A live stand-up comedy show audience is the closest real life gets to the Internet mentality. Maybe it's the booze. Maybe the atmosphere puts off an "act however you want without repercussions" vibe. But whatever the reason, every show ends up with some socially inept, attention-starved audience member talking back to the comic and fucking it all up for everyone else. I hate hecklers. I can't imagine being the type of person who sits in the dark while a professional with a microphone is trying to perform and immediately thinks, "You know what this situation needs? My annoying fucking voice."
So, I collect YouTube videos of comics giving hecklers a verbal beat-down. They're tremendously satisfying, to the point that I would consider going into stand-up comedy just so I could some day shit all over a heckler. Until then, I'll just have to admire the work of the masters:
#10. Matt Davis Deflates Cocky Kid
Normally, when a noisy table interrupts a comedian, he will try to incorporate it into his act and continue as best he can with the flow of his material. However, Matt Davis had already been warned by two other comedians that a particular table had been fucking up their sets for almost an hour. So when he took the stage, his dick was already wrapped with a sandpaper condom. As expected, the table started their idiocy, so he dropped his joke mid-sentence and pulled out his bitch-sticker. After a couple of small verbal jabs, Matt stopped the heckler cold by jamming a fist up into his colon and pulling out his sexual ego through his asshole:
"You see this man right here? I could piss this man off unbelievably, and he would sit there fucking quiet. You know why? He knows there is nothing I could say to him -- with his gray hair and his gray beard -- that will ever fuck up the pussy he brought with him. He fucking knows that. He owned that shit when he walked in the fucking door with it. But you gotta get lippy, coming back. Throw your peacock feathers up -- put your chest the fuck out there, saying, 'I'm a man, too.' Which is hilarious because every woman in here over the age of 25 knows as loud as you're barking, as big as you're sounding, all they hear is tiny, tiny dick."
When he demonstrates peacock feathers, it's a thing of beauty.
We never see the heckler on camera, but you can just feel the air go out of him like a shanked Christmas lawn Santa. Watch the audience's reaction when Matt's tone of voice changes. There's a collective "Oh shit, no he just didn't" that sweeps the room like a human wave at a soccer game right before the riot. But the greatest thing is right after that rant -- complete silence from that table. Total shutdown.
#9. Jamie Kennedy and the Server
Regardless of what you think of Jamie Kennedy, when he drops the act and deals with a dumbass audience member off the written script, it's unfiltered artwork. This wasn't just a normal set for Jamie -- it was the taping of an actual televised show. He was doing a bit on waitresses, and five seconds after saying the word, some politically correct Tourette's case shouted out, "Server! They're called 'servers.'" Assuming that's her occupation, he lets out a string of light insults, including "I'd like you to serve your mouth shut" and "Serve you up these nuts."
The insults themselves aren't all that impressive, though they do make the audience belt out an "Oooohhh," like Richie just told the Fonz to sit on it. The real beauty comes when he asks her where she serves, and she replies, "I'm not a server, I'm a nanny." That's when he drops the mic to his waistline and stares slack-jawed into space with a perfect look of "I refuse to believe a human can really be this fucking stupid" and says:
You can almost hear part of his brain die right there.
"She had to fucking interrupt the taping of my fucking show -- not just a show, but the actual taping of the show -- to say, 'Server!' ... When the fuck did you become fucking Super Serve, defender of all crime? Why does that make you so goddamn mad?" But what I find most impressive is that the line that ends it all isn't an insult or cursing or yelling. He just says in a deflated voice that seems almost ashamed to have taken part in the conversation, "Are we done?"
#8. Harry Terjanian and the Woman Who Thinks He's Talking Directly to Her
If this list is a core sample of heckling as a whole, you'll notice that the two most likely people to butt fuck an act are drunk men and pretty girls ... who are also drunk. The latter is the case when Harry Terjanian kept getting interrupted by a woman who was actually responding to his jokes as if they were a conversation aimed directly at her. Because to answer Jamie Kennedy's above mental question ... yes, humans really can be exactly that fucking stupid. Harry asks the audience if they ever wonder if they're going crazy and she, apparently having just left the house for the first time since her childhood abduction, responds, "A thousand times." He finally has enough and responds, "Just because you're drunk doesn't mean you're crazy. It just means you have no self-control."
He transitions back to his story, but she still didn't get the picture, because some people can only be taught a lesson via gunshot. Right after his punchline, she says, "Really?" And that's when he loses it, saying, "Here's the thing I love about you ..." Finally realizing that she's about to get the full brunt of his wrath, she interrupts and tries to end it on her terms with a pleading, "OK, OK, OK." But it was too late. Harry locks her in like an S&M sex swing, saying, "Now you can't leave." Followed by hard, cold, blunt reality:
Technically, he says, "Ya's can't leave," but being from the Midwest, I have no right to say it that way.
"I know you're trying to have a good time, and you are having a good time ... Here's what it is: You're pretty. And even in this fucking awful light, I can see that. No, don't fucking hide, now. Get up there and show everyone your pretty face. And I'm sure you're used to guys listening to your nonsense, but I'm not getting a blowjob from you tonight, so it doesn't matter to me. Do you understand? Doesn't matter how big your tits are, how well you use that mouth, I don't give a fuck -- so I don't have to listen to the lawn mower 'pap, pap, pap, pap, pap,' I don't care ... That fucking poor bastard you're with, his whole mission tonight is to make sure you get enough water so you don't pass out on the way home."
#7. Rob O'Reilly Answers Heckler's Phone
You don't have to be a professional stand-up to know that when you're at a live performance of anything, shut off your goddamn phone. And if it does go off, if the call isn't from your babysitter, your wife's maternity doctor or the people dropping off your ransom demands, just close it and call them back later. Common sense, right? Not for a comedy crowd, because in a world where we've forgotten how humans behave outside the computer room, it happens all the goddamn time. Rob O'Reilly had it happen to him, but rather than giving the guy shit for answering the call in the front row, he took the call for him.
At first, the guy wouldn't give him the phone, saying he didn't want him talking to the woman on the other end. But Rob pointed out, "Oh, is that rude? Is that rude to try to talk to her?" He then puts her on speaker and transforms his voice into a stereotypical gay man. "This is Tyrone. Listen, I am lying in bed, and your boy has just been workin' me. I just thought you should know about it. And by the way, you might want to stop by the clinic later." When he comes clean with what's going on (yes, she probably already knew from all the laughing in the background -- though I would give anything to find out she thought he was having gay sex in front of a cackling audience), he tells her, "Your friend answered his phone in the front row." She responds like a normal human with an actual soul: "Oh no!" And he wraps it up with the most casual, conversational tone ever, "What a dick, huh?"
#6. Kyle Cease Gets Directions
I've never seen someone handle hecklers as smoothly as Kyle Cease. Not only can he shut them down without setting them on fire, but he incorporates their idiocy into his act, making an entire funny bit on the spot. He is so good at it, he's the only comedian I wish hecklers upon. Sorry, Kyle, but your pain is a small sacrifice to make for our collective amusement. You can see it here, when he's trying to do a story about Catalina Island, making a general, absent-minded hand gesture as he says the name. Unfortunately, there are two of those "actually" type of fuckholes in the audience who point out that he's motioning in the wrong direction, and now the whole flow of the joke is ruined.
For the next two minutes, Kyle constructs an entire routine out of which way Catalina Island is, and only resorts to one insult when he spots someone coming back from the restroom, and says, "You don't even know which way fucking Catalina Island is because you were shitting." When the person makes their guess, he pipes up, "Nope! He fucking said that way. But we have an outvote. Him and ... two retarded girls say it's this way."
It's even harder to tell what direction it is from behind a computer monitor.
By not giving in to anger and just using their stupidity as comedy fuel, he completely took them out of the picture. And it isn't a fluke on his part. He has a good handful of these on his YouTube channel, and they are absolutely brilliant. Sometimes, I just sit back and masturbate to them.