I love ice cream. It’s the only dessert that when I eat it, it somehow gets into my stomach and pushes all the other food out of the way to make room for more. I’m convinced that if I were ever in a sitcom-style situation in which I were trapped in an ice cream warehouse, the paramedics would find me dead in the morning, stomach ripped open like the fat guy in 7, face down in a puddle of pralines and cream.
Thus it is with great sadness that I report to you the death of one Irvine Robbins, without whom we’d have to choose from a measly 15.5 flavors at our local Baskin.
Oh well; making it to 90 is quite a feat for a guy who spent his life constantly surrounded by cookie dough.
And in the interest of honoring the man, I think it’d be a good time to point out how crucial his life really was. Without people like Irvine, there’d be no filter between the vast uncharted territory of ice cream flavors and those 31 gleaming tubs in the ice cream parlor. There would be no one to delineate what is delicious and what is sacrilege.
And lest you think such delineation is unnecessary, I’d like to direct your attention to:
First of all, it actually burns your sinuses, like eating wasabi. Whatever points that earns for accuracy, it immediately loses for unpleasantness, which is the same reason jelly belly samplers always have jalapenos left over. And surprisingly, this flavor is from Cold Stone, the kind of class act you wouldn’t expect to make such a rookie mistake. For shame. What am I supposed to mix in, chunks of fish?
What am I supposed to mix in, wasabi? I actually saw a guy on Iron Chef make this when the ingredient of the day was fish. When the judges asked him why the hell he would do that, he said he was “just curious.” You know, that’s the same rationale Mengele gave at the Nuremberg trials. In case you didn’t guess, he lost the title Iron Chef and was driven from Kitchen Stadium by an angry mob.
8. Black Licorice
Hey, I know! Let’s take a “candy” that everyone hates and use it to fuel an ice cream flavor equally disgusting and black as the night! Then lets all stab ourselves in the face with our letter openers!
The retarded cousin of green tea ice cream, wheat manages to be even closer to tasting like dirty ice. The hint of grain suspended on a thin bed of shit will make you wish you weren’t the kind of ignorant tool who buys wheat ice cream.
6. Pit Viper
Yes, eating it makes you badass, but is it worth it? I haven’t been able to determine whether this ice cream is flavored like the venom of the snake (incredibly deadly) or from the actual meat (incredibly putrid), but either way I’d rather prove my manliness by forcing the angry viper into the ice cream maker than by actually eating some.
5. Raw Horseflesh
IT IS WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE. MOVING ON.
“Ketchup” would probably be a better descriptor, once you add in the liquid component. It makes me wonder if anyone’s ever made a whole ice cream burger by putting ketchup ice cream and mustard ice cream onto some beef ice cream between two layers of wheat ice cream. Then I wonder whether a situation could ever arise in which I am expected to eat something like that. Then I wonder if I have enough aspirin in the house to kill myself.
This one is a standout if only because it’s the only item on the list that you would never eat normally, and yet are expected to eat just because it’s ice cream. That’s like me dropping my car keys into some Rocky Road and expecting you to choke it down. And on top of everything, this stuff even coats your lungs with carcinogenic coal dust. Now you too can live the life of a miner!
It’s ice cream that’ll make your dick hard. I’m not sure what the flavor is like, but at least it’s got that built-in endorsement going for it. On the other hand, it takes a pretty smooth operator to break off foreplay long enough eat an entire scoop of ice cream. That, and I’ll bet it makes free ice cream day at the little league game really awkward.
Look ice cream makers; this isn’t “cute” or “funny.” We eat ice cream because we’re not eating salad. The two are mutually exclusive, and tossing some cucumber into the vat doesn’t make it healthy. It just makes it the most retarded thing you could ever try and market to fatties. And by doing the exact opposite of what we want, you have officially made the worst ice cream flavor ever. Worse than charcoal and raw horse flesh. That, my friends, is something to be proud of.
So thank you, Irvine Robbins, for a life dedicated to shielding us from the horrors of the ice cream world. And for the record, eight out of ten of those flavors are from Japan, so if you want to solve this problem once and for all, you know who to bomb.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael waits for Cold Stone to restock Cake Batter as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!