The rise of social media has made it easier than ever to keep in touch with friends, relatives and coworkers. With a few keystrokes you can reconnect with an old high school buddy, learn what your coworker’s favorite band is, or play Scrabble with a friend who lives on the other side of the globe.
But while increased connectivity is an undeniably good thing, you can just as easily use it to annoy the living hell out of everyone you know. This is the internet, after all, and if something on the internet can be used in an annoying way, you can safely assume that 99% of the population will proceed to do so (go try reading a comment on YouTube if you don’t believe me).
People need rules to tell them how to act. Luckily I went to the top of Mount Internet last night, and God handed me down these 10 Commandments of Facebook for all to obey. Follow them or you’ll go to hell.
1. Thou Shalt Not List Every Movie, TV Show, Band and Book You Have Ever Heard Of In Your Profile
“You like The Office? I like The Office!!!”
Do you like Radiohead, A Confederacy of Dunces, and Ferris Bueller’s Day Off? Do you enjoy watching The Office and Family Guy? Of course you do - everyone likes those things. Why make it a point to express your enthusiasm for things that everyone likes?
Maybe you’re cooler than that. Maybe you’re into cool, obscure bands like Fela Kuti and Einstürzende Neubauten. Awesome, dude - you have impeccable taste in shit that nobody has ever heard of. Congratulations.
Everyone knows that a person is only as good as their taste in books, movies, bands and TV shows, but what exactly do you hope to accomplish by posting a 5,000-item laundry list? Are you going to forge deep and meaningful new relationships with people based on a mutual appreciation of Entourage, or sever ties with good friends because they AREN’T into Fela Kuti? If you feel the need to share this information with the world (and I know that you do), keep it as short as possible. Remember: You’re not going to impress anyone. It’s the Internet. Nobody is impressed by ANYTHING on the Internet.
2. Thou Shalt Not “Poke” Indiscriminately
This guy was into “the poke.” He’s dead now (probably).
Maybe I’m missing something here, but as far as I can tell, “poking” people serves absolutely no purpose other than prompting the person on the other side to “poke” you back, sparking off a potentially infinite spiral of pointlessness that makes everyone involved just a little bit dumber than they were when it started. Before you know it you’re installing apps that offer “pro” pokes, “office” pokes, and “sexy” pokes. “Indiscriminately” might not even be the right word here. How about “Thou Shalt Not ‘Poke’ EVER” or “Thou Shalt Not ‘Poke’ Because That Shit Is Completely Retarded And Pointless”?
3. Thou Shalt Not “Friend” People You Don’t Actually Know
This guy is Gladstone’s “friend.”
What does the word “friend” mean to you? It means different things to different people, but most would agree that a “friend” is someone that you actually know. Ideally someone you’ve met in real life. I know that’s not always going to be the case (Gladstone would have exactly ZERO friends on Facebook if he had to follow that rule), but I’m sure we can all agree that if someone is your friend, you should at least KNOW WHO THEY ARE.
If you vaguely remember someone from high school but you don’t remember how you actually knew them, then chances are you guys weren’t very good friends to begin with. Of course, it’s also entirely possible that you guys were total besties and you’re going through some sort of Memento-like amnesia. If so, disregard this commandment, add everyone you possibly can as a friend, and send them all messages that say, “WHO AM I? DEAR GOD, PLEASE TELL ME WHO I AM!”
4. Thou Shalt Not Use A Wall As A Private Messaging Function
The “Wall” is one of Facebook’s most popular features. That being said, there are times when it might be a good idea to move your conversation to a private venue. Here’s a handly little chart to help illustrate when it’s appropriate to communicate on a public Facebook wall, and when it’s INAPPROPRIATE to do so:
Hopefully that clears up some confusion.
5. Thou Shalt Not Join A Billion Groups
While it may very well be true that Dave Coulier shaves his balls, what more is there to say about it?
If you’re a black lesbian with a severe wheat allergy who also happens to be into Philip K. Dick and astrology, then you’re in luck: there are tons of groups on Facebook, and there’s sure to be at least one of them out there that caters to you. But with so many groups available, you have to draw a line in the sand somewhere. You might like chicken noodle soup quite a bit, but do you really need to join the Chicken Noodle Soup Group? Maybe you prefer sponges to forks, but do you really feel so strongly about it that you need to join SPONGES RULE - FORKS DONT!? If you think Gladstone is funny (and yes, I know that’s a big “if”), do you really want to join his group and announce it to the world? Of course not.
There’s nothing wrong with joining a few groups, but don’t go crazy. Oh - and don’t join Gladstone’s. Seriously. It will only encourage him.
6. Thou Shalt Not Use Stupid Apps
With so many fart-related apps to choose from, how do I know which one is right for me?
The other day I got a notification on Facebook letting me know that someone had “bought” me. Then someone else challenged me to a “race” where this crappy little car came up, I hit “Go!,” and a message popped up that said “YOU LOST THE RACE.” Then another notification popped up informing me that someone had “thrown a sheep” at me, asking if I’d like to install some sort of app to “throw a sheep” back at them. Then another notification popped up, but instead of clicking it I closed my laptop, walked down to the nearest highway overpass, and proceeded to get as drunk as a human being possibly can without dying.
There are thousands of apps available on Facebook, and although there are a few worth checking out, about 99.9% of them suck. A reasonably intelligent person should be able to tell the difference. If you can’t figure out which is which, maybe Facebook isn’t the place for you. Perhaps another social networking site would suit you better?
7. Thou Shalt Not Give “Gifts”
Q: What does all this crap have in common?
A: I don’t want any of it. (Except that Chinese paper lantern. That looks nice.)
I know this goes with the whole not-using-stupid-apps thing, but “gifts” are so stupid that they deserve their own commandment.
If you want to give me a “gift” of some kind - like a butterfly, a pink striped thong, or an adorable panda - give it to me in real life.
Yes, you heard me: give me a panda in real life.
I will raise it in my apartment, it will quickly become enormous and unmanageable, and then yes, it will most likely go on a rampage in my building and kill several people before being put down by a team of animal control specialists. Do I want all this senseless carnage? No, but given the choice, I’ll take a building full of dead neighbors over receiving a tiny picture of a pair of socks as a “gift” on Facebook.
Am I being too harsh? Maybe. Just give me that Chinese paper lantern and we’ll call it even.
8. Thou Shalt Not Contact People From Your Distant Past While Intoxicated
If you had a relatively normal childhood, you probably have some nice memories of the people you grew up with. Assuming those people feel the same way about you, Facebook creates a tinderbox-like atmosphere - all it takes is a few booze-soaked swipes at the keyboard to send off an incoherent missive that can easily shatter even the fondest of childhood memories.
It’s nice to let old friends know what you’ve been up to, but mixing Facebook with alcohol can be a potentially deadly combination.
9. Thou Shalt Not Update Thy Status Message If Thine Status Hath Not Changed (Or If You Have Nothing Clever To Say)
Status Update: Still watching the copy machine.
You have a full-time job, Monday through Friday, 9-5. We have a pretty good idea of what you’re doing when you’re at work - sitting at your desk, typing stuff, maybe talking on the phone every once in a while. Your weekdays are pretty predictable; your friends could use your routine to set their watches. You’re at work. We get it.
So here’s a tip: Wait until you either have something clever to say or - godforbid - something happens before you update your status message. A sandwich (good or bad), an observation about the upcoming election, a funny encounter in the hallway - it doesn’t have to be much, but it has to be something. Here’s what I don’t need to know: that you’re still at your desk. I KNOW you’re at your desk. It’s a weekday during normal business hours. If your status hasn’t changed, why do you feel the need to “update” it?
10. Thou Shalt Not Act Like You’re On MySpace
Facebook: Not nearly enough glitter.
Welcome to Facebook - you’re all grown up now and it’s time to start acting like it. What does that mean? It means no more “pimping” out your page, no more “glitter” pictures, and no more crashing peoples’ browsers with tons of annoying embedded junk in your profile. Are you okay with that? Does the idea of a social networking site that is actually USABLE appeal to you? Even if it means you can’t make your page display blinking purple text on an animated rainbow background with Aqua’s “Barbie Girl” playing every time the page loads?
Yes, you can probably add some “pimp” apps or something if you really want to, but to do so you’re missing the point: Facebook and MySpace are completely different beasts. If you think a website with a white background looks “boring,” if you can’t go a day without filling out a survey and posting it as a bulletin, and if you can’t stand the idea of only being friends with actual people on a social networking website (as opposed to inanimate objects, abstract concepts and Tila Tequila), well, then maybe Facebook isn’t the place for you.
Or maybe I’m wrong. Feel free to throw a sheep at me and let me know.
Last 5 posts by Ross Wolinsky
- The 5 Lamest Forwarded Emails (And Why Your Mom Loves Them) - November 19th, 2008
- The 5 Biggest News Stories You Missed During Election Season - November 6th, 2008
- "I Have Brain Cancer": 6 Amazing Non-Sex Scenes from Porn - October 21st, 2008
- 15 (Worthless) Things We Learned from the Town Hall Debate - October 8th, 2008
- Porn, Pizza and Awesome Roller Coasters: Vote Wolinsky In '08 - September 24th, 2008
November 22nd, 2008 at 3:03 am
I know a girl who breaks #10 all the time. She posts at least two surveys a night and hates facebook.
November 22nd, 2008 at 12:59 am
“Всегда приятно читать умных людей”
November 21st, 2008 at 9:44 pm
“Ты один из немногих, кто действительно хорошо пишет”
November 21st, 2008 at 7:36 pm
отлично!!! Все супер!
November 20th, 2008 at 8:33 am
#11: don’t ‘friend’ your mom. duh.
November 20th, 2008 at 7:43 am
they are up there with putting your credit card details and street address on you facebook page.
November 19th, 2008 at 11:18 pm
**required reading
November 19th, 2008 at 11:17 pm
this should be required for facebook membership. although i would also add “don’t say bad things about somebody’s friend in a wall post unless you WANT them to see it, too.” its funny when people do this, and then get upset about the consequences.
November 19th, 2008 at 7:18 am
“шикарно”
November 18th, 2008 at 10:10 pm
Какая прелесть!!!!!!!!!!!!)
November 18th, 2008 at 9:16 pm
This is beautifully written.
I agree with ever word in the most heartfelt way!
Especially about the intoxication part.
LOlz OMg LeTz Be MySpAce FreNzzz~~~~~~~!
November 18th, 2008 at 9:02 pm
круто..взяла почти все))
November 18th, 2008 at 6:33 pm
тема реально старая
November 17th, 2008 at 10:54 pm
Невероятно красиво!
November 17th, 2008 at 9:40 pm
=))))))
November 17th, 2008 at 8:29 pm
Классно!
November 17th, 2008 at 7:08 pm
“познавательная тема”
November 17th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
ммм)) так клёво))
November 16th, 2008 at 9:11 pm
просто афигенно!!!!))
November 16th, 2008 at 8:12 pm
“Класс”
November 16th, 2008 at 6:55 pm
Напомнили….Точно, все так.
November 16th, 2008 at 5:45 pm
Случайно увидел. Не ожидал.
November 14th, 2008 at 9:26 pm
“ваш блог у меня в фаворитах”
November 14th, 2008 at 6:47 pm
фантастика!…
November 14th, 2008 at 5:22 pm
“Превосходно”
November 14th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
да,но это еще и не все…
November 14th, 2008 at 7:28 am
жжот))
November 14th, 2008 at 5:31 am
“Мне нравятся Ваши посты”
November 13th, 2008 at 11:29 pm
“Спасибо”
November 13th, 2008 at 9:12 pm
все может быть=))))))
November 13th, 2008 at 7:48 pm
“Всегда приятно читать умных людей”
November 13th, 2008 at 5:47 am
Было интересно посмотреть!!!
November 13th, 2008 at 3:31 am
Не пойму в чём дело, но у меня тока 2 картинки загрузилось. ((( А ваще понравились!
November 12th, 2008 at 5:12 am
Взял себе
November 12th, 2008 at 1:34 am
I still say that MySpace is better than Facebook. There’s a far more comprehensive listing of bands, artists, etc. To find new/local talent. My friend’s band once found an AMAZING local photographer to do their album art for DIRT CHEAP. You can customize your profile (extra ‘pimping’ is annoying, but it’s nice to have a black background with white text instead, or adjust the opacity of photographs, add slide shows, and embed a video from YouTube), build music playlists (that don’t necessarily auto-start), and as far as ‘FRIENDS’ go, your friends list is what you make of it. Not everyone on MySpace is a friends whore.
There’s no anonymity to Facebook, so you can get stalked a lot easier. While MySpace allows you to keep information entirely private, Facebook gives away your general location, possibly your school and graduation year, etc. Stuff that an astute person could use to track you down and rape you in an alley after meeting you one night in the bar, and then steal your purse and high heels.
Despite the negatives, I still manage a Facebook because some of my friends (who also have a MySpace) use it more.
November 12th, 2008 at 12:44 am
“Класс”
November 11th, 2008 at 11:37 pm
Мало чувств.. но красиво…
November 11th, 2008 at 10:29 pm
“Спасибо”
November 11th, 2008 at 9:02 pm
*Russian words*
November 11th, 2008 at 2:32 am
“здорово!”
November 9th, 2008 at 3:01 am
Класс! Афтару респект!
November 9th, 2008 at 1:54 am
хм…ну это памойму уже крайность…
November 9th, 2008 at 12:45 am
мдяяяя ….. *много думал*….
автору спасибо за пост !!
November 8th, 2008 at 11:40 pm
Отличная работа!
November 8th, 2008 at 7:11 pm
жжот))
November 8th, 2008 at 6:07 pm
потрясающие идеи…нам перенять бы …великолепно.
November 8th, 2008 at 4:58 pm
класс)мне понра)особенно!
November 8th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
мне нра) хорошая идея.
November 8th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
Ничего себе подборочка!!!!!!! Великолепно!
November 8th, 2008 at 8:24 am
Было интересно посмотреть!!!
November 8th, 2008 at 7:17 am
ух ты как крууууууууууутооооооо))
November 8th, 2008 at 2:41 am
прикона)
November 7th, 2008 at 5:45 pm
“решил помочь и разослал пост в соц. закладки. надеюсь поднимется популярность”
November 7th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
их больше было О_о
November 7th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
The convert becomes the preacher!
November 7th, 2008 at 9:52 am
Great post, I’m glad someone is finally taking a stand against all this facebook crap… at this very moment a friend of mines status is reading “does not want to do the dishes” - why in the name of all that is holy would she thinks that anybody, anywhere - gives a rats ass?!
November 7th, 2008 at 5:14 am
That was awesome!!
November 7th, 2008 at 2:48 am
“Добавил в закладки”
November 7th, 2008 at 12:37 am
“соглашусь с автором”
November 6th, 2008 at 10:27 pm
“Пост хорош”
November 6th, 2008 at 10:54 am
Well well well. I am guilty of half these things.
I shall now use this comment section as a private messaging function.
My manager is sitting directly opposite me and has just come back from the lady’s toilets. She has white powdery stuff hanging from her nose and there is smudged red marks on her chin. My friend, Charlotte, she reckons she injects heroin at the weekends and goes shopping in Asda on Sundays. She buys clothes from Tesco as well. I gotta go Asda tomorrow tho, cos, i need to get a Hannah Montanna t-shirt for my sister. She’s in my room right now. She says hi.
Is the russian flag, yellow, blue and red? Striped vertically or horizontally? Its quite a big country isn’t it. I like to play Geo Challenge on Facebook. I sort of know where countries are now.
November 5th, 2008 at 6:26 pm
“5ка”
November 5th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
“Спасибо за такой пост”
November 5th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
ну что тут скажешь…
November 5th, 2008 at 12:50 am
Очень интересно! Судя по некоторым откликам ….
November 4th, 2008 at 7:17 pm
“ваш блог у меня в фаворитах”
November 4th, 2008 at 5:58 pm
“Мне нравятся Ваши посты”
November 4th, 2008 at 5:04 pm
“Побольше бы таких статей”
November 4th, 2008 at 7:32 am
их больше было О_о
November 3rd, 2008 at 10:10 pm
“Прикольно”
November 3rd, 2008 at 8:00 pm
“Мне нравятся Ваши посты”
November 3rd, 2008 at 10:17 am
Интересненько=)
November 3rd, 2008 at 12:00 am
забавнo
November 2nd, 2008 at 10:54 pm
И правда креатив…супер!
November 2nd, 2008 at 8:41 pm
“Очень хороший”
November 2nd, 2008 at 7:28 pm
Это должно быть в цитатнике
November 2nd, 2008 at 4:52 am
мило!
November 1st, 2008 at 9:26 pm
Спасибки)))))) в цитатник!
November 1st, 2008 at 7:25 pm
ha ))
November 1st, 2008 at 10:40 am
Смеяться не грешно, но признаваться в этом при чтении подобной информации по крайней мере удивило меня!:))
October 31st, 2008 at 9:17 pm
Спасибо!, в цитатник!
October 31st, 2008 at 8:11 pm
Большое спасибо! Есть ещё повод получить удовольствие… С вашего разрешения, беру.
October 29th, 2008 at 4:08 am
Кто как думает, повлияет ли кризис на итернет? Я так подазреваю что безусловно, подвижки уже есть.И это очень печально(((
October 26th, 2008 at 2:59 am
Ohh, the apps thing is dead on. I can’t stand getting a bazillion apps requests - “Someone has thrown a football at you! Would you like to throw one back?” What kind of guilt trip is that? Suddenly my dependable mundane visit to facebook is complicated by people I barely know wanting me to participate in imaginary games that scare me. If these people phoned me and said , “I just threw a sexy toad at you, would you like to throw one back?!?!”, I would hang-up, and then pick-up and dial the crazy house. The only difference is I get a little graphic on facebook of a sexy-toad. Which is nice.
October 21st, 2008 at 9:44 am
hahahhaah u r the king!!!
this are the best commandments i ever seen!
so now i have easyer way to show my friends that my 194832748 request will never been approved!
gifts are only good cuz cant everyone send me real present for b-day or some important day!
October 18th, 2008 at 5:34 pm
Thanks for the Commandments. It has been quite a while since I laughed so hard that I nearly pissed myself.
October 18th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
I have to admit, I did the gift thing for my birthday. I announced that it was the thought counts and no one can afford presents anyway, so leave a cyber-gift. Since the economy still sucks, I’ll probably do that for christmas, too.
October 17th, 2008 at 10:12 pm
“if you send me one more message i’m calling the cops.” aww poor ross. does he get that often?
October 15th, 2008 at 8:59 pm
“Thou shalt not become a fan of everything you’ve ever heard of”
October 15th, 2008 at 3:26 am
превосходное качество у фото, итересно на какой фотик фоторграфировали?
А так просто супер=) Тут
October 10th, 2008 at 5:38 pm
FEEL FREE TO THROW A SHEEP AT ME AND LET ME KNOW…
Oh my… I just squirted Coke through my nose…
October 9th, 2008 at 11:19 pm
[...] to follow. I am sure you can see why they make sense… I have shamelessly stolen them from this (must funnier) post, but that doesn’t make them any less true and [...]
October 9th, 2008 at 5:46 pm
Myspace and Facebook are not “completely different beasts,” they are one in the same. One finds that most who have one have the other as well. They are both reasons to stick a revolver in my mouth in front of schoolchildren.
October 6th, 2008 at 4:51 pm
[...] 10 Commandments of Facebook The 10 Commandments of Facebook | Cracked.com A must read for facebook users. I seriously lol’d. __________________ Chronic CTS sufferer, [...]
October 6th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
11. Thou shalt not take a silly website so seriously and write a blog about the rules of conduct for facebook.
Um get over yourself.
October 4th, 2008 at 10:16 pm
how about “thou shalt not become a fan of everything in existence”
October 3rd, 2008 at 3:17 pm
this is ace and so true!!!!
October 2nd, 2008 at 4:56 pm
This rules suck
October 2nd, 2008 at 1:53 am
People should stop bitching about the new Facebook. Sure it looks clustered and confusing at first but it’s actually a lot more convenient than the first one. People are just hating on it because they’re used to the old one. Evolve, people! Give it a couple days and stop griping over nothing.
October 1st, 2008 at 11:02 pm
Ross Wolinsky, you are fantastic.
Please publish a book of codes to live by. Everyone needs to know how not to be a fool.
September 30th, 2008 at 10:18 pm
The Facebook 10 commandments were one of the funniest things I have read all week! No sheep (puppy, kitten or rabbit) throwing at you!!
September 30th, 2008 at 6:05 am
11 Thou Shalt Not Tag Every Bloody Thing In The World On The Right Side Of This Article
September 29th, 2008 at 6:10 am
Facebook suck, everybody hates me because i don’t use it and call it fuckbook.
12:Thou shalt not use Facebook at all!
September 28th, 2008 at 11:47 pm
Facebook is evil.
11. Thou shalt not stalk your friends.
That guy in point 3 is “Skullboy” from Montreal btw. Lol. Lots of people DO know him.
September 28th, 2008 at 5:05 pm
Facebook seem to be able to set their alogrithms to catch people who are spamming, maybe they need to update them a bit and take out some of the other offenders you mention in your list.
I love Facebook and if anyone is reading this would like a free guide on how to use Facebook for business feel free to click on my signature and get a copy from my blog.
September 27th, 2008 at 11:20 am
Lol, this site should have had an ‘Post to your facebook profile’ link xD
September 27th, 2008 at 2:27 am
I already wrote this post on my blog almost a year ago and now you’re getting credit for it? Thanks for being totally unoriginal.
http://theyuppielifestyle.blogspot.com/2007/10/yuppie-facebook-profile.html
September 27th, 2008 at 12:28 am
There should be a commandment called : “Thou shall not reaveal your personal life(or desires) on your status .(nobody cares…)
September 26th, 2008 at 9:18 pm
Brilliant article! The gifts one is my favourite - and I agree it warrants its own rule. I can’t stand the idea of virtual gifts. I usually tell people: “Would you think it normal for me to write down the words ‘cute panda’ in pen on a small scrap of paper and hand it to you as a present? Does the scrap of paper change in value if I write ‘Mercedes Benz’ on it? No? Well, then why is it ok to send me a bunch of 1s and 0s that supposedly represent a panda, and call it a gift?”
September 26th, 2008 at 12:48 am
i totally agree with those…there are a lot of things i hate about facebook but i still hate myspace more
and can anyone explain this spam that i received? “paris hilton’s vagina bites mailman!”
September 25th, 2008 at 5:37 am
Throwin a sheep at someone in real life sounds freakin awesome!! Am intae it!!
September 25th, 2008 at 3:24 am
When my panda went insane and started killing people, I ran ahead of it spraying people I don’t like with eycalyptus - then I thought “Shit! That’s koalas!”
Also, great article.
September 24th, 2008 at 10:15 pm
DEAD on commandments!
i’m surprised to know many people know and love confederacy of dunces!
September 24th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
lol! I love the 10 commandments! It sure does serve a purpose for us facebook users and for new users too. The principles stated here are humorous, yet rational for the typical facebook user.
September 24th, 2008 at 6:41 am
diet phentermine weight…
Morocco dilutes pricking ambivalence.bluffs misled …
September 24th, 2008 at 3:32 am
Throw sheep…..?! Have you read “A Simple Guide to Understanding Jet Engines” then? See:
http://www.jetenginebooks.com”
Nice set of rules, though - I approve wholeheartedly even ‘though I don’t know what a ‘poke’ is.
September 23rd, 2008 at 10:26 pm
I laughed so hard that I cried after reading the first paragraph #6 on this list. Genius, Ross. And I am indeed guilty of violating one or two of these.
September 23rd, 2008 at 5:30 pm
Everybody desperately wants friends, but people don’t get along well enough to make friends with everyone. That’s why we have the internet! Everyone can be our friend there!
September 22nd, 2008 at 5:54 pm
[...] non è fatto per te. Traduzione (libera e approssimativa) dell’articolo di Ross Wolinsky, qui nella versione [...]
September 22nd, 2008 at 5:51 pm
[...] I couldn’t agree more with these- 10 Commandments of Facebook [...]
September 22nd, 2008 at 5:02 pm
JUST so we’re clear, i might be out of context here… VAL might be referring to another post, and if so, i apologise to VAL unreservedly … i was supporting ROSS in this ‘net fiasco. I only realised that 5 seconds after i clicked “submit…”
either way, i hope my post still holds true…
September 22nd, 2008 at 4:57 pm
i’m not too sure what you’re on about VAL, but there was never a case of “telling them how to live their lives” in this article… and the fact that you even mentioned that he has a “very sad and boring live [sic]” just cements the fact that you, in fact, are someone that “enjoys” a somewhat sad a boring “live” for even commenting on this article…
…but who am i to judge right? i would imagine a brisk talk with a stranger, and … i dunno, picking some flowers? that might just alleviate some of your social qualms and ‘net superiority, and, in the long run, maybe hook you up with a creep that enjoys a dodgy smile from someone picking flora in a state park…
different words. same premise.
but like i said. who am i to judge?
September 22nd, 2008 at 4:27 pm
The fact that you care about this supposedly “annoying stuff” so much to sit here and type up rules (you’ve, I am sure, thought long and hard about) shows that you have a very sad and boring live…
go take a walk, dude. I don’t know…pick some flowers, smile at a stranger or something. And stop structuring everything and everyone around, telling them how to live their lives..
September 19th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
kingmonkey 2.014, there is nothing wrong with Livejournal! It doesn’t have all the ridiculous apps or obnoxious layouts like facebook or myspace. How is it any different from blogspot?
September 19th, 2008 at 5:56 am
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http://alotofit.com
September 17th, 2008 at 10:47 pm
11. Thous Shalt not Bitch about the new (better) format.
September 17th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
HAHAHAHHAA I LOVED every single one of them!! Hmm .. let me go share this on Facebook
September 17th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
i like cheese
September 17th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
id like fires with that….o man these commandments suck balls…like me!!!
September 17th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
hi
September 17th, 2008 at 11:37 am
Thank god I’m not the only one who understands. This will be passed on to ALL my friends. Thanks dude.
September 16th, 2008 at 9:30 pm
Yeah and those stupid gift things cost MONEY! Who pays for someone to buy this little PICTURE for somone. blah…
September 16th, 2008 at 8:31 pm
[...] » The 10 Commandments of Facebook | Cracked.com The rise of social media has made it easier than ever to keep in touch with friends, relatives and coworkers. With a few keystrokes you can reconnect with an old high school buddy, learn what your coworker’s favorite band is, or play Scrabble with a friend who lives on the other side of the globe. [...]
September 16th, 2008 at 11:54 am
Two Hundred and Thirty BITCHES!
YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
September 16th, 2008 at 4:49 am
[...] was going to say Fried O’Nions, but thats out of order), you should eat naked to lose weight, Facebook have Commandments, and Phillip Seymour Hoffman isn’t convinced that he’d be a good Penguin for the Batman [...]
September 15th, 2008 at 11:06 pm
Ok, apparently I missed the memo that Facebook is the “grown-up” version of Myspace. Everyone I know has a Myspace, very few have a Facebook. Oh, and btw, I am 29 and a college graduate, just to clear that up. So what, like Facebook is Frasier, and Myspace is My Name is Earl? Well, sorry, maybe I’m simple white trash, but I choose Myspace with all its goofy glitter graphics and embedded junk any day. Except the apps though. Those truly are annoying on both social networking sites…
September 15th, 2008 at 8:58 pm
As far as ‘Stutus Updates’ go, many girls often seem to post their ‘emotional’ status rather than something they are physically doing or are engaged in, as if it’s a plea for therapy, counseling or a backhanded ‘I’m sulking now’ to their Boyfriend/lover, etc.
September 15th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
Facebook 10 Commandments? Give me a freakin’ break.
To those of you who actually follow a list of 10 Facebook Commandments;
Please do us all a favor and join LinkedIn. Call me a heathen, but people who carry a list of commandments around in their back pocket are too prudish for my friend list. But honestly, these are ones that should be subject to suspicion. You know, those people who are on Facebook on a daily basis, adding a million friends, yet, they never seem to post anything about themselves, and probably know everything there is to know about you? It makes me wonder what sort of covert operations they have going on. I think it’s ironic when people join facebook to socialize and then add so many friends that they stifle their self expression. Oh no, Susie Soandso might get the wrong idea about you. If you are in that much fear about offending someone, they probably shouldn’t be your friend. Be yourself people. And if you can’t, feel free to voyeur my page and live vicariously through those of us who don’t hold back much.
September 15th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
[...] feed. Thanks for visiting Ignite Social Media.I read a very funny post the other day listing the 10 Commandments of Facebook. After getting to Commandment 10 (”Thou Shalt Not Act Like You’re [...]
September 15th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
i personally agree with sexlady1234569 she is so right….i mean im gay so he isnt that attractive to me i like girls
September 15th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
WOWOW THAT IS SUPER DUPER COOL! i love the dude hes hottttt my bf!!FO SHIZZLE
September 15th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
Liz… your friend’s comment was entirely unsettling to me. Who in their right mind would advertise they got fingered by ’some guy’?
September 14th, 2008 at 7:50 pm
[...] Check Out This @ Cracked [...]
September 14th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
[...] back. My message to any facebook user who is complaining is that I would like you to read the facebook 10 commandments and take note of number [...]
September 14th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
[...] September 15, 2008 in Uncategorized The 10 Commandments of Facebook [...]
September 14th, 2008 at 1:10 am
though*
September 14th, 2008 at 1:09 am
Just logged into facebook and you know the home page and how it shows what people write on other people’s walls.. well someone broke commandment number 4… here it is “hahaha i went to my first frat party last nite i got hammered, got fingured by some guy nd threw up all over my bathroom.so having to much is deff a possiblity.” EWWW. Nice article thought =]
September 13th, 2008 at 7:41 pm
hehehehehehhe….lmao!!
September 13th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
thx 4 + !
September 13th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
[...] As if he was reading my mind here’s Ross Wolinsky, proving that if a person can be annoying using the internet, they will. posted under [...]
September 13th, 2008 at 6:57 am
@Nerdlette,
It was easy. I just had to systematically make Ross absolutely despite me over a 9 month period. It came surprisingly easy to me.
September 13th, 2008 at 4:35 am
Jeez, this entire blog is essentially an advertisement for Gladstone and his internet fanclub base. Gladstone, what did you have to do to get Wolinsky to give you this kind of publicity?
September 13th, 2008 at 2:31 am
thou shalt not Bloooooooog the defecation of your excruciated and socially deprived mind.
September 12th, 2008 at 9:02 pm
That skull guy has nice eyes.
September 12th, 2008 at 8:58 pm
sick, now if only these were followed with the same dedication the original ones were. I’d say some facebook-related joke, but I think they’ve all been said
September 12th, 2008 at 5:19 pm
[...] has released their latest list. This time its the 10 Commandments of Facebook. I might have broken one or two of those [...]
September 12th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
http://www.new.facebook.com/group.php?gid=31068636565
September 12th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
[...] The 10 Commandments of Facebook, a funny yet informative post. I vote YES for adopting these [...]
September 12th, 2008 at 10:52 am
[...] but only because its true. Ross Wolinsky has had a revelation and published the authoritative ten commandments to govern Facebook. Here is the [...]
September 12th, 2008 at 7:42 am
[...] cracked.com, my favorite list makers, came up with their 10 Commandments of Facebook. [...]
September 12th, 2008 at 7:01 am
Thank you for not bashing the new facebook layout! Sure, separating recently posted pictures and profile information and wall posts onto different pages is rather inconvenient (as much as adding a single mouse click CAN be inconvenient) but I’d accept a freakin captcha for the ability to put all those stupid goddamned applications out of my face! How many times had I clicked someones profile to be greeted with the option to download 30 applications, and have to scroll down endlessly through “What kind of superpowers do you have?” and “Zombies I’ve bitten” to see anything meaningful. The new facebook is a credit to the designers realizing just in time that they were becoming just like myspace, and although it wont increase my usage of facebook (I wait until it emails me to log on) it at least gives me some respect for the designers.
September 12th, 2008 at 6:22 am
“By violating any of these rules, you will be violated by the blingee dog in your third eye.”
Does that mean your metaphorical minds eye or your physical brown eye?
September 12th, 2008 at 4:54 am
Amen
September 12th, 2008 at 3:08 am
[...] for me to join this online community (I assume because once everyone joins we form Voltron) and these ten reasons assembled in a convenient list are a good example of why I never, ever will. Holy shit, if someone “threw a sheep” at [...]
September 12th, 2008 at 1:32 am
…where’s the button to post this to my Facebook….
September 11th, 2008 at 11:09 pm
[...] "The 10 Commandments of Facebook" [Cracked] The rise of social media has made it easier than ever to keep in touch with friends, relatives and coworkers. With a few keystrokes you can reconnect with an old high school buddy, learn what your coworker’s favorite band is, or play Scrabble with a friend who lives on the other side of the globe. But while increased connectivity is an undeniably good thing, you can just as easily use it to annoy the living hell out of everyone you know. This is the internet, after all, and if something on the internet can be used in an annoying way, you can safely assume that 99% of the population will proceed to do so (go try reading a comment on YouTube if you don’t believe me). People need rules to tell them how to act. Luckily I went to the top of Mount Internet last night, and God handed me down these 10 Commandments of Facebook for all to obey. Follow them or you’ll go to hell. (tags: Internet_Phenomena) [...]
September 11th, 2008 at 10:42 pm
You mean fart wars isnt an acceptable application?
September 11th, 2008 at 9:18 pm
Bless you, Ross.
You are truly the messiah.
September 11th, 2008 at 9:08 pm
Great post. So many of these are true. Love the comparison between MySpace and Facebook
September 11th, 2008 at 8:40 pm
Hey! Leave Fela Kuti out of this!
September 11th, 2008 at 6:16 pm
Haha, good read. What’s the betting there’s a group on facebook for the 10 commandments though!…
September 11th, 2008 at 5:32 pm
[...] The 10 Commandments of Facebook "The rise of social media has made it easier than ever to keep in touch with friends, relatives and coworkers. With a few keystrokes you can reconnect with an old high school buddy, learn what your coworker’s favorite band is, or play Scrabble with a friend who lives on the other side of the globe." [...]
September 11th, 2008 at 4:48 pm
I couldn’t agree more…except for the gift application. My friends send free gifts that correspond with our private jokes. Always brings back funny memories.
re: status changing. You forgot to mention the drama queens who use their status as a cry for attention. For example:
Jane Doe…doesn’t want to talk about it.
If she doesn’t, then don’t bring it up!! Or when they childishly post their status in an evasive but obviously directed way at someone.
Sally Ann…wishes that certain people would get a life and move on.
Are we all in fifth grade again?
September 11th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
what is the point of even having a social networking page? It’s stupid to begin with. Oooo, i can logon and see a page by my friends. Woohoo! good for me. Now i know my friends are too stupid to design their own site and park it at a free web hosting company. Same damn thing with a little twist to make all the web newbies feel important. screw facebook and myspace.
September 11th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
@MBS - HOLY SHIT DUDE! You just accidentally discovered the secret to Lost. It’s all because of the LHC. The LHC fucked that island 9 ways to sunday and now it has spooky secret powers. What? that’s better than whatever bullshit they give us at the end of the series that is in no way going to live up the the hype built up over these years.
September 11th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
[...] 10 Commandments Of Facebook. [Cracked] [...]
September 11th, 2008 at 3:21 pm
Still, no one is sending me Facebook kittens. I’m offended.
September 11th, 2008 at 2:58 pm
Frick now I feel silly for being an adult with a myspace page but I do follow the facebook commandments and think they should apply to myspace users over 24 also!
September 11th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
Facebook? Ah, yes, the other overhyped social networking site that I’ve never used…
My senior-year roommate in college, though, he was your textbook case of someone who lives on Facebook.
We were in the same four-year degree program. I’ve since graduated, and he’s working on his sixth year…go figure?
I think his account has been deactivated/banned multiple times, but he keeps going back.
September 11th, 2008 at 10:54 am
I’ve never personalized a profile page but think it’s a good idea - why doesn’t Facebook allow that?? And does anyone else think the New Facebook is too complicated and cluttered? I liked the old style, one page, just to the point and simple. I open and scroll down - that’s it. Now when I open a friend’s page, I have to open four or more different pages to see their profile. Annoying and not worth the effort.
September 11th, 2008 at 10:52 am
[...] o Facebook, que já assumiu a primeira posição no ranking global. Com tanta gente nessa onda, o Cracked.com fez a lista dos dez mandamentos para participar do Facebook, que se aplicam a outras redes de uma forma ou de outra. [...]
September 11th, 2008 at 10:41 am
[...] The 10 Commandments of FacebookGuide to hipness. Funny. [...]
September 11th, 2008 at 10:35 am
Technically Fela Kuti is a dude, not a band. -,-
September 11th, 2008 at 10:28 am
So where am I supposed to go to talk about how much I love pepperoni pizza then?
September 11th, 2008 at 10:07 am
[...] http://www.cracked.com/blog/2008/09/10/the-10-commandments-of-facebook/ [...]
September 11th, 2008 at 10:01 am
[...] Facebook Ten Commandments Tagged as Kill the Noise, social networks+ Categorized as Productivity, Technology [...]
September 11th, 2008 at 9:47 am
[...] networking personas, Web 2.0 First off, I have to tell you about a very funny post about The 10 commandments of Facebook that you should [...]
September 11th, 2008 at 9:45 am
[...] Ross Wolinsky, do site Cracked.com fez uma lista bem humorada das 10 regras fundamentais para a boa convivência no Facebook, mas que deve ser levada a sério. Acho eu. [...]
September 11th, 2008 at 8:42 am
This is fantastic. I wish all people adopted this.
September 11th, 2008 at 8:03 am
Lizzz Says:
September 10th, 2008 at 7:45 pm
“A TEENAGE girl in central India killed herself on Wednesday after being traumatised by media reports that a “Big Bang” experiment in Europe could bring about the end of the world”
It does seem a bit superfluous to me. Why would you kill yourself to prevent something from killing you?
I hate to be the voice of reason here, but you’re wrong about the LHC. It already has destroyed the world. If you’d bothered to read Cracked’s 6 Scientific Experiments That Will Destroy the World you’d know that the LHC is going to create time travel. Therefore, due to the likelihood of a number of effects occuring at once, the destruction of the world has already happened in the past, but since the destruction of the Earth quantumly voodoo’d back into the past, time hasn’t had time to catch up with it. So basically, we’re all living in a world that is slowly being destroyed from the past. The Rapture has already come and gone, to coincide with LHC’s death ray: 17 people worldwide were already taken to Heaven, leaving the rest of us behind.
September 11th, 2008 at 7:37 am
josie, I have no truck. I just think since your island is mostly volcano it will explode out of sheer terror of the LHC. Yes your island has the abillity to feel fear.
September 11th, 2008 at 7:28 am
Great post! Why should I received “gifts” I don’t want? This is a new form of spam
September 11th, 2008 at 7:10 am
First!!
September 11th, 2008 at 6:51 am
Fuck you dude. Ross is just a Zionist Fashionista (did I say that right? Probably not, it has the word fashion in it, not fascist) who tells you what to think, what to wear, and what to masturbate to.
September 11th, 2008 at 6:12 am
I’m sorry, but if it wasn’t for drunk people desperate to reconnect with anyone from the days before life became too serious, Facebook would only serve half a purpose.
September 11th, 2008 at 5:40 am
This is the best ever, i have a ‘friend’ who changes her status like every 5mins ie: going to the mall, going to the mall with A, doing homework, going to bed, getting ready for school.
Thoese apps. are gay as hell but most people don’t know they can minimize the apps on others’ pages so that it doesn’t frezz your pc and won’t show up on anyones’ page anymore.
September 11th, 2008 at 5:06 am
[...] LEES Tags: facebook, regels, tien geboden Verwante berichten [...]
September 11th, 2008 at 4:59 am
orsum post. here in geneva LHC ok, no apeshit. next is test to see if they can fire a burrito all round the 27km ring. end of world next wed when they fire 2 burritos in opposite directions. mexico rulz.
September 11th, 2008 at 4:48 am
@ Wallsy, that is your best comment ever, I totally agree.
September 11th, 2008 at 4:26 am
There is a much simpler way to avoid all of these 10 basic rules;
thou shall suspend the facebookaccount.
September 11th, 2008 at 4:24 am
[...] Check out all 10 HERE [...]
September 11th, 2008 at 4:07 am
whoa, SOMEBODY here hates myspace.
September 11th, 2008 at 4:01 am
Im definitely going to post this on facebook and tag a whole bunch of people that violate these commandments!!! THANK U!!!!!
September 11th, 2008 at 3:53 am
The funniest part of this post is the fact that you think that FaceBook is somehow better and less annoying than MySpace. They’re both horrible, pointless abominations with no redeeming value whatsover.
Not wanting to judge it before I saw it for myself, I signed up for a FaceBook account. The signup process pissed me off. Once I’d signed up, I got annoying emails and alerts about shit I don’t care about and never signed up for. I looked all over the damn place but could not find one useful feature in the entire thing.
http://www.overcompensating.com/comics/20080903.png
September 11th, 2008 at 3:44 am
I am drunkkk and i posteen diss comment.. is this facebukk or smthing else…? whr am i,
September 11th, 2008 at 3:17 am
Methinks ’someone’ is a little to obsessed with facebook. Yes I prefer a background over a slab of white pixels that must make me SO immature.
September 11th, 2008 at 2:11 am
Ok Yarp…I’ll bite.
How dare you insult Ross like that! No one likes Nickelback, asshole! Choke on a throbbing meat stick you dumb fuck-tard.
Now it’s starting to sound like the Cracked comments section.
September 11th, 2008 at 1:07 am
Where’s Gladstone with the response?
September 10th, 2008 at 11:50 pm
what about writing on your own wall
September 10th, 2008 at 11:34 pm
Another thing that’s annoying is that with apps like the FunWall, it allows for fucking retarded chain letters. I once found out that my profile page had been made needlessly long because some dingbat sent me one that consisted of (I’m not exaggerating) no less than 150 lines that just said “??” over and over before it even got to the stupid message about bullshit.
@First: Some stupid things are ironically funny, but making your screen name “First”, saying “first”, saying it in all caps, saying it when your not first, and following it by numerous exclamation marks, are not. Please go eat a knife.
September 10th, 2008 at 11:28 pm
@ metal : Y2K = LHC. Speculation. Regardless, we (Hawaiians) are unaffected for we are the most remote landmass on Earth and nothing bad ever happens to us.
You have a truck. right? In case of a meltdown (you’re closer to the machinery, hon) I should get your truck..think..think..
September 10th, 2008 at 11:10 pm
what the hell is facebook?
September 10th, 2008 at 11:04 pm
Please, like that island you live on wont be the first thing to blow up when the lhc goes ape shit.
September 10th, 2008 at 10:59 pm
@Metalbrainsurgery : Actually, thanks for posting the news..I’ve (like everyone else) seen the rap video. Through Nadine of these very comments I learned yesterday, today was the day. I have not followed it -at all- since..
Have anything of value you’d like to teleport now for safekeeping?
September 10th, 2008 at 10:41 pm
comments sucked the funny out
September 10th, 2008 at 10:37 pm
[...] The 10 commandments of facebook (cracked) [...]
September 10th, 2008 at 10:29 pm
So I just looked up what they did with the LHC today, and all they did was fire 1 particle one way and then let the machine cool down. Then they fired one the other way and let it cool down. They wanted to make sure it was running at full capasity before coliding particles. Not sure when that is.
So I guess the world could still end.
September 10th, 2008 at 9:32 pm
I actually I like Fela Kuti quite a lot. That commandment was the one I used to break on facebook, but then I quickly realized it was retarded and tried to limit to like 20 bands, no movies, and whatever tv shows i make sure that i watch in that given week when I occasionally update.
The really sad thing about facebook is that it used to be awesome. When it was just college students (it came out my freshman year) - at first I resisted because i hate all things myspace, but eventually gave in because it became too much of a hassle not to have. Easiest way to invite people to a party ever. It was great. But then they kept letting more and more people on and allowing more apps and dumb shit on there.
Also, I totally just realized that the article that made me laugh the hardest out of every article I’ve read on cracked, made me laugh so hard i literally fell on the floor and was unable to breathe, was written by Ross. The Cliff Notes to Pussy Crook by Mystikal. To be fair though, Mystikal did most of the work.
September 10th, 2008 at 9:28 pm
[...] The 10 commandments of facebook (cracked) [...]
September 10th, 2008 at 9:27 pm
Good lessons for few!
September 10th, 2008 at 9:25 pm
@Josie: no not you or whats his name..
September 10th, 2008 at 9:22 pm
What the hell is facebook???
Wait a second…where am i?
September 10th, 2008 at 9:19 pm
Zarxxis does not like Family Guy.
September 10th, 2008 at 8:49 pm
some people should take these commandments into consideration
September 10th, 2008 at 8:45 pm
I just realized what this comment section was missing: A petty argument.
Ross is just a damned poser. As long as you let everyone know you like mainstream shit like Radiohead and Nickelback it’s OK. But as soon as you put someone who ISN’T a corporate whore on your profile you’re a douchebag who’s trying to impress people with his edgy tastes.
Fuck you Ross, you mindless sheep.
September 10th, 2008 at 8:38 pm
I always thought HBN was sort of Kafka-esque. Guess that explains that.
September 10th, 2008 at 8:12 pm
@ K Co: And that’s okay! If it works for you and your world is harmonious you needn’t defend it..
@ Glendoor: Yeah, about that Gunite..um..I may have sorta misrepresented the actual size and texture of said pool..
@Liz: Who, me and what’s his name should feel stupid? If yes, no, not stupid. Compassion, yes. Stupid, no.
September 10th, 2008 at 8:10 pm
That is fuc*ing hilarious! And so true!
September 10th, 2008 at 8:02 pm
But I like MySpace!
September 10th, 2008 at 7:53 pm
Thank you for reminding me why I don’t bother with Facebook in the first place.
September 10th, 2008 at 7:45 pm
“A TEENAGE girl in central India killed herself on Wednesday after being traumatised by media reports that a “Big Bang” experiment in Europe could bring about the end of the world”
You would have to feel pretty stupid now.
September 10th, 2008 at 7:43 pm
Actually, it was a 22,000 gal algae filled gunite pool. Don’t know where the one on your balcony came from.
September 10th, 2008 at 7:31 pm
I agree with number 9, but get more pissed at peeps who use their status in a “Look at me, look at me, im amazing/want sympathy” way. I have one Friend** who feels the need to update daily with things like:
“X is wishing Y would reconsider and give her another chance”
“X wonders when the hurt is going to go away”
“X knows she should take responsibility for her problems so she can grow”
**I believe the only reason anyone adds anyone on facebook is so you can snoop at their stuff. Or thats why I do anyway.
September 10th, 2008 at 7:22 pm
yay data mining! yay Einsturzende Neubauten! ooo how do i get the umlaut? what is that command…
September 10th, 2008 at 7:15 pm
So that’s why this algae-filled toddler wading pool is suddenly on my balcony!
September 10th, 2008 at 7:12 pm
@MBS they tested it early this morning and yes we’re all fine, except I have this strange dimensional portal where my pool us to be.
September 10th, 2008 at 7:01 pm
You forgot one including excess bumper stickers and things of the sort. People whose bumper stickers extend twice as long as the rest of their page should be shot.
September 10th, 2008 at 6:43 pm
Does everyone realize that the Large Hadron Colider was fired today? We are all still alive, and this is good news indeed. Or is it tomorrow that it gets fired? I’m preaty sure it was fired today.
September 10th, 2008 at 6:43 pm
Haha, actually I do like “Einstürzende Neubauten”!
September 10th, 2008 at 6:22 pm
@Doughmane: Kafka is Gladstone
September 10th, 2008 at 6:11 pm
Wait…I’m supossed to make a serious facebook profile?…here I was thinking that social networking sites are all about adding as much strangers as possible, just to share your list of made up Christian rock bands, your power rangers dvd collection, and a photo-album dedicated to your new pair of flip-flops, with.
September 10th, 2008 at 6:08 pm
That last one especially.
I think their should be an 11th for the Top friends application on facebook
–”These people listed here are my friends, but these are the people I want you to associate me with; so feel free to add me if you know any of them”
September 10th, 2008 at 5:55 pm
Because I don’t feel like looking through the comments, did anyone else notice that one of the facebook pictures was of Kafka?
September 10th, 2008 at 5:45 pm
I am one of Gladstones friends and I actually talk to him…