First, a disclaimer: please do not try to down a gallon of dubious liquids at home just because an Internet fool is about to do so. This is not a Jackass thing any more than it is a Morgan Spurlock one. What you're about to read was an accidental lovechild of a hot summer day, a soda-stocked fridge, and a mind that really should have known better, documented here solely because I have a dangerous brain disease that requires me to spread all my idiocy for the world to see.
As you may or may not know, my usual base of operations is on a completely different continent from most other Cracked people. This is partly because I'm shamelessly and irredeemably European and partly a direct administrative consequence of the Office Christmas Party That Cannot Be Mentioned (even though the portal was open just for a minute at most, and almost everyone's eyebrows eventually grew back). Because of this, my access to many delicacies readily available to Americans is somewhat restricted. Nowhere is this more evident than in the field of soft drinks. Sure, I can get the big brands, but some of the more suspect (and therefore appealing) sodas an American reader can go and buy right now just aren't there for me.
This is why I pooped a brick of pure happiness when I noticed that a store near my home is stocking a vast selection of imported, potable insanity. So I filled my fridge with a host of drinks I've never had the opportunity to taste:
I'm a notoriously healthy eater.
Then, as soon as they had cooled down, I might have accidentally drank them all.
10Welch's Sparkling Grape Soda
I choose to start with what I foolishly assume will be the worst drink on the menu. Not only does the very concept of fucking grape soda send my taste buds packing, but the can's not exactly shy about insinuating that its contents are borderline hazardous. Look at it and tell me it's not going for that brightly colored "run away, I'm poisonous" warning that Amazonian frogs are so fond of:
The packaging also does that thing where the product claims to contain something good and natural, but when you look into it you'll find that what little actual grape juice the beverage has seen probably came in the form of a juice box someone sacrificed during the demonic ritual that summoned Welch's Sparkling Grape Soda into its production vat. However, since this is par for the course for most every item on this list, I'll just let it slide.
As you will notice many times during this article, I am the best photographer.
But here's the thing: Welch's Grape Soda is pretty fucking awesome. Granted, it looks like someone dissolved a Smurf in it and tastes like something that might condense inside those hollow, plastic grapes clueless decorators use, but it's not a bad kind of fake taste. The next time I get a hankering for unexpectedly delicious liquid plastic, this is definitely the drink I'm going to pick.
Wow, speaking of warning colors.
You'd assume something with a name like Hawaiian Punch is supposed to be a refreshing, fruity sort of drink. However, something strange must have happened in the pitfall-filled process between "this product would be a good idea" and "this product is now ready for thirsty consumers to enjoy," for this happy, hoochless hula-hula juice is attacking my taste buds like something that you'd better keep the hell away from your pet turtles unless you want your pizza budget to increase dramatically. This is what the drink looks like:
Heads, you gain invulnerability and an impressive butt-chin. Tails, you become Toxic Avenger.
Can something that artificially bright taste of anything but the faint, desperate, chemical screams of various fruit of uncertain origin, long since preserved in mysterious vats and subjected to the kinds of tests man was never meant to conduct? No. No, it can't. If you don't believe me, go ask the Kool-Aid Man. He knows.