Cracked Columnists

The 12 Best Valentine's Day Gifts for True Nerds

#6. Game of Thrones "Wildfire" Necklace

Via Flavorwire.com

A vial of wildfire from Game of Thrones that glows in black light? And it's only $15? Hell yes. Kyra-lin's Etsy shop is full of awesome stuff like this, including my personal favorite, the standard video game potions:

Via Etsy.com

Imagine busting one of those bad boys out in the middle of a fistfight. It would totally be worth taking an ass-whipping. Not to stray from the Game of Thrones theme, though, you could always get your nerdy true love a life-size replica of Joffrey's throne. It's officially licensed by HBO, made of fiberglass ... and only $33,000.

#5. Star Projector

Via Infmetry.com

Space is the core of geekdom. If you can look up at a night sky or watch a space documentary without becoming awash in awe and wonder, you're probably not as much of a nerd as you think. For $22, you can relax under the cosmos while doing the other thing that geeks love so much: staying inside. Tell me it wouldn't be awesome to turn that on, get naked, and spend the night yelling, "We're space-fucking!" It's what Valentine's Day is all about.

#4. Dragon Mug

Via Google

Careful with this one. Giving someone a dragon mug is telling them that you believe they have the strength to wield such power. Not everyone can. Especially this badass, which is made out of stainless goddamn steel. I'd recommend sitting beside someone you don't like the first few times you use it, because once you take the last drink, your natural impulse will be to smash it over the nearest person's head and loot them of their spoils.

For only $10, you should have already placed your order by now. You'll only have yourself to blame if your true love walks into a dragon mug situation unarmed.

#3. Lord of the Rings ... Um ... Ring

Via Thinkgeek.com

Jewelry is always the go-to gift if you have the blood money to fling around. The way I see it, if you're going to get a ring, you might as well get the one that oppresses all the other ones. It's 18-karat gold-plated tungsten carbide, and it'll run you around $100, which isn't that bad, considering that the last person who had it paid for it with the lives of the innocent and shitloads of walking.

And if you wanted to go full-on geek and dare to cross your nerd genre streams, you could always gift wrap it in a companion cube box from Portal. Just make sure the recipient can handle that much awesome all at one time, though. You don't want to have to clean up their exploded remains on the year's most romantic day.

#2. Math Equation Watch

Via Amazon

Nothing, and I do mean nomotherfuckingthing, says "nerd" like math. It is the singularity in the black hole of nerdositude. The primordial soup in which the ... what I'm saying is that this is a watch with math equations where the normal numbers should be, and it is awesome. Especially for $40. Hell, I'd dare say that even people who aren't math nerds would like this just because it's different and quirky. If I didn't already wear a $1.5 million Rolex, I'd buy this for myself.

#1. Your Face Made of Chocolate

Via Metro.co.uk

So why is a chocolate face considered geeky? It's the technology behind it. A company called Choc Edge has developed a 3D printer that uses chocolate instead of ink ... and you don't have to be there for them to make it. That's what you'd expect, right? They'd have to construct some sort of mold for you to slam your big ol' floppy face down into? Nope, instead, it constructs a 3D model, using pictures that you send them, and after a bunch of crazy computer shit, they ship you one of the creepiest gifts you'll ever give to another human whom you don't hate. And then you just sit back and force them to eat your face, right in front of you. Probably while you masturbate.


John is an editor and columnist right here at Cracked, with a new article every Thursday. You can also find him on Twitter and Facebook.

Always on the go but can't get enough of Cracked? We have an Android app and iOS reader for you to pick from so you never miss another article.

Recommended For Your Pleasure

John Cheese

  • Rss

More by John Cheese:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here

520 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!