Login or Register

Sign in with Facebook
Men in suits are the most excited they've ever been ...

- ... because the big merger went through.

- ... because they're wearing abnormally comfortable suits.

- ... because the big merger fell through.

- ... because they just remembered about jumping and happen to be wearing suits.

I am pouring the fuck out of this milk ...

- ... because I am hovering 10 feet above the glass and can only aim and pour from 10 feet above the glass.

- ... because fuck you that's how I pour my milk.

- ... because I just never learned the correct way to pour milk, I guess ...

- ... because I am Andrew WK.

You just woke up your wife in the kitchen and boy are you gonna get it ...

- ... because your wife bakes while sleeping and also she's terrible.

- ... because no other reason.

This piece of mail is unprecedented and devastating ...

- ... because there's a death in the family.

- ... because there's a death in the future, and it's my death.

- ... because my spouse is leaving me for another piece of mail.

- ... because there's a death in the Wham!ily, which is my Wham! fan club.

- ... because I never get mail and even though I'm enjoying this current mail, its very existence reminds me of how I rarely get mail. Bum-mer.

It is practically too much fun almost biting pizza ...

- ... because I'm teasing someone who can't eat pizza, and teasing is super fun haha fuck that person who can't eat pizza.

- ... because I'm at a birthday party and we're playing Don't Bite The Pizza and I hate that game but I don't want to be rude at the party, so sure, I'll smile and not bite this pizza but ugh this party sucks.

- ... because I know that in less than a second, I will be biting pizza.

Studying on the floor frustrates me to the point of visually expressing my frustration ...

- ... because I quickly realized that I don't have to study on the floor and I hate it when I'm wrong about stuff.

- ... because someone is making me study on the floor.

- ... because I forgot that I have 12 tests tomorrow but none of them are about studying on the floor.

- ... because I just read a scary fact about floors.

7 through 12 below (underneath whatever ad happens to show up below)...

Women just cannot get enough of putting kiwi slices on their eyes ...

- ... because they're at a bad spa but don't know it.

- ... because LSD.

If we don't feed each other, how will I recognize you as a person I know?

- Because you know my name and we talk all the time, friend. Please stop feeding me.

- Because we're married.

- Because we're related, somehow, also please stop feeding me.

- Because a lot of other things.

Feeling sick enough to go to the hospital is just the tops ...

- ... because I'm faking it. Free bed! :)

Families in mostly pastels are thrilled, but not enough to look at each other ...

- ... because they're all blind, so it doesn't matter where they look.

- ... because they make each other wear mostly pastels all the time and no one in the family actually likes wearing pastels, but they just all agreed to it because it seemed like a thing families would do. Now they all hate each other, so not looking at one another makes them smile.

- ... because they are actually a single set of weirdly-aged conjoined siblings, so they just tend to look forward all the time, while wearing mostly pastels.

- ... because there's a camera in front of them, taking a picture of them. The pastels are just a coincidence.

Scientists have trouble thinking of a way to remove hands from faces ...

- ... because thinking is hard.

- ... because their parents had trouble thinking of a way to remove hands from faces, and their parents had trouble thinking of a way to remove hands from faces, and so on and so on until before glue was a thing.

Trust me, these babies are going to be delicious ...

- ... because trust me.

For more from Cody, check out 14 Prequels Even Hollywood Wouldn't Make and 11 Fall TV Show Reviews Based Solely On Promotional Photos.

Find Cody on Tumblr and Twitter and Facebook for stuff. Find him on fake Tumblr and fake Twitter and fake Facebook for other stuff.

To turn on reply notifications, click here


Load Comments