Rappers love to brag about all the fun stuff they get to do and all the cool people they get to meet. And why wouldn't they? I'm sure having hoes in every area code is way more awesome than having a mortgage on a three-bedroom home in the suburbs or whatever other mundane achievement normal people strive for.
But sometimes, those boasts stray into territory that seems anything but impressive. And that's good, because I've literally made a career out of making fun of them for it. Why do I keep going back to this same well over and over? Because it never runs dry, that's why.
In today's episode, we'll be taking a look at a few rappers who took their boasting to new heights by shouting out some of the dorkiest things imaginable. Things that not even the commonest of commoners would ever be excited about.
Here are 12 of the lamest boasts in recent hip-hop history...
#12. Drake - "Headlines"
"Tuck my napkin in my shirt cuz I'm just mobbin like that"
Why It's Lame
Look, I'm not even 100% sure what "mobbin" means, but I've heard rappers use that word hundreds of times. There is no way in hell that they're referring to tucking a napkin in your shirt like a 6-year-old eating chicken noodle soup at the dinner table.
"I'm from the streets bitch!"
Ice Cube has an entire song called "Steady Mobbin" and if there even is a mention of a napkin in the lyrics, which I'm sure there's not, it would likely be referring to the one he used to clean up all the jizz after nailing some hoodrat in the back of an Impala.
Tell me about the drugs you've sold or the people you've shot or all the money you made before you were old enough to legally drink and then I'll accept your "mobbin" boasts, Drake. Until then, what you consider "mobbin" is really just "being a pretentious dick at dinner." You might as well be boasting about all those years you spent playing the wheelchair bound kid on DeGrassi High.
#11. Young Jeezy - "Black Dreams"
"Holla at ya boy, yeah I can do alot for ya, Speakin my language if you talkin bout tilapia"
Why It's Lame
Tilapia? Your language is that relatively cheap fish you can buy in bags from the frozen section of damn near every grocery store on earth? That's your language?
He's also fluent in salmon.
To Jeezy's credit, and I can't believe I just referred to a grown man as "Jeezy", I did run a quick Urban Dictionary search for "tilapia" and have determined that he's referring to one of four things:
3. Filipino vagina
4. A person who smells
He's probably talking about cocaine, but I'm holding out at least some hope that he's talking about Filipino vagina, because I love specifics.
#10. Lil Wayne - "3 Peat"
"I just do this shit for my click like Adam Sandler"
Why It's Lame
Yes, I get it, this is clever. Because, see, Click was the name of an Adam Sandler movie, right? But also, Adam Sandler has a long track record of casting his close friends in all of his films. Close friends who would probably be unemployed otherwise. And close friends could also be referred to as a "clique." So Adam Sandler's movie career is all to help his friends out, and Lil' Wayne is similarly charitable with his less talented friends.
So, clever, yes. But think about the implications here. Basically, Lil' Wayne is saying he's the Adam Sandler of rap. By extension, this would make Drake the Kevin James of rap and Nicki Minaj the Rob Schneider of rap. And all of the other anonymous members of his clique are just that dude with the bushy eyebrows who shows up in every Sandler movie despite not even having a name.
Who the fuck are you?
Is this really what you're aspiring to be, Lil' Wayne? Wouldn't you rather be the Judd Apatow of rap or something? Have some standards, man.
#9. Timbaland - "All Y'all"
"Live life to the fullest, drive cars, eat hot food, live in a mansion next to Hanson"
Why It's Lame
Man, talk about a roller coaster ride of a boast. When you hear "live life to the fullest" you're like "Yeah, man, that's how I want to live my life." But then you get to "drive cars, eat hot food" and you're all "Shit, you mean I'm already living life to the fullest? That's disappointing."
But things quickly take a turn for the better with "live in a mansion" and you're thinking "Right, we're back on track now. Hot food in a mansion. That's the best food, Timbaland, the best!" And then it all comes crashing down when you find out that mansion is "next to Hanson" and you decide you'd rather keep your day job than move in next to a band of shitty one-hit wonders.
And why in the hell would the members of Hanson not have their own homes? Weren't those dudes all damn near in their 30's by the time this song came out? And before anyone asks, no, I can't Google that information, because I don't care.
#8. Kanye West - "Big Brother"
"I told Jay I did a song with Coldplay"
Why It's Lame
Motherfucker did you just say Coldplay? You did a song with Coldplay and you're bragging about it to people? You're a rapper, for the love of God. Doing a song with Coldplay isn't the kind of thing you boast about, it's the kind of thing you blame your record label for making you do because they felt the rest of the songs on your album weren't commercial enough.
"Trust us on this one. We wouldn't have our arms crossed if we didn't understand rap music."
Don't get me wrong, Coldplay is a great band provided you've never heard of Radiohead and you have no personality. But, as a rapper, you just can't go bragging about recording songs with Coldplay. Why not just say "I did a song with a band that I hope will make more white people like me?" That's way more honest.
#7. Warren G - "I Want It All"
"I want it all, brand new socks and drawers"
Why It's Lame
Man, how sad is this? In the middle of a song chock full of shout-outs to the finer things in life, Warren G throws "news socks and drawers" in the mix. The implications here are staggeringly depressing. Almost as depressing as his stint on VH1's Celebrity Fit Club
Above: Rock Bottom
Has Warren G seriously never had a pair of new socks and underwear up to this point in his life? Or did he squander the money he made from that "Regulators" song so severely that he never managed to work his way up from a life of wearing second hand tighty-whities? Has he actually been buying that used underwear at a thrift store or just, like, getting them from Snoop Dogg when he was done with them?
Whatever the answers to those questions may be, never having new socks and drawers is some Sarah McLachlan abused pet commercial level sadness. If someone can confirm that Warren G did finally get the mint condition undergarments he's always dreamed of, I'd sleep a whole lot better tonight. Thanks.