Cracked Columnists

Tales To Tell 'Round Midnight: The Halloween That Was Actually Arbor Day

Jimothan Taylor reached for the best costume in the store with such haste that you could tell he really wanted it quickly. Someone, however, clearly wanted it quicker than Jimothan, because not only was there a person hastier in grabbing the best costume in the store, but there was also-No, that's it, actually. There was a person hastier in grabbing the best costume in the store. Jimothan was quite distraught as the hastier person bought the aforementioned hands-down best costume in the store and left.

Jimothan sighed, his arms wafting about as if to say "If only we could sigh, but sadly we are just arms." Yes, it was the kind of sigh that a stranger might speak up about, were they so inclined.

"Something the matter, guy?" a nearby stranger felt inclined to say.

"Something the matter, guy?" the nearby stranger asked.

"Oh, no, nothing," breathed Jimothan.

The nearby stranger had little to think about that day, so he pressed further.

"That sigh certainly wasn't no nothin' kinda sigh there, boy," pressed the nearby stranger. "What's the problem-o?"

"I sighed because someone else got the best costume in the store," Jimothan sighed again. "I really needed that."

"Yeah, I've been eyeing that costume for months, myself," said the nearby stranger, standing nearby. "It certainly was the best costume I ever seen."

The two stood there a moment, lamenting the fact that neither of them had gotten their hands on the best costume in the store. Minutes later, the stranger spoke up.

"Why are you so glum, though?" he asked Jimothan. "You can just get another costume."

Jimothan scowled. "How am I going to find a costume in time for my party tonight?"

"Why you havin' a Halloween party on Arbor Day?" the stranger asked.

"What do you mean?" asked a shocked Jimothan, all shocked and stuff.

"It ain't Halloween, kiddo," the nearby stranger explained. "It's Arbor Day."

This was too much for Jimothan, who immediately believed the nearby stranger. It was so too much for Jimothan, in fact, that he screamed quite suddenly and ran out of the store. The now faraway stranger shook his head and went back to his business, which is of no concern to you, nor is it any of your business.

The parking lot outside of the costume store was full of zombies, which was a mainstay of this particular town's Arbor Day celebration. Jimothan was baffled six ways from "I'm baffled," because Halloween was a zombie-free holiday in this particular town, and Jimothan could have sworn this was Halloween. The current zombie frenzy begged to differ, but beggars can't be choosers and the zombies certainly didn't choose to be in a frenzy, so maybe we should all just settle down and forget about the zombies for a second.

The particular town Jimothan was in was called New York City, and it was a mere shadow of the New York City you're probably thinking of (New York City, Ottawa). This New York City had but one main road with a gas station and a costume shop. The local school was run by the students, and the local students couldn't care less about running a school so, no, there was no school to speak of.

New York City didn't quite care for the theatrics of Halloween, nor was it fond of its ne'er-do-well attitude. Halloween was tolerated in this particular town, and by God if this didn't seem like the craziest zombie frenzy this town had ever seen (certainly not the kind of celebration one would see during Halloween).

"What the zombie?" exclaimed Jimothan in the manner one might exclaim "What the hell?"

This certainly was the time for exclamation, but not so much that we need to spend anymore time here. Jimothan made his way through the zombies and arrived home.

"How is your Arbor Day going, sweetie?" asked Jimothan's mother, Jimmifer.

"Horrible," Jimothan muttered. "I think it's Halloween for some reason."

"Well, it's not Halloween, dear," Jimmifer explained. "It's Arbor Day."

"If it's so much Arbor Day, then why aren't we going to the Frankenstein Feast? If it were Arbor Day, we'd be enjoying some delicious Frankenstein right now!"

"But, honey," Jimmifer began to say as she also began to put on her coat. "We are leaving for the Frankenstein Feast right now. Put on your coat, or you'll catch cold. You don't want the Ice Pumpkin to come and take your health for the season."

"Mother," Jimothan began to say as he also began to put on his coat. "I'm old enough to not believe in the Ice Pumpkin. That's just an Arbor Day myth."

"Nevertheless," Jimmifer opened the door. "We must not rely on the Vampire Campfire for warmth this year. Rumor has it a lot of the vampires are on strike."

"Mother, they're on strike every Arbor Day."

"Did you see the zombies, dear?"

"Yes, mother."

"It's Arbor Day, sweetie."

"I think it's Halloween."

"Nope. Arbor Day."

Jimothan looked up and realized that Halloween wasn't Arbor Day at all. It was Halloween. That stranger from earlier was crazy and everything else was a dream or something.

The End

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Cody Johnston

  • Rss

More by Cody Johnston:

See More

Other Columnists:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here

74 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!