There might be cheaper ways to learn bass than Steve Bailey's $99,999.99 Fretless Bass, but are you willing to risk it? To put that price tag into perspective, Geddy Lee's personal appearance fee is $60,000, and the bass player from the Spin Doctors will come to your house and put his mouth around you as long as your dick is in a pizza.
The Smarter, More Affordable Choice: Disposable Earplugs Plugstation
For less than half the price of Fretless Bass, you can get this Goin' Green NASCAR-branded earplug dispenser. Stick a couple in and play bass as fretfully as you want. Do you have small ear canals? What am I saying? You're a NASCAR fan -- tiny ear holes are the least of your birth defects. You're probably halfway through eating the dispenser already and wondering why this $46,710 tub of popcorn sucks so much.
$6,901 for six boxes of Cheerios? Have they been passed through the Queen of England?
The Smarter, More Affordable Choice: Video Introduction to Adult Swallowing Disorders (VHS)
If you're on a budget, avoid Cheerios and try swallowing less expensive things like ethnic children or fossilized dinosaur semen. This can be dangerous, so pick up a $2,846.23 VHS tape on adult swallowing disorders. It's a steal! You don't have to take my word for it -- just listen to these reviews!
Student SLP gave this video five stars! He or she thinks it's a "great investment" and also a "book."
J. Shackelford only gave it three stars, since its PAL format will make it impossible to watch on an American VCR should he or she ever come across the video.
So if you've ever wondered what kind of people buy a $2,846.23 tape on throat disorders, you were right: retarded ones.
This $99,999.84 case is probably more than you spent for your actual iPod Shuffle, but it comes with a Free eBigValue Hand Strap and a Key Ring. Assuming those are the Korean words for "weapons-grade uranium" and "treasure map," this is a bargain. Plus, it comes with keys!!!
No, wait. Shit.
The Smarter, More Affordable Choice: 3-Carat Diamond Pacifier
Let's face it: If you're walking around with a $100,000 iPod Shuffle case, you're doing that so poor people hate you. Get the same effect for a fraction of the cost by jamming this diamond-studded pacifier in your infant's mouth. It's the fastest way to tell nearby child psychologists that your baby will have a sex tape by the time it's 18 months old.
For a quarter of a million dollars, you can have the book rights and the movie rights for Pez Outlaw Diary, a novel(?) about the intrigue surrounding Pez dispenser dealing. The author, Pez Outlaw, has written what he says is "the most unique book ever written about Pez." That sounds impossible, but judging by the manic sentence fragments he used to describe the book, I believe him. Take a look:
"Pez Outlaw Diary - PEZ bio of 11 year quest for success. International travel. Money and deception. Now a fight for restitution Buying this listing gets you both the book + movie rights of this story. The True Story of Pez.. The 1/2 Million Dollar Fraud, PEZ Pez. A Story of Fraud, Dishonesty, Betrayal, Envy and Greed. Welcome to the Pez Outlaw world. I accept all facebook friend requests."
"The 1/2 Million Dollar Fraud, PEZ Pez"!? Like Aliens vs. Predator, that walks the line between a great elevator pitch and the ramblings of a madman. Who would have thought that decades of eating sweetened chalk out of the neck of Batman could make a person crazy?
The Smarter, More Affordable Choice: ?????????
For only $10,014.89, you can ... actually, I have no goddamn idea what this one is.
Wow! Sixty virility pills for $999,944.99!? If Coach Mike Ditka told me he was only going to charge me $16,665.75 per erection, I'd be so excited that he'd accidentally give me one for free.
The Smarter, More Affordable Choice: The REAL DEAL on Breastfeeding (DVD)
I'm not a math scientist, but let's work this out. $999.99 is more than most DVDs cost, yet dividing $999.99 worth of breasts by infinite replayability equals free erections for life. In your face, Ditka.
For the Bizarro version of this article, see 8 Ridiculous Products for Sale on Amazon.com for One Penny. Or just enjoy If Violent Video Games Really Got Banned.