The 10 Most Depressingly Unfunny Gag Gifts

#5. Fart Candy

Speaking of farts, fart candy gets a special mention for at least tricking me. I thought this would be something that sounds or smells like a fart, and ha ha, everyone has a good laugh. Remember hot pepper gum? Or the gum that turns your mouth black? Like that crap. But no, this is a whole new level of crazy. Fart candy causes you to fart.

I may be naive, but I honestly wasn't aware that we as a species had developed the ability to hide farts in candy yet. I know that beans cause gas, and that some people can't handle their Mexican food, but not that we had refined a particular ingredient to the point where it can be added to candy, imperceptibly, and then it will make people fart.

While causing farts seems like a good prank on the surface, you have to also be aware that if you're there with the person eating the candy, you too become the victim. Moreso than the farter, because we only pretend to be offended by our own farts, when really we're spitefully proud of each and every one.

#4. No Gay Sex Sign

This seems like it would have been most at home in the 1980s, when there was a genuine fear of gay sex taking place in a bathroom or your linen closet or wherever you feel gays might be gathering in and around your residence. Basically when homophobia was more of a cottage industry and everyone had a good laugh at Billy Crystal playing a man named Jodie. A man named Jodie, just imagine it. So silly. So gay.

Anyway, as a gift, this one is just lost in the woods. If you give it to a friend who is actually gay, it's like giving a midget one of those signs from the circus that says you must be this tall to ride. It's a passive-aggressive confrontation. Also, did you know midgets don't like being called midgets? I hope none got up on a booster seat to read this.

The big issue with the no-gay-sex sign is that it's kind of like flying the Confederate flag or listening to Glenn Beck in public -- it's a forthright admission of dummitude and ignorance. Most people want to keep their idiocy secret because it's embarrassing; that's why the KKK wear those delightful linens. The costumes make it easier to be a pinhead. But all out in the open, you have to be a real gaping anus to act that way, and it's hard to give a gift without it being out in the open, so you're admitting to your friend that you either are an ass or have closeted gay fantasies about them, or both. Probably both.

#3. Liquid Ass

Last butt-themed prank, I promise. From me, not from prank stores. Maybe. They have pages and pages of this shit. For our purposes, this is pretty much the omega of ass prankage -- liquid ass. Here's a quote from the Liquid Ass website: "Once unleashed, this power-packed, super-concentrated liquid begins to evaporate filling the air with a genuine, foul butt-crack smell with hints of dead animal and fresh poo." If you've never had occasion to say "Well I never," then please take a moment now.

Rancidity does not equate to good times; this has never been a historical observation or even speculation. In the Dark Ages when people were carting wagons laden with plague victims through the streets and if you wanted a breath of fresh air you had to put your face in the dog's ass, no one thought they were living in one big, hilarious prank. No one likes stink. And while we've all been enamored of a real-life fart now and then and found ourselves with watery eyes and our shirts pulled up, laughing a mixture of elation and pain from the magnitude of what occurred, it's because it was produced by another human with whom we have some relationship that we can share a laugh. It's not bottled. I can shit in a can and give it to a stranger right now, and it's going to get very few chuckles. Your fake stink is a pox on humor and besmirches the good name of real stink that at least has sincerity to bolster it.

#2. Big Momma Undies

This is a pair of underwear that appears to be large enough to house some of those little midgets who I assume are still not reading this article. Little dickenses. It's funny because the implication is that these were made for a morbidly obese woman, and of course you're not giving them to a morbidly obese woman, or even Martin Lawrence, the proverbial Big Momma whom we all love and admire. He was Madea before Madea was terribly uncool and ruining cinema.

These giant, wind sail undergarments really encapsulate the very nature of what's wrong with gag gifts as a whole, and it's due to the price. These things are $20. Most office Secret Santas set a cutoff limit of $20 or less, and of course you probably know countless people you'd never spend $20 on if it could get them out of a Turkish prison. So why waste $20 on a pair of giant panties that are literally going to be garbage within an hour? What are you, Mitt Romney? Just give them the gift of a photo of you wiping your ass on a $20 bill then. It'll save you the effort of going out, and probably be a better story for them to share later.

#1. Queef Machine

Were you hoping we'd get off the fart train? Not yet, lil fella. We have one last stop at Queef Station. I lied before to lull you into a false sense of security. Also, I'm really conflicted by this entry, because the idea of this thing is one of the funniest things I can imagine. Some guy was probably playing with one of those fart machines and he thought (I'm assuming it was a man, because logic) "Man, no one is ever going to mistake this sound for a sound that comes from a vagina," and so he set about doctoring a fart machine to make it more vaginal. For those interested, here is the formula for converting a regular fart into a queef:

So he made the queef machine and roamed the countryside sabotaging innocent, quiet vaginas. And now you can give it as a gift, for the lady who has everything but a naturally rowdy vagina.

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Felix Clay

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