#5. A Beer
This, friends, is a goddamn beer. It almost manages to take my mind off the fact that I'm still about to plow through several cans of overly sugared "refreshments."
#4. A&W Cream Soda
Let's never discuss the meaning of that sign. It's there for a reason, all right?
The brave soul that pops open a can of A&W Cream Soda is greeted by a dubious, fake-vanilla stank. This is heaven compared to the actual taste of the thing. You know how the Gremlins melt into a puddle of bubbling, liquid goop when exposed to sunlight? A&W Cream Soda is precisely what I imagine that muck tastes like: rich and eerily sweet, with a strangely organic aftertaste.
To make things even worse, this is the point of what I'm by now calling "The Experiment" where the combination of the heat and the Juggernaut of all sugar rushes is forcing me to take a break and go cool myself in the shower. Because I have to finish this drink anyway, and because I figure it can't be made worse than it already is, I opt to enjoy the last half-can in the shower.
Let my mistakes be a lesson to you all.
As you can probably guess, this is a fuck-awful move. The vile, creamy vanillaness of the soda is almost immediately heated beyond potability by the shower environment, updating its taste from Gremlin Juice to something not unlike drinking an entire, pureed cow, fur and bones and all. Believe me: this is even less delicious than it sounds.
#3. Twiss Lemon With a Twist of Mint
Look, this is not what I asked from life. I was only planning to grab a couple of drinks to get me through a weekend of gaming and general sitting-on-my-assitude. But sometimes, a man's natural curiosity and the need to binge on dangerous doses of high-fructose corn syrup in the name of research overrides all other instincts.
This is my story for when someone asks me how on Earth did I ever willingly ingest Twiss, and I'm standing by it.
Fuck you right back into the abyss, foul creature.
Because the combination of lemon and mint seems like a pretty refreshing one, my initial idea was to save Twiss as the last soda on the list. However, after my horrible cream soda adventure, it is occurring to me that I probably should have taken more than two hours to tear through the first six-and-a-beer, and I definitely should have eaten something first. As a result of these various errors in my methodology, I am rapidly beginning to feel like a big fat lump of fructose-infused fecal matter. It appears I'm experiencing a simultaneous sugar rush and crash; the hyperactivity and tremors that started at around San Pellegrino are still there, but the withdrawal symptoms are starting to create a nauseating effect not unlike being pelted with live cats from within. This is not a fun game anymore -- it's time to chug down that one last Twiss and get it over with.
Two guesses as to whether this was a great idea.
The first tang of Twiss Lemon With a Twist of Mint is actually quite palatable, the hint of mint bringing a pleasant twist (ha!) to the generic fake-citrus taste of a store-brand Sprite. However, after a couple of sips the novelty wears out with a vengeance. By the time I'm halfway through it, Twiss tastes almost exactly like Nickelback sounds: an exercise in tooth-corroding blandness attempting to disguise itself with aggressively calculated flair. Hold on, I just said I quite enjoyed the first two sips. Does that mean I like Nickelback now? Is this where you have taken me, sugar overdose?
Nope, still awful. Thank fuck.
#2. Cherry Coke
I am become a wreck, a pathetic excuse for a human being. Somewhere within me, my cells are gleefully mining fucking Twiss and A&W Cream Soda and converting their considerable excess energy into fat, and if I knew where my body is storing those fuckers I'd be ready and willing to remove that part with a rusty goddamn spoon. Yet, because I'm nothing if not determined (and also a certified dumbass), I choose to press on. Luckily, at this point I manage to summon enough presence of mind to eat something, because come on.
In hindsight, however, I probably should have ordered a pizza or something, because I have only the haziest recollection of chopping up these vegetables:
Kitchen knives: not the brightest idea when your hands have the sugar shakes.
At this point, I choose to choke down a Cherry Coke, because it's the only drink on this list I've tasted before, thus offering a handy reference point to the degree of vileness of the others. To my surprise, it tastes like it always does: pretty OK. Either this means that the previous drinks have truly leaked unto the unsuspecting world from Satan's butthole, or the good people at Coke are really, really good at getting their customers hooked on their product.
Then again, are those answers really mutually exclusive?
#1. Mello Yello
OK, one more. After finishing this, I'm going to close the computer and go shake for what will seem like days but probably won't be, then proceed to experience the kind of hangover you can usually achieve only by drinking something brewed by prisoners in a mostly emptied-out fire extinguisher. The duration of this experience has been a little under four hours, and the amount of throwing up that is going to happen any minute now shall be multicolored and legendary.
Now, what do we have in store for my last crusade?
Hehehehe. This one kind of sounds like a sex toy, doesn't it? A really bad sex toy, one of those floppy cheap things with a motor that's aaaaalmost dead. It could be ... maybe red, I suppose? No, I know it's supposed to be yellow, but man, there's no reason to suppress creativity. In fact, at first I thought the name of this stuff was "Hello Yello" and was all: "Hold on, this doesn't really taste like anything much. It should totally be called Mello Yello." And then I noticed that it actually was and I laughed and I laughed and I laughed. Taste-wise, it's OK, I suppose. I guess I could have another. Actually, I think I have another of those nice root beers in the fridge ...
Ah, shit. At what point does sugar take over your brain, again?
For more from Pauli, check out The 5 Most Ridiculous Drinking Myths You Probably Believe and The 6 Creepiest Lies the Food Industry is Feeding You.