The 14 Worst Boobs in the History of Video Games

#5+6. Lara Croft (Tomb Raider Series)

Eidos Interactive

You knew Lara's rack would be here, which I think says more about everybody involved than any of us would care to admit. Lara's center of gravity went up like a Saturn V booster when a programmer missed a decimal place while altering the character model, inflating her breasts to 150 percent, and before he could fix it, a producer shouted "You've just made this game a best-seller!" Since then, Eidos has put more technology into artificially generating realistic flesh than Skynet, and has targeted more teenage boys with the results. So you might've forgotten how terrible those early breasts were.

Eidos Interactive
Second base could cut your hands off.

That's all it took to get men to spend $50 and sit obediently for hours? Holy crap. I apologize, female stand-up comedians, you were right about everything. I've seen more erotic Rubik's Cubes, which at least don't make you look like an idiot pervert when you spend hours struggling and sweating over them.

Eidos Interactive
On the upside, she can iron clothes by wearing them.

Despite this, Lara has gained a reputation as a strong female character. And like any evil corporation faced with a computer program exceeding its programming, Square Enix is desperately trying to stop it. They recently reconfirmed their view of Lara as a breast-transport service with a trailer at E3 themed "Lara's defining moment is men wanting to have sex with her." Because in a medium full of invincibility stars, magic crystals, sacred destinies and missions to rescue the president, the only way to give a girl motivation is sexual assault. A woman hasn't been so tragically disempowered since that time EVE turned off in WALL-E.

#3+4. Illegal Breasts (The Guy Game)

Top Heavy Studios

The Guy Game achieved the impossible by having terrible video game breasts despite using real breasts. They combined games and tits like a rioter combining gasoline and fire: two wonderful things ruining each other (and everything else) very illegally. The only rule for filming naked women is "Make sure they're over 18," but that was one rule and 18 numbers more than the producers could deal with.

Top Heavy Studios
Which is weird, because that looks like a man with encyclopedic knowledge of current age-of-consent laws.

Top Heavy Studios was the studio's name, mission statement and most complex thought ever managed. Their one and only game was the first time "trivia" was something to be endured. Middle-aged men read jokes like horny Christmas crackers while spring break students proved that the education system has serious problems. If the girl answers the guy's questions correctly, she gets away without taking her clothes off, which is the exact opposite of how I remember college dating. If you predict the answer, you get to not see breasts. The game censors itself until you score enough points, proving it can't even get showing stupid softcore porn of stupid people right. You had to pay $50 and pay attention for hours before seeing tits. Even the real world doesn't require both.

#1+2. Ivy (Soul Calibur)


Ivy's existence proves that the Soul Calibur team either doesn't understand irony or is its eternal master. She charges into sword fights despite being 50 percent airbag. Her chest technically makes Soul Calibur steampunk, because they love zeppelins and other fictional things that would never work in the real world. She wore less clothing with every game up until Soul Calibur IV, which is impressive, because a strip club would have told her first incarnation to leave something to the imagination. Her whip used more material than her fourth costume.

That strip of cloth is restraining more impossibly imaginary things than the Ecto-Containment unit.

She finally added clothes in Soul Calibur V. But only because taking more off would have required a scalpel and a medical fetish, and because they'd already used every square foot of her flesh in the game's advertisements.

"It's a great game" is the new "I read it for the articles."

They targeted mammaries for profit more explicitly than the dairy industry, and without the health benefits. In their attitude toward women, the fighting game community now ranks somewhere between the Dark Ages and the Dark Ages during a Viking attack. Which is weird, because now that we can simulate physical combat, traveling the world and entire virtual playgrounds, it seems weird that "treat other people like expendable playthings made only for our amusement" is the one thing assholes want to keep doing for real.

Luke McKinney also tumbles and has a website, and has made a bet to respond to every single tweet about this article.

For more breast-based hilarity, check out The 5 Most Ridiculously Sexist Superhero Costumes. Or how Japanese Bikini Samurai Squad Zombie Hunters can be a bad thing.

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