Cracked Columnists

The 11 Most Disturbing Tourist Attractions Around the World

#5. Colonna Mediterranea -- Luqa, Malta

Via Timesofmalta.com

He. Hehehehehe. He he.

Via Digitaljournal.com
Hehehehehehehe.

If you were a tiny island nation that wanted to honor the sea surrounding it -- you know, the very element that can destroy you any moment it goddamn chooses to -- what kind of monument would you make? I'm asking out of genuine curiosity because, according to Malta, the correct answer is DICK DICK DICK A HUGE TATTOOED SMURF DICK WHERE EVERYONE CAN SEE IT! AHAHAHAHA!

The man behind Colonna Mediterranea insists the piece packs no phallic qualities and thinks the members of the community who keep seeing it as a giant dong are just looking for a bone to pick. Even so, this majestic shaft often rubs people the wrong way. Locals have been raging hard on the column ever since it was erected, and its existence remains a throbbing issue that is considered a massive pain in the ass by many a critic.

Penis.

#4. The Emancipation Memorial -- Washington, D.C.

Via Maryckhayes.wordpress.com

Abraham Lincoln was a man with many occasionally conflicting faces: president, hero, corporate lawyer, superpowered wild man. However, the one thing no one will ever call him is an oppressor of slaves.

Well, no one except the very statue that is supposed to portray him in his role as the Great Emancipator.

Via Wikipedia
"There, you're all free and whatever. Now emancipate some shine on my shoes."

Washington, D.C.'s Emancipation Memorial is decades older than the actual Lincoln Memorial. It was financed by a group of African-Americans who wanted to raise Lincoln a statue for windmill-punching slavery in the dick. However, in a particularly bullshit example of irony, the project ended up being supervised by a bunch of wealthy white men who took to the task with all the racial sensibility 1870 could muster. In an effort to save money, they ended up telling the sculptor to just combine a random Lincoln statue with a random slave statue, thus accidentally creating the unfortunate domination effect of the finished product.

#3. The Charles La Trobe Monument -- Melbourne, Australia

Via Sinbadesign.com

Here's one you may have seen floating around the Internet, usually right above a dozen comments screaming "Photoshopped!" It's a statue of Charles La Trobe, a man who is to Melbourne what George Washington is to America, located in front of the university bearing the dude's own name. The sculptor explains that it embodies "the notion that universities turn ideas on their heads."

#2. The George Vierheller Memorial Statue -- St. Louis, Missouri

Via College Humor

There really is no way to introduce this one in a way that is a) humorous and b) not going to get my May Walk in Public Without Supervision card confiscated. So let's all just acknowledge the fact that I had to image search this and shudder at the thought of all the keywords I had to use.

It's a statue of George "Mr. Zoo" Vierheller, the man who built the St. Louis Zoo virtually from scratch. The sculptor, uh, didn't quite understand the "animal lover" aspect of the man.

#1. Ehekarussell -- Nuremberg, Germany

Via Panoramio.com

16th century poet Hans Sachs once wrote an honest piece on the various aspects of marriage called "The Bittersweet Married Life." In 1984, a dude called Jurgen Weber revealed the fountain called Ehekarussell ("The Marriage Carousel"), a work inspired by this poem.

He might have gotten a little carried away.

Via Wikimedia Commons

When you look at the whole piece, you can sort of tell there's something slightly off about the fountain, but it still seems pretty unassuming for a #1 entry on a Cracked list. Let's look a little closer:

Via Wikimedia Commons
Also inspired by Sam Kinison.

What the shit? Are those prank figures some other artist sneaked in after the fountain was finished? Or was something lost in translation, and "marriage" actually meant "zombie smackdown" in 16th century Germany? Let's investigate further:

Via Wikimedia Commons

Fuck! That's actually worse. I'm not married myself, but I imagine the process does not include too many decomposing goat carcasses, unless of course you're doing it the way Nyarlathotep intended, with some good old-fashioned wife slavery:

Via Tourismus.nuerenberg.de

OK, sculptor guy, we get it. It was not a nice divorce.


Special thanks to Jukka K. for his suggestions in this article. Follow Pauli Poisuo on Twitter.

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