Tama The Train Station-Managing Cat Speaks Out On Homeless Japanese People Living In Closets
Konnichiwa, my American friends!
It's me, Tama, the tabby cat who was made station chief of the Kishikawa train line in western Japan. As you may or may not know, I was just promoted to "super-station-master" an honorary title that basically entails more dried fish snacks on Wednesdays and Fridays, and a carpeted post I sometimes spray a filthy chemical on out of glands near my butthole.
Yeah, it's pretty sweet.
But Im not here to gloat. Im here to talk about a grave crisis facing our country. During the regular morning debriefing/tummy pat I get from the men at the station, it was brought to my attention that a homeless Japanese woman had been discovered living in the closets of unknowing apartment tenants.
When I heard, I spit out the hairball Id been working on and stopped purring mid-pat, which is no small event, believe me.
Naturally, as an important Japanese public figure, I felt it was my responsibility to weigh in on this. The startling fact is that a 58-year-old woman has been living in the closet of an elderly man for several months, using the ninja skills all we Japanese have to evade detection. And that makes me want to hide my tiny kitten eyes with two adorable paws and weep.
Japan is the greatest country in the world. This is a place where, totally unaided by any natural advantages, a humble tabby cat such as myself can rise to such a position that a flick of my whiskers determines whether a train makes it to Okanawa on time, or is derailed in a violent explosion.
At least, thats what I used to believe. But nine long years of life have shown me a different, harder side of Japan. That such a great country could allow one of our elders to be disgraced in such a fashion, that she would be forced to stoop to sleeping in a closet, makes my three stomachs turn. I know cats only have one stomach; I purchased some extras after the promotion.
And so, I have decided to return the favor that was done me, and help this poor woman. Tatsuko Horikawa, if you read this, I am officially offering you a position at the train station. Its not glamorous, but then, we cant all be super-station-masters.
Im not going to pull punches; it involves a litter box and a scoop. But youd be making a living wage, have a place to sleepmy old, non-gold cotand you can spray my post with your anal glands whenever youd like.
Maam, I am offering you the dignity you have been denied. Come, work for me, a cat train superintendent, and recapture your lost self-respect.
I leave you with an old saying from my people:
meow meow meow hiss purrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Yours,
Super Station Master Tama ^___^
When not blogging for Cracked, Tama the cat serves as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!
holy shit theres a train to Okinawa now? or...I guess..more accurately to the article...holy shit there's a place called Okanawa now?
Reply[...] Tama the cat is no ordinary feline. She’s station chief of the Kishi train station in Wakayama Prefecture in Japan. It all began when Japan’s Kishigawa Line switched from manned to unmanned stations in 2006 to save money. Local small business owners and employees were selected to greet passengers; except in the case of Kishi, where Tama was made the station master in 2007. Tama’s duty is to greet people. Her salary is cat food. Tama’s sure been good for business: it is estimated that she increased traffic by 10% and added 1.1 billion yen to the local economy. Tama was promoted to super station master in 2008 and is the only female in the company in a managerial position. She has two cat assistants and an office. [...]
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Not that weird, think about it , the Spambots are obviously coming from China.
ReplyWhoa... lovebigbeauty just fucked up my logic gland with that last post.
ReplyBig boob dancing videos?
Reply@Glendoor42: It is an historical truth that Eastern European basketball players are hairy and don't have many vowels in their last names. Refute that, sir; I dare you.
Reply@Kingmonkey: One thing's for sure, "Picture" was written by a Wilde animal.
ReplyAnimal Farm was a collective piece actually written by farm animals, who have a much better grip on the complex socio metaphorical undercurrent of their society than humans think.
ReplyAh, but you forget, smashpro1, that a cat wrote The Joy of Sex, without which, some of us might never have been born!
ReplyI believe a ferret or small otter wrote The Picture of Dorian Gray.
Mr. Jensen you stated "In other words, because historical truths". Historical truths are subjective. I would be interested in hearing what you consider historical truths for any nation.
Reply@kingmonkey+1, Great Gatsby sucked so it is entirely plausible that a cat wrote it. All the great literature came from dogs: Series of Unfortunate Events, Brave New World, Hitchhicker's Guide to the Galaxy, etc.
ReplyThe US educational system is highly decentralized, each school district is able to select whatever text it wants to use, students in a lot of high schools are exposed to diverse viewpoints (when they, you know actually do the work), in a lot of schools they read things such as The People's History of the United States, which leads to a bunch of punk kids running around parroting the fact that the Founding Fathers were slave owners or that Christopher Columbus was an opportunist and a jerk. Of course, because Americans don't tend to take history as seriously as say, the Japanese or the Europeans, this doesn't really have any significant ramifications on our domestic or international policies.
ReplyIn other words, because historical truths are considered unimportant by the average American, they are widely available and fairly objective. But in places where history is considered very important (Europe and especially Asia), history is considered a strong source of national identity and is usually well controlled either directly or indirectly by the government. A lot of times too this boils down to territorial disputes, certain nations are prone to defining other peoples' territory as being historically theirs, and then invade it.
The US doesn't look for historical legitimacy in its actions, but rather legitimizes its actions through references to "liberty" or "freedom", or maybe "progress" (when we were aping the British).
So we agree: kill japs in some fashion that doeasn't make people sick and give the country to the cats.
ReplyYou're right.
ReplyLast week, some old farmer swallowed a bunch of pesticides, got to the hospital and the fumes coming out of his throat made at least 20 ppl in the hospital sick.
The farmer died.
What i really fucking hate are people who jump in front of trains to kill themselves.
Nothing like making millions of people late.
Dicks.
The only depressing death-related news I've read from Japan is those absolute bastards who have begun committing suicide with toxic fumes. They mix together househould chemicals and create a noxious cloud that not only kills them, but also sickens everyone else in the apartment building.
ReplyIf you're going to kill yourself, try not to take anyone with you. The saying misery loves cmopany does not apply here, you selfish pricks!
No way Ca(s)nadians!
ReplyEveryone here (in Japan) loves Canada for some reason.
i think they see it as the not evil America.
Hey Swaim, you're up on your Japan pointless news... did you hear about the man a couple weeks back who killed a girl in her apartment and then he chopped her up into small enough pieces to flush her down the toilet?
Last year there was a young man near my house who got pissed when his sister made fun of him for repeatedly making fun of him failing dental school entrance exams so he killed her and then chopped her up?
Or some boy near my house who killed his mom and chopped off her limbs. He then carried most of her body to the police station and admitted that he killed her. The reason: he wanted to see what she whould look like stapled up to the wall.
What a fucked up place eh?
This was one of your better blogs Swaim. I'm not only willing to pat you on the back for this one, but touch your scrote as well.
ReplyI'm with glendoor42 on the US/native americans: We've made admends for the whole "genocide" thing by putting their likenesses on the tackiest truck-stop shit our great nation can produce.
Gladstone's cat writes his funny blogs.
Reply