The 10 Most Insulting Things Video Games Charged Money For
#5. Everything (Railworks: Train Simulator 2012)
There is a game called Train Simulator 2012 and that's not the ridiculous bit. It features incredibly detailed trains for train spotters, real routes for people who hate the way games take them to fantastic new worlds and a full driving simulation for people who dream of a career so boring that real drivers fall asleep even when they know that will kill hundreds of people. Again, not the ridiculous bit.
Imagine a life where you'd pay to do this for fun and WAIT TAKE THE GUN OUT OF YOUR MOUTH.
The ridiculous bit is that this is a game about simulating trains and you have to buy the trains. They're the whole point of a train simulator, if we didn't just blunt every needle in the world by using the word "point" like that, and they cost $20. Each. Railworks has already released over a thousand dollars worth of extra material (and now we've destroyed the economy by using the word "worth").
If you actually press the green button it sends a natural selection squad to your house.
It'd be cheaper to just go travel on the real trains. Hell, it'd be cheaper to hire a dozen prostitutes to cure you of your interest in trainspotting.
This P42DC Genesis costs more than a blow job.
#4. Color Pack (Street Fighter III: Third Strike)
Remember how you get a different color costume in Street Fighter by pressing a different fire button? Would you like to pay $3 instead? And did you know Capcom thinks your answer was "yes" instead of whatever obscenity you just called them? Street Fighter IV is already infamous for selling character costumes to the exclusive Beating People Up/Dressing up Barbies crossover market. Capcom made it worse in a recent release, because doing things again and more blatantly for extra money is Street Fighter's entire corporate strategy. At least they used to add things like characters. Now they're adding colors. Which is a total ripoff because acting like new colors are as good as new characters is Mortal Kombat's thing.
Character Design 101 = the color replacer tool.
The "Character Color Pack 1" for Street Fighter III: Third Strike makes Horse Armor look like a solid investment. They charge $3 for a new set of seven colors, and another $3 for a second set. Presumably because you have two kidneys to take the piss of. These aren't new costumes, they're palette swaps which took Capcom about negative one second to make. The best bit? These expensive new shades aren't visible to other players who haven't bought the pack. So when playing online, you're giving Capcom free money to pretend you're pink.
#3. Buying Money (Godfather)
Godfather's "In-Game Money" lets you spend real money for fake money. This isn't even a multiplayer game like World of Warcraft, where (illegally) buying huge piles of cash gets you an advantage over other players. This is a single-player game, so you're giving real money to EA, then giving the fake money to fake shops programmed by EA. This reverse alchemy charges you twice and the second time you're giving up dignity instead of money. The 250k in fake money, which we won't dignify with a dollar sign, costs $1.875. That's 133 fake dollars per Microsoft point, and the ratio could be infinity per point and you should still get a free chewable drool-proof controller with every purchase.
Even I didn't rip people off this bad. I had respect.
There's no defense for this. If you bought it you are ruining games for the rest of us. Infinite money and unlocking all the weapons (another item you can buy) used to be achieved with cheats or options. Casual throwaways developers would include for fun because it takes more effort to program a microwave than add extra money to a game. But that system rewards intelligent players, and those are much harder to make money off of.
#2. Pay Instead Of Play (Tales of Vesperia)
Awesome games turn players into cybogs, but Namco has turned them into wallets wired up to dialysis machines. You give Namco a bunch of money to buy a role-playing game, then give them more money to buy the "Lv. UP +10" DLC to play it for you. You just flat-out buy extra levels instead of wasting time with that stupid "enjoying things" thing.
Yawn. Can't I just throw my money through Namco's open window instead?
The most terrifying thing is how there are six of these level-up items, because the Xbox Marketplace will only let you buy any item once to avoid players accidentally wasting money. So for players deliberately wasting money Namco included two +10 level DLCs and four +5 levels. You can even buy in game materials -- so you can pay real money to get fake goods, and then still have to spend your own time sitting at your console "crafting" items. They don't even sell you the finished items, just the material, because the only thing that makes free money sweeter is laughing at the people who gave it to you. There are people in sweatshops with better deals, because at least they're making net-positive money and real items.
#1. Snooki Hair (Avatar Item)
Xbox Avatar Items are a worse way to spend money than hiring a hitman on yourself, because at least then the world will be saved from having you in it. And a professional is being paid for actually doing something. The Xbox avatar is the most useless video game item since the "peaceful negotiations" button in Doom. It's a Mii except it was released later and isn't used in any (good) games.
Decorating a fake bobble head on your console shouldn't just be free, they should pay you for valuable data on the limits of human boredom. Instead they charge real money for items, and we've prefixed the word "money" with "real" again because we still can't believe this is really happening.
And for only $2 you can buy Snooki hair.
I preferred it when computers used nuclear weapons and killer robots to end civilization. At least then I wasn't ashamed.
This isn't just like Snooki, or preferably "oh shit we didn't notice it's like" Snooki, it's a licensed Jersey Shore product. It's a copyrighted simulated fake item based on a real fake person, and it costs real money. It'd be a less pointless spiral of financial insanity if you twisted dollar bills into mobius strips and set fire to them in pentagram, and the result would be less damaging to your soul.
For some positive aspects of gaming, read 5 Real Skills Video Games Have Secretly Been Teaching Us and 24 Video Game Covers That Will Double Your Testosterone.
Luke also has some Totally Sane Predictions For Modern Warfare 3, tumbles, and has a website.
Glad Vesperia got a mention. You could also buy costumes and titles that you could unlock in-game anyway, and none of the achievements associated with them unlocked until you followed the required steps in-game, so buying them essentially meant nothing. But yeah, buying levels was the most insane DLC I've ever seen.
ReplyI feel kind of bad for having bought rezurrection. Or, I would, if it wasn't already too late. f**k it-totally worth it...
ReplyNamco has really been testing its fans lately with its releases. Soulcalibur V felt like an incomplete game and they had release day DLC that barely fixed anything. I keep buying the DLC hoping they will eventually add cut characters or additional 1p modes because I love the series, but V was a mess.
ReplyThanks to DLC I only play one or two games a year. I can't afford to buy incomplete games at complete prices and then pay additional money for DLC. I miss PS2 days when you got a completed game...
Looks like I didn't miss much.
I am a massive fan of Soul Calibur (it is my favourite 1/1 beat em up series ever) but I didn't buy SCV.
Reason because some fucktarded moron who should be burned alive at the stake and then hung drawn and quartered decided it would be a good idea to put Enzio (or what ever his name is) from Assassin's s**t er I mean Creed into the game.
And after reading your comment I am even more glad I missed it. It looks as though those bunch of fucktards spent more time putting s**t into the game in the form of Assassin's Creed than brining out a complete and working game and also only interested in ripping us off.
I sincerely disagree with the opinion of Treyarch as the also-ran in the CoD series. Treyarch is doing their best to move the franchise forward; Infinity Ward has been content making the same game three times while somehow making it worse each time (for my money, Modern Warfare 2 was the most disappointing game of all time).
ReplyModern warfare series was the only game so far in which I actually cared about the characters. So you can f**k right the f**k off, Treyarch is the epitome of cheap game companies. Infinity might have made the same game three times, but at least they actually MADE the game. Treyarch pretty much stole every aspect from the MW series, and put it in a more boring environment. and fucked it up.
I'm sure someone has noticed this. but i didn't see it in the comments. Black ops had zombie mode in it for free. with 3 maps. Rezzurection just gave you one more and the rest from the previous game, (with slightly better graphics) and a (sort of) new engine. And WAW only came with one zombie map. you had to buy the rest. still a rip off though, but i bought it, because im treyarchs little bitch.
ReplyTwo time silver medal winner? That's a bit harsh, World At War was pretty decent game.
ReplyAnother rip-off had to of been the add on gameplay for Star Wars: The Force Unleashed.
Replyha ha, I purchased non of these.
ReplyWhat? I'm sorry, there was no item called "Non" on the list. Maybe you commented on the wrong post, or something like that.
I thought I was the only one that thought gears of war weapon skins were a rip! (I was the only one out of all my friends that didn't buy them)
Replyactually on dragon age origins it was the stone prisoner that showed up on dlc when you first played the game, not wardens keep.
ReplyNo mention of the Fable 3 black dye? Epic fail article. Also, zombies was built into Black Ops, d*****t, the $15 was for the maps, you didn't have to buy it to play the mode. Makes me wonder what else in this article was less truth and more Luke talking out of his ass.
ReplyWhile some launch day DLC is undoubtedly finished prior to sale, keep in mind that a span of sometimes several months happens from the time the game is finished to the time you get your hands on it. That's time developers use to finish DLC that they plan to make available at launch,
ReplyThe characters in Arkham City that you had to buy pissed me off, but not enough to not buy the game. I'm too much of a fan of Batman and the original game that I bought the Collector's Edition.
ReplyWait, Zombies has never cost extra unless you wanted extra map packs, in both games. I doubt the integrity of the article based on the vastly false information displayed in #six, the other games, I hadn't had much interaction with the mentioned DLC so i can't comment on their integrity.
ReplyYou think Snooki Hair is bad? What about "The Situation" abs?
ReplyDearest Luke,
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesNot entirely sure why you equate homosexuality with an affinity towards neon-trash psychedelic 16-year-old masturbation sock stained skins. As I gay male, I resent that insular stereotype.
And even playing into your archaic stereotype, gay men have taste. Those prints look more akin to your hetero-normative alpha-male Ed Hardy STI wear. You know, like straight, fratty wolf pack FPS loving bros love to wear while trying to pick up trashy florida bar whores while drinking daiquiris.
I generally love the articles here, and have been an avid reader for 4 years, but the rampant homophobia and ableism in these articles needs to stop. You can still maintain your humor with out sounding like a prejudice, ignorant hillbilly.
It's 2011. Get with the program.
He called it "ill-advised." As in he was making a joke, on a comedy website, that the company was playing to a idiotic stereotype. It was a tie in to his observation that most of the trash talk found in these games, when you really think about it, is sorta homoerotic since it involves describing acts straight men usually don't do to one another.
There was nothing homophobic about what Luke said whatsoever.
Dearest Waldorf,
shut the f**k up. nobody cares.
Well said my friend, well said.
"Even I didn't rip people off this bad. I had respect."
ReplyLOL this one made me laugh. Good one.
I didn't get #2, I thought it unlocks the level cap by 10 and 5 respectively, until I realized it simply means your current level is increased by 10 and 5 respectively, with a grand total of 40 quick levels
As for #5, I can't even get what people who defend this entry's way of thinking. A $1500 game? Even Call of Duty didn't rip you off this bad. Not to mention that most of them probably are just the same thing with different textures
For #10, yeah, it doesn't actually work: it simply increases the horse's health. Might as well call it Horse Clothes and Health Vitamin Pack
And now I know I won't be getting DA: Origins lol. Talking about paying in real cash in an RPG game is simply too insulting
Me, I'm still pissed that 2ksports took out 1v1 to 4v4 Blacktop modes, that was INCLUDED IN THE GAME in NBA 2k11, for 2k12 and then presenting it as DLC so that we get the privilege to pay for it this year. And in some feeble, half-hearted attempt at trying to show that this is a 'new' thing, they retouched the graphics with some simple cartoon filters, thus making it look worse than the original look. Awesomeness.
ReplyI'm surprised this guy hated so much on skins. What really boils my skin is games like Evony and most of the multiplayer browser market that go "Oh sure you can play for free. But you'll lose. Wanna win? 5$." "Oh someone else spent 5$. Wanna win? 10$." Ad infinitum.
ReplyI happen to like Railworks Train Simulator. I am a sim fan. I don't care about first person shooter games but you won't see me be a jerk and go around degenerating the game and the people who buy them. I bought my game on sale and the amtrak pack on sale and have spent $45 so far total.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesI am glad there is a DLC section. I don't want all the content included in my game because 1. that eats up more computer space and 2. that makes the product far more expensive.
I'd rather choose what I want. 90% of the train content to purchase is British and therefore I have no interest or need for it and that saves me a lot of money.
I enjoy driving a train, derailing or crashing it. I love changing the weather on it, playing at night and so on. The only people who hate on simulator games are those who aren't hardcore enough to learn and succeed the games without whining about it being boring. Grow up.
I was thinking of buying it, but I'm more a sim fan then a train fan. . .
And yeah. 2 to 3 thousand dollars. That's a killer too. Reminds me when Farscape was on sale for 3'000$ (700+$/season + taxes). "House down payment, or game/movie?"
Seems to me like it's an attempt to bring model train sets into the 21st Century.
After all, those involved buying extra trains and they didn't do the stuff you can do with a simulator. I'd never play with it but I can sorta understand the principle behind it.
hahahahahahahahahahaha not hardcore enough to pretend to be a train driver... best joke ive heard in a while.