in various positions; thrusting, bare chests, abdomens, bare buttocks, and legs are seen. (Two men's genitals are briefly seen from a distance.)

If you took one of Kevin Spacey's journals from Se7en and managed to decode its feverishly scribbled spider language, it would look exactly like the IMDb Parents Guide for The Wolf of Wall Street. Whoever wrote this had to pause each scene and rewind it several times to get all the details right, like they were playing nudity bingo.

Paramount Pictures
"I win!"

A man and a woman have sex; we see him thrusting on top of her, with her bare breasts, vagina, and buttocks visible, while his bare buttocks, back, and legs are seen.

His legs are seen.

We hear that a seagull flew into the engine of a plane and we see the plane explode midair.

A very intoxicated man flies a helicopter and nearly crashes it in his backyard.

Two men smoke crack and behave erratically.

Evidently at some point The Wolf of Wall Street becomes a crossover episode of The A-Team and Miami Vice.

Paramount Pictures
Probably right around this scene.

Read Tom's novel Stitches and follow him on Twitter and Tumblr, where only 40 percent of his buttocks is visible at any given time.

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