Rappers love to brag about all the fun stuff they get to do and all the cool people they get to meet. And why wouldn't they? I'm sure having hoes in every area code is way more awesome than having a mortgage on a three-bedroom home in the suburbs or whatever other mundane achievement normal people strive for.
But sometimes, those boasts stray into territory that seems anything but impressive. And that's good, because I've literally made a career out of making fun of them for it. Why do I keep going back to this same well over and over? Because it never runs dry, that's why.
In today's episode, we'll be taking a look at a few rappers who took their boasting to new heights by shouting out some of the dorkiest things imaginable. Things that not even the commonest of commoners would ever be excited about.
Here are 12 of the lamest boasts in recent hip-hop history...
12 Drake - "Headlines"
"Tuck my napkin in my shirt cuz I'm just mobbin like that"
Why It's Lame
Look, I'm not even 100% sure what "mobbin" means, but I've heard rappers use that word hundreds of times. There is no way in hell that they're referring to tucking a napkin in your shirt like a 6-year-old eating chicken noodle soup at the dinner table.
"I'm from the streets bitch!"
Ice Cube has an entire song called "Steady Mobbin" and if there even is a mention of a napkin in the lyrics, which I'm sure there's not, it would likely be referring to the one he used to clean up all the jizz after nailing some hoodrat in the back of an Impala.
Tell me about the drugs you've sold or the people you've shot or all the money you made before you were old enough to legally drink and then I'll accept your "mobbin" boasts, Drake. Until then, what you consider "mobbin" is really just "being a pretentious dick at dinner." You might as well be boasting about all those years you spent playing the wheelchair bound kid on DeGrassi High.
11 Young Jeezy - "Black Dreams"
"Holla at ya boy, yeah I can do alot for ya, Speakin my language if you talkin bout tilapia"
Why It's Lame
Tilapia? Your language is that relatively cheap fish you can buy in bags from the frozen section of damn near every grocery store on earth? That's your language?
He's also fluent in salmon.
To Jeezy's credit, and I can't believe I just referred to a grown man as "Jeezy", I did run a quick Urban Dictionary search for "tilapia" and have determined that he's referring to one of four things:
3. Filipino vagina
4. A person who smells
He's probably talking about cocaine, but I'm holding out at least some hope that he's talking about Filipino vagina, because I love specifics.