The 10 Most Unintentionally Hilarious Toys Exported by China

America is the land of opportunity, and for many immigrants, that means starting a business. In my neighborhood of San Francisco's Mission District, that business is always Maze Filled With Garbage. You see them every 10 feet -- tiny stores offering an unlikely combination of "gift," "fashion," "fish" and "trade." Sun-bleached Doro the Exploda luggage spills from them onto the sidewalk, and inside are narrow corridors filled with one-size-fits-all wedding dresses, bras for women who never plan on taking their shirt off and "I Heart San Francisco" snow globes from back when it was called Pangaea. No product in the store is ever more than 6 inches from a tube of underwear or a dusty neon Jesus clock, but if you've had all your shots and you're thin enough to navigate them, visit one and head to the toy section. Their toys are amazing, and if you're in the market for joy and magic, every single one of these is on the shelves now:


There are a number of ELEGANT FEATURES to this children's favourite. Let's take a look at each of them.

1 The moving bus makes the baby wonder the reason of moving.

While I admire their effort to trick babies, why would a baby wonder why an elephant is driving a bus? Yeah, it's weird to you and me, but it's quite possibly the most ordinary thing a baby sees in a day. Babies have no idea that the reason for AMVSING TRUCK can only be explained with the devil. Or maybe they do, and that's why they scream.

2 The interesting battery operated bump'n go action makes the baby drive well.

Hold on a second. Are you telling me that watching a maniac elephant smash into things is actually how Chinese people teach their babies to drive!? Because last week in a parking lot, they told me I was racist when I screamed that exact thing at them.

3 The pretty music arouse baby to learn music.

Forgive me if I'm skeptical of child psychology research done by a sweatshop's copy writer, but I don't think there's a link between musical aptitude and an elephant monster playing "Camptown Races" with a car horn. If this said "Pretty music cause baby work harder and meat more tender," then OK, you're the expert.

1 [again] The shining Flashing light can arouse the seeing baby's interests.

I think I'm starting to get it. If you shine a flashlight into a baby's face for 20 minutes a day, it will be a certified technician by the time it turns 4! But wait, if setting a baby near beeps and lights turns him into a genius, then why are there so many stupid babies? And how did the last generation of understimulated idiot babies grow up to invent something as brilliant as AMVSING TRUCK? Time travel? It's time travel, isn't it?

2 [again] The pretty music can arouse the baby's hearing interests.

I don't know why they added this bullet point a second time in a second set of bullet points. I guess they really want to make it clear how much this is about to arouse your baby. Have the hose ready.

Favolable Letarded Grammar:

From a linguistic point of view, this line isn't the box's most violent assault on our language. In fact, after putting in some batteries and watching AMVSING TRUCK sit in one place and have a noisy plastic seizure, I'd say "The head of motorcycle will swing when the hand shaking!" is the most elegant way to describe it. The reason I like the line is because it tells us that at least one person knew this shitty thing wasn't a TRUCK. To suddenly refer to it as a motorcycle is like a broken English wink from the smartest guy at the IDEAL PARADISE OF THE FRIENDS! Toy Factory & Organ Supply.


BEAT-MAGNUM TRUE HERO is a huge rollerskating robot that comes with one accessory-- a 7-inch shield. Here's what's strange, though: There are five choking hazard warnings on the box. Five. Who could ... wait, did China read about our obesity rate and decide our children had snakes for faces? Listen, parents, if there is someone or something in your house capable of swallowing any part of BEAT-MAGNUM TRUE HERO, focus your attention on it-- that is almost certainly the future cause of death for your child.

This fashivably coloured robot has seven unique actions, and I know you're dying to hear them, but first I want you to brace yourself. They're kind of weird.

It might sound a beautiful music. It might not. Look, they didn't exactly hire China's top robotics team for this project, so if some beautiful music sounds, have a good time. $7.99 buys you honesty, not craftsmanship.

No one said this was a children's toy. BEAT-MAGNUM TRUE HERO is a sexual being, and it will stop to luff.

The luffing will continue long into Stage 3.

I think it's saying that if you want to luff, too, it's not programmed to mind that one bit.


Stage 6: BEAT-MAGNUM TRUE HERO seriously cannot believe you're entering into a battle of wills with a masturbating robot. Are you waiting for it to change its mind? To simply ignore its prime directive? GO. AHEAD.

Stage 7: install 3 AA batteries. Oh wow, you mean BEAT-MAGNUM TRUE HERO did all that before I put in the batteries!? Holy shit!

Favolable Letarded Grammar:

I think "The Truth Eho The Eyes Met Before" loosely translates to "The Hand I Know How For Type With Is Luffing."

#8. BiBi

In the baby world, a demonic face is the polite way to let everyone know that you've been replaced with a changeling. Look at this monstrosity: This doll was designed as a dream home for a murderer's ghost. BiBi looks like something that would emerge shrieking from a Dumpster of used rape kits.

Favolable Letarded Grammar:

I think BiBi's body also will shaking when the scarabs inside it start their mating ritual.


Stores that sell toys like this don't make any sense. As many times as I've been inside one, I've never seen a second customer. The restaurants next door to them change owners every six months, and I refuse to believe that the people who decided to exclusively stock XXXL beige panties have some secret genius business plan. Are they drug dealers? People smugglers? That would explain why every doll's box looks like a teen sex slave has slept in it for weeks, then ripped his or her way out of it, but let me tell you a true story. When I was looking at SUPER POWER POLICECAR, the store owner literally said into her phone, "Idiot buy dees stuff." I'm not making that up for the purposes of this article. She said that right in front of me as if she didn't notice her only customer, the 6'3" man with a red mohawk laughing as he took a picture of the panties.

I was determined to prove her wrong, so I held this toy up and said, "One SUPER POWER POLICECAR, please." Then I nodded for a second and growled, "THE WHOLE WORLD IS MATCHLESS." Strangely, the woman who thought up the idea of opening Mission Street's 73rd indoor junkyard had no idea that everything I was saying was awesome. She charged me $8.99 for a driverless plastic car-like shape that inches slowly forward until it hits something. Oh, damn it. Now that I think about it, that condescending bitch might have been right.

Favolable Letarded Grammar:

Hell yes it is.


The box warned me that my BATHING BABY's specifications are, and I quote, "SUBJECT TO CHANGE WITHOUT NOTICE." This made me wonder what incredible toys China is keeping to itself that could give notice before they changed. What would they say? "AIEEEEE!!! MY FLESH! CONSUMER, BE WARNED, MY INFANT FLESH IS TAKING THE FORM OF A GIANT SLOR!!!"

I figured the warning was a misprint, since China has been wrong or lying with literally every syllable they've ever printed on one of their toys. So I opened the box expecting a blonde plastic baby partially devoured by Dongguan wig mites and instead saw the last thing a new white father is prepared for:

Sorry, black baby. I already named you Dongguan Wig Mites before I found out you were bald. And now I'm about to put you in something that costs 12 cents to manufacture, mixes running water and electricity and includes only this for instructions:

You are going to die.

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