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The 10 Most Unintentionally Hilarious Toys Exported by China

#5. Crary Chicken

What am I, a wizard? How am I supposed to come up with a joke about a toy chicken that you choke?

Favolable Letarded Grammar:

Aside from the word "ghoking" and a randomly placed period, crary chicken's box seems to have been written by someone who speaks this language pretty well. Now, I'm not saying Chinese exporters are pulling some kind of elaborate prank, but it's a little suspicious that they only speak good English when they're writing phrases that accidentally mean masturbation. I'm guessing it's no coincidence that 80 percent of their last names mean "penis" over here either. Here at Cracked, we've done our best to prevent this day from coming, but crary chicken confirms it: The People's Republic of China has officially won the dick joke race.

#4. THE JAZZMAN

I'm worried these toy reviews are coming off as culturally intolerant, so I thought I'd buy a toy that wasn't so controh my god.

This is exactly what it would look like if a California Raisin finally had racism explained to it in the middle of a saxophone solo.

Favolable Letarded Grammar:

You're not going to trick me, China. I know enough about jazz to know that Caucasians aren't allowed to say "squate."

#3. My Lovely Dolls

One of the most troubling things about these toys is that they aren't cheap. This doll costs $14.99 and looks like it was shipped here by way of fistfight. That's about five dollars more than you'd spend on a nondented, properly spelled doll at the Walgreens directly next door in either direction. And if the madman who made this has a reason for a train conductor baby to need scissors, an ear speculum and a syringe, I don't want to hear it. This doll could open its mouth and howl, "I'm here to drain the blood from your children!" and it wouldn't surprise you at all.

Favolable Letarded Grammar:

That's pretty fucked up, but OK. With pleasure.

#2. WILDLIFE ANIMALS HANDPICK

Giant dimetrodon? Neon pink parasaurolophus? These are the sweetest farm animals I've ever seen! I hope this toymaker got a raise, but now that I think about it, what is a raise for a sweatshop worker? Mailing your family your hair when you die?

Favolable Letarded Grammar:

This Engrish came from one of WILDLIFE ANIMALS HANDPICK's competitors -- a line of toys known only as "ANIMAL." ANIMAL promised "many style a lot," only every single bag was the same: Orange Elk & Orange Liger.

It also mentioned how most of the elks and ligers had new catenas, which seemed more like a warning than a feature. And of course, Flashing enter. This phrase is so common on Chinese toys that I'm almost positive it means, "Oh god, the factory laserbot is comi--!"

#1. Happy Little Masters

You know, this Happy little masters sewing machine and steam press play set was probably made by a child with actual happy little masters. And I bet the entire time they were wondering, "Who would sit at one of these machines for fun?" Or at least they would have if wondering was allowed during work hours.

Favolable Letarded Grammar:

Oh, man. This is not a toy for arousal and amusement. This is a trick, and you'd better hope the child who receives this BESTGIFT speaks English as badly as the happy little master who wrote the copy on it. It says right on the box that it's designed to form THE HABBIT OF HARDWORKING. Are you worried your children's delicate fingers might bleed too much during their 20-year lifespan as a Chinese factory employee? Toughen them up early with Happy little masters!

I doubt the toy really works for promoting sewing enthusiasm, since it also claims to develop intelligence, confidence and "performing ability," but some asshole made a pretend sewing machine to train children how to do housework. Think of the despair of the sweatshop worker putting this toy together. It'd be like making someone dig their own grave and then sit in it while they wrote a grave-digging guidebook for the next generation of people held at gunpoint.

Do you need more evidence that Happy little masters is a criminal organization? Its catch phrase is "COME ON, COLLECT AKK THE NEW SAMPLE!" That means nothing. What could that be other than the dying words of a U.N. investigator the Happy little masters choked to death? They are creating an army of slaves and taunting us while they do it!

Seanbaby is a renowned archaeologist of stupid shit. Fall in love at Seanbaby.com or read his jokes on Twitter.

For more of him on Cracked, please enjoy 10 Toys from the 80s that Just Didn't Care and 6 Words Advertisers Love (That Don't Mean Anything).

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