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The 12 Least Impressive Boasts in Rap Lyrics

#6. Jay-Z - "Otis"

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The Lyric

"New watch alert, Hublot!"

Why It's Lame

I get it, Jay-Z, you're rich. But is this the kind of rich dude you are? The kind who buys a new watch and then bursts into a room full of friends and yells out "New watch alert!" like those Sex and the City chicks?

Valley Girl Blog
"New penis alert!"

Nobody likes that guy. One, because he's the kind of guy who throws his wealth in everyone's face. Two, because if you fail to respond to his "new watch alert" in a timely and enthusiastic enough fashion, he's going to sulk in the corner getting hammered on Appletinis and daydreaming about the catty comments his friends make about him when he's not around.

That said, Hublot does make some pretty nice watches. I'd probably be excited too if I could afford one.

#5. Nelly - "Ride With Me"

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The Lyric

"I'll be on the next flight, payin cash first class sittin next to Vanna White"

Why It's Lame

Come on, man. Was "Vanna White" really the only celebrity name you could think of that rhymes there? Wasn't Walter Cronkite still alive when this song came out? That guy was the shit! But sitting next to Vanna White hasn't been something to be excited about since she was maybe in her early-40's, and that was like in 1984 or something. Vanna White is 106 years old and flips letters on a game show board for a living.

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"So I was like 'so long, acting dreams' I'm joining up with Sajak!"

Nobody is excited about meeting her anymore, Nelly. Well, maybe that Midwestern soccer mom demographic you were so clearly catering to when you did that horrific song with Tim McGraw a few years ago would be excited about meeting Vanna White. But that's it.

#4. 50 Cent - "High All the Time"

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The Lyric

"Stash box, Xbox, laptop, fax machine, phone"

Why It's Lame

This list of accessories and gadgets, in the context of the song, referred to all of the bells and whistles one could expect to find in a car owned by 50 Cent. Does anything on that list seem like maybe it's not as impressive as the others?

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"Does this outdated office equipment make me look hardcore?"

Right, the fax machine. Those things have been selling for like seven dollars at Staples for years now. And if you have a laptop and a phone, why do you even need a fax machine? Scan and email your documents like an adult.

Even if there was some kind of mythical status that came with being the dude who has a fax machine in your car, the fact remains, bragging about owning a fax machine is quite possibly the lamest boast this side of big-upping your scientific calculator.

#3. Will Smith - "Gettin Jiggy Wit It"

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The Lyric

"Ciga-cigar right from Cuba-Cuba, I just bite it, It's for the look I don't light it"

Why It's Lame

Lame. Just so fucking lame. For one thing, this is a Cuban cigar we're talking about. You can't even buy those in the United States, and this guy is smuggling them in just to fucking chew on them? What an asshole. That's like smoking a bag of Afghani Kush (that's weed, people) without inhaling it just because you like how cool you look when people think you're getting high. You do realize Cuban cigars don't look any different than other cigars, right? Save the money and potential legal problems and just chew on a Macanudo or something, dummy.

HalfWheel
Macanudo...Jamaican for cigar. Cigar...Jamaican for "another place to put weed."

But honestly, why are you chewing on a cigar anyway? If your oral fixation is so severe that you need to have something in your mouth at all times, might I suggest using ... a toothpick? (Raise your hand if you thought I was going to say "cock".) Walking around the club with an unlit cigar in your mouth is just going to confuse the shit out of people. Are you really biting it? Because that implies that it's going to get shorter and shorter as the night progresses, until finally the entire club is gawking at the dude walking around with the unlit nub of a cigar in his mouth. Buy some Nicorette already, you weirdo tobacco fiend.

#2. KRS-One - "You Don't Really Want It"

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The Lyric

"I spit tighter, I'm not like all the rest, I'm not a playa but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express"

Why It's Lame

Even if this song was recorded, literally, the day after those stupid Holiday Inn Express commercials debuted, this still qualifies as one of the lamest punchlines in the history of rap music. Even referencing those "Wazzzzzzzuuuuupppppp" commercials would have been better than this. To his credit, at least he didn't shout out the Geico Gecko.

InfinityDish

And to make matters worse, this is coming from KRS-One. He's supposed to be one of the good guys who don't pull stunts like this. He's a real MC. Or at least that's what he would have us believe. But when you've reached the point where tossing out a reference to Holiday Inn Express seems like a cool idea that all the kids will identify with (his words, not mine, probably), it's time to just stop rapping altogether.

#1. Kanye West - "Flashing Lights"

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The Lyric

"I get a call like where are you Yeezy, Try to hit you with a 'Oeur de Whopee'"

Why It's Lame

Motherfucker did you just say whoopee? Who are you, Bob Eubanks? Whoopee? You're referring to sex as "whoopee?" This makes your Colplay shout-out seem downright rebellious.

YouTube
"If I'm so lame, how do you explain this hair?"

Look, if things get so desperate with a particular lyric that your only means of salvaging it is throwing in a slang term for sex that nobody under the age of 90 uses anymore, just throw the entire song out. It's a clear sign that you're supposed to be working on something else. Like maybe finding a comfortable spot on your davenport to write a song about doing the Charleston.

Seriously, this is the lamest whoopeeing lyric I've ever heard.


Adam hosts a podcast called Unpopular Opinion that you should check out right here. Be his friend on Twitter, Facebook and Tumblr.


For more of Adam's rapping chops, check out The 15 Most Baffling Boasts in the History of Rap and Why Eminem Needs to Find Something New to Rap About.

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