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The 12 Best Moments from Mexico's Least Subtle Monster Movie

Franquestain

"Franque Stain" sounds like a French-Canadian porn star but offers several advantages over the original Frankenstein's monster. First, he sounds like a French-Canadian porn star, which is way scarier. Second, he actually is called Franquestain, so he saves you from pedantic idiots with nothing better to do than point out that ACTUALLY they don't understand modern usage. Third: mustache.

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But since people with powerful mustaches don't die, this was the best they could find.

Franquestain isn't even "recovered" like the other monsters, he's just there when they're reanimated, as any competent mad scientist is assumed to have at least one Franquestain lying around.

El Ciclope

The only thing the filmmakers knew about Cyclopes was that they had one eye, which is why they spent 10 minutes papier-macheing one, then justified the huge investment by spending even longer focusing on their masterwork. No matter how much ass Santo is kicking, if El Ciclope is within 20 yards of the camera, it'll just stare at his moving, lighting eye as if Hypnotoad had arrived 50 years early.

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You've now seen 5 percent of the movie.

He spends the whole movie looking like he's waiting for Captain Kirk to show up and fights at about the same speed. To say he has no chance against luchadores is to say that William Shatner would be a bad rapper.

Wolfman

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I can't spend too long or any effort on the Wolfman or I won't be true to the movie. He's less a lycanthropic horror than a particularly unshaven hobo. He staggers like the dog half is constantly raising his leg to mark his territory while the man half remembers not to do that while wearing pants. He also just turns up in the cave, but instead of being built by the evil scientist, it's more likely he was just trying to find somewhere warm to sleep. It's the ultimate battle of men wearing masks, and honestly, the luchadores' look more realistic.

Los Monstruos Attack!

Cinematografica Sotomayor decided that plot was for people who didn't have Los Monstruos, or did have more than a weekend to finish filming. It's a nonstop series of Los Monstruos attack! followed by Los Monstruos run away! By the third battle, they don't even show the end of the fights -- it cuts straight from El Santo punching someone to them stumbling home. Which is exactly what your memory would do if Santo punched you.

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This is the "eject" button for the human memory.

At no point does Santo bother to track them -- being attacked by lunatics in costume is his actual job, and El Santo's righteous vengeance is such an established Mexican fact that the police never turn up. There's not even a scene of him telling them he'll deal with it, they just got the call, heard someone had a silver mask and took the day off. Los Monstruos realize that they just aren't monstrous enough, so they wait until Santo has been weakened by something even worse.

Musical Theater

The greatest horror in the movie has nothing to do with the evil scientist, or anyone else legally involved in the movie in any way. The musical number is the most blatantly stolen movie thing since the Ark of the Covenant, and it releases more mind-melting horror.

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The musical objectively fills five minutes, but subjectively feels approximately one thousand hours long. And even the owners couldn't complain about the theft, because that would be admitting that it's their fault in the first place. Santo was clearly told to stare at a blank wall and act interested, which is a better deal than those of us who can actually see the thing got.

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There is so much hate in good scientist's eyes, you'd swear that he'd actually seen it.

Santo gives a couple of desultory claps and is immediately beaten down by the Blue Demon. Never mind the plot of the movie, or how this proves that poor musical numbers are actual tough-guy kryptonite -- this is a service we need in the real world. Clapping at people who don't deserve it only encourages them to come back and inflict it again. Just be warned: The mental freeze-thaw of going from that appalling musical number to mid-restaurant lucha might shatter your mind.

There's another fight, and in the confusion of El Santo kicking everyone's asses and throwing the mummy both off a multistory building and into a car, the rest of Los Monstruos make off with the good scientist and his daughter.

Final Showdown

Los Monstruos have finally gotten Santo's attention, and it's the last mistake they'll ever make. He tracks them to the castle-cave by planting a tracking device on Franquestain's neckbolt and immediately starts kicking ass. He destroys Evil Blue Demon and frees regular Blue Demon, making the bad guys impossibly doomed, as they suddenly have a three-luchadores deficit in a movie with only two luchadores. From here, the ass-kicking goes from one-sided to being whipped with a Mobius strip.

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Santo suddenly has a giant morning star and knocks a guy's head clean off, while Blue Demon is on full "burn the evil science lab" duty. It's hard to make a guy with a spiked ball and chain versus the unarmed people look good, but in lucha, the luchadores could turn up to the final scene in a tank and it wouldn't be any more one-sided.

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El Santo is a masked hero beating up crime in all its forms. His movies are one part lunacy with two parts Batman, and Bruce Wayne is only one part Batman. Because his secret identity doesn't also wear a mask and kick ass for a living.

Luke enjoys awful movies with excellent drinks, as shown in The Man's Guide To Mixing. He also tumbles and has a website.

For more movie mayhem, check out Ireland's Only Kung Fu Movie (Is The Worst Film Ever Made) and Umbrella: The Most Wasteful Movie Corporation Ever.

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