#5. Swear Words
These are basically the passive-aggressive "LetMeIn" people without that annoying "passive" part. They're the ones who actually tell their computer to go fuck itself, every single time they have to log in. Presumably it's because curse words are fun and easy to remember, and because a lot of humans secretly have the mindset of a 15-year-old. At least where passwords are concerned, we know that 10.2 million of them fit that bill ... and that's only counting the curse words in the top 50.
Unfortunately, by doing this, you're choosing the first words that are going to pop into someone's head as soon as they get pissed off that they can't figure out your password.
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"This stupid fu- Shit."
#4. "God" (and Related Terms)
Despite what frothing, screaming people on TV would have you believe, the majority of people are still at least somewhat religious, even if they're a little lazier about making it to Sunday services or Saturday "Wrestling for Jesus" matches -- I don't know how religion works. And apparently, about a million of those folks trust the Big Guy enough to protect their online accounts. Sadly, it appears that he has other stuff on his mind besides keeping your credit card numbers safe. Maybe that's his way of telling you to put a little more forethought into thy passwords before signing in to pound one off to Adventure Time fan erotica.
He can be here also.
Aww, isn't this sweet? I'm sure your computer would appreciate it if it weren't for the fact that it is a cold, precise machine and thus could never love a flawed human like you. Even if it could, I doubt "love" would be its prevailing emotion -- it would most likely hate you for all the disgusting shit you make it display.
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"Seriously, sushi? After last night's video?"
"ILoveYou" is such a weird password on its own, but when you find out that 4.5 million people use it, it becomes downright creepy. Is it aimed at the computer itself? Is it the password version of a subtweet? Is it the nonsense ramblings of an untreated schizophrenic? It would actually put me at ease to know it's that last one, because it at least sounds like a justified, reasonable explanation.
#2. Strings of Consecutive Numbers or Letters
From this point on, we've left behind those who mistakenly choose bad passwords, and now we enter the realm of people who just don't give a shit. This is Voyager leaving the solar system, looking back on everything we exist to maintain and silently giving it the finger.
These are passwords such as "qwerty," "12345," "abc123," "abcdef," "696969" ... you know, basically the password to every hacked computer in existence. The one every assistant manager uses because "computers are stupid." Passwords so simple, your cat could accidentally log you in by stepping on your keyboard. And if you think it's only a small group that does it, think again. We're talking a minimum of 21 million people. That's more people than the entire state of New York.
Unless you have some sort of disability where you can only remember the last thing you read, there's no valid reason to use this as your password. It is the equivalent of leaving your password blank. It's one step above just leaving your computer sitting unattended on a busy city sidewalk. Except instead of just yours, there would be 26.5 million of them, each with its own revolving neon sign flashing the words "PLEASE SHIT INSIDE ME -- I HUNGER FOR YOUR SHIT."
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Except if it's got Windows 8, in which case it's already full.
Look, I couldn't care less what happens to your information or what hackers do with it. All I'm asking is that you don't just open the door for them and invite them inside. At least make them work for it. Now go change your passwords before private pictures of your baby maker end up in some random porn ad.
For more fun word facts (such as the real origin of "fuck") and poop jokes and stuff, check out The Book of Word Records, available now at Amazon and Barnes & Noble! For other writing from Asher Cantrell, check out Weird Shit Blog.