Cracked Columnists

The 10 Lamest Super Bowl XLII Ads (Part 2)

THRILLER - PEPSI COLA
Swaim: Thriller references never go out of style. Didn't you see that YouTube video of those prisoners? Come to think of it, this commercial would have been better with a bunch of dancing CG Malaysian prisoners.

Wolinsky: Malaysian prisoners are inherently more entertaining than CG lizards. Don't they teach that in advertising school?

Swaim: I think the implication here is that drinking Life Water can actually raise the dead.

Wolinsky: Bullshit. This was clearly the product of a cocaine-fueled brainstorming session. By 6:30 a.m. all they had on the whiteboard was "PEOPLE LIKE: 1.) Chicks 2.) CG Lizards 3.) Zombies." They might be right, but this is still a conceptual nightmare.

Wolinsky: Also, why isn't the CHICK a zombie?

Swaim: The lizard would have to bite her for that to happen, and lizard zombies are only attracted to lizard brains. I'm expecting some fanfic on this.

Wolinsky: Yeah, well, there's no shortage of fan fiction... for THINGS THAT SUCK.

SPOT ON - GODADDY.COM
Swaim: To my knowledge, this is the first ever superbowl ad to go meta. If you won't get behind something as fresh and groundbreaking as that, at least get behind the promise of pornography at the end.

Wolinsky: I can get behind the promise of internet pornography, but I'm more into dated pop culture references to "wardrobe malfunctions."

Swaim: Sigh. Just watched the linked video at GoDaddy.com. No porn. But I DID find wider exposure and a great webspace at rock bottom pricing!

Wolinsky: Classic bait-and-switch. They reel you in with the porn, then they sell you a great hosting package.

Swaim: This is so exciting that I'm going to huddle around the computer with eight or nine of my closest friends, faces nearly touching, to read about it.

Wolinsky: Will it be an ethnically-diverse group of both males AND females? Oh, wait - these people are all white.

Swaim: Yeah, but at least they've got the lesbian demographic going. One step at a time, Ross. Next you'll be wanting black people to fly.

Wolinsky: Let's not get carried away.

NEVER SAY NEVER - GENERAL MOTORS
Wolinsky: "If you like tastefully animated line drawings, you'll love one of the biggest SUVs available on the consumer market."

Swaim: Sisyphus got to the top of the hill! This commercial just blew my entire 5th grade presentation on Greek Mythology out of the water.

Wolinsky: I think it would have been better if it started like that, then the dude who animated it gets into his Geo Metro, gets into an accident with a Yukon, and his car explodes.

Swaim: And then the hugest SUV you've ever seen leaps through the explosion and blots out the sun.

Wolinsky: It opens with a shot of Pegasus soaring majestically through the sky... then the Yukon launches off a ramp, kills him, and shoots fire out of the exhaust pipe to scorch the corpse.

Swaim: I think the hidden implication is that GM is going to start paying men to set boulders on precarious ledges. You're going to want to be in the biggest vehicle you can find when those babies start rolling.

Wolinsky: We should probably call the cops. That HAS to be illegal.

Swaim: GM owns the cops. GM is "Them." Our only hope is putting underarmor on our cars.

Wolinsky: I guess we should call Ving Rhames, then.

Swaim: Dialing...

Swaim: He says not to call again.

PANDA BEARS - SALESGENIE.COM
Swaim: This one's easy to hate. You've got the obvious racism, and that's tough to surmount. But in the end this is really the tragic profile of a couple unable to concieve, and their struggles to ignore that fact.

Wolinsky: I don't actually have a problem with the racism. They're saying the Chinese have a strong work ethic! I'm all for that, but my problem with this commercial is with the product itself. Do people really buy "sales leads"? Is that a thing?

Swaim: If you owned and operated a bamboo furniture outlet, you'd already know the answer to that.

Wolinsky: So you call up SalesGenie.com and say what? "I need some sales leads - do you know anyone that needs to buy a couch?"

Swaim: Yeah, and if you're lucky they say "Dude, I think I know a guy. Hold on." It's like Craigslist, but without the reliability.

ACCENTS - BUD LIGHT
Swaim: I'm for this one solely on the grounds that it's the perfect venue for a talent like Carlos Mencia's. His comedy works wonders in the under sixty-second format.

Wolinsky: It's too bad Dane Cook is white. He could have really raised the bar here.

Swaim: DANE COOK IS WHITE?!

Wolinsky: I don't actually know who he is. I've just heard his name around.

Swaim: He puts out so much energy, I assumed he was one of the feistier races.

Wolinsky: What's the deal with Sherpa legs anyway? Are they awesome?

Swaim: Have you ever seen a Sherpa leap vertically? It's like a rocket lifting off.

Wolinsky: We don't have very many Sherpas in Chicago, but you know what we do have? Bud Light. Lots of it.

Swaim: Then, as this commecial has proven, you are constantly swarmed by foxy women who want to lick it off of your ethnic body.

Wolinsky: That's what I love about this country. Hot women, shitty beer and NO SHERPAS.