Man Walking Into Glass (An Oldie But Goodie)

Back in the not-so-distant past, it was possible for someone to casually walk away after smashing their face into a plate glass window. Maybe a few people saw you do it, but once you got in your car and drove away that was pretty much the end of the story. For the most part, an embarrassing moment like that stayed between you, the plate of glass, and maybe the guy who corrals the shopping carts. It was a simpler time and we liked it that way.

But that was the not-so-distant past, and this is the not-at-all-distant present: one teeming with surveillance cameras in every public nook and cranny. In this crazy, futuristic dystopia, if you walk into a plate glass window and smash your face, there’s a pretty good chance that it’s going to be captured on camera, and if you get caught on camera smashing your face into a plate glass window, there’s a pretty good chance that it’s going to end up on YouTube. Bad news for you, the person whose face just got smashed, but for the rest of us here on the internet it’s nothing short of a blessing.

I feel bad for this guy to a certain extent. I’m sure that smashing his face on that plate glass window hurt like hell, and having thousands of people laughing at him probaby isn’t helping matters either, but at some point doesn’t our laughter make up for his pain? After a few thousand people have laughed at him on YouTube, doesn’t that outweigh his one moment of agonizing face-pain?

If I’m wrong we’re just laughing at other peoples’ misfortunes, but if I’m right? If I’m right we’re improving the net amount of happiness in the world by watching this guy smash his face on a plate glass window. Let me put it another way: We’re basically saving the world the world right now. Pat yourself on the back.

Elmo, North Philly Style

Being a costumed entertainer seems like a great gig, doesn’t it? You get to wear whatever you want under your suit, you don’t have to bathe, and the hours are probably pretty flexible. What do you really have to do? Jump around a little bit, dance with some kids for an hour or two, then collect your paycheck? Sounds pretty easy, right?

Wrong. True, personal hygiene is not a top priority for a costumed entertainer, but that’s because they have so much more to worry about. Try to understand: If a costumed entertainer gets called out to a Bar Mitzvah he has to speak at least a little bit of Yiddish. If a costumed entertainer gets hired to perform at a birthday party for the Mafia, he needs to know that they believe loyalty is very important. And if a costumed entertainer gets called out to a wicked block party in North Philly, he better come correct with some wicked-sick dance moves. The name of the game is versatility, and most people aren’t willing or able to provide that for minimum wage. That’s why you don’t see very many costumed entertainers these days. Unless you spend a lot of time at theme parks, I guess, but if you’re spending all of your time at theme parks, then you probably have bigger problems to concern yourself with. Stop worrying so much about the state of the costumed entertainment industry and go get yourself into therapy. Take care of yourself - you’re worth it.

On a related note, when did this become a thing? Why are there like 1,000 videos on YouTube of people dancing in Elmo costumes? How did I miss that?

Oh yeah - by being the whitest person on the face of the planet.

The Return of the Sexman

I’ve featured the unique YouTube stylings of Pruane2Forever here on the Cracked Blog before, and I’m happy to say that he’s still up to his old tricks, churning out video after video about everything from Keanu Reeves to Carlos Mencia from the relative safety of his bedroom. He’s been kind of blowing up lately: He got a shout-out from Attack of the Show recently, and his epic panning of the movie Jumper has been making the rounds in the last 24 hours, but I’d like to focus on a different video of Pruane’s; one that doesn’t involve movies, celebrities or “jackin’ it.” This video paints a much different picture of The Sexman than we’re used to. Apparently there’s a little boy underneath that tough exterior, and this is a video of that inner little boy doing what he really wants to do:

Playing with his father.

And there is nothing even remotely embarrassing about that, either. Everyone has videos on YouTube of their dads throwing them onto a bed these days, don’t they? Isn’t it pretty standard practice to have a slow-motion replay in the videos, too? You know - so the entire world can see each and every individual frame of you and your father sharing a tender embrace, just before you soar through the air with an enormous grin on your face, like it’s the greatest moment of your entire life? That’s what the kids are doing these days on the YouTube, isn’t it?

Oh - and I’m pretty sure they all make movies called “The Sexinator” too. This kid can do no wrong!

Awesome Video Of The Day

Screw You Porn Addicts

Like a lot of people, I’m FED UP with all the porn spam that’s being posted on YouTube. It’s been bugging me for a while, but I could never find the right words to explain myself. Finally our movement has found its voice. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Pruane2Forever¹.

It’s about time.

If this kid continues to spout sage advice like “stop jackin’ off, find a chick, and have sex with her,” I’m pretty sure our movement will begin to gain traction. Pretty soon YouTube will be a pristine internet locale, clean as freshly-fallen untrodden snow. All we have to do is get this kid’s voice out there to the masses.

I showed this video to a porn spammer² I know. Know what happened? He started bawling like a little baby, went home and signed up for an associate’s program at his local community college. I’m talking results here, people! Let’s get the message out!

Based on most of the 500 comments people have already posted in response to this powerful, moving video, I think we’re already making progress:

“lol, what a bullshit” - rubi84

“You don’t like porn? Fag.” - Peikon

“i hope you die in a car accident” - BKajun06

One user at a time, Pruane2Forever³. One user at a time.

¹ I would like to point out that, according to his YouTube profile, this kid’s name is “Sexman,” he’s 54 years old, and he owns a company called “Gang Bang Prodouctions” [sic]. That is all.

³ Be sure to check out his other videos, too, including a review of the new Rambo movie, a rant on why “Jerry Sienfield” [sic] sucks and this AWESOME fight he had with his dad.

In a stubborn, lagging acquiescence to the ceaseless tide of technology, the British Royal Family has officially acquired a Youtube channel and begun releasing videos, including the Queen’s annual “Christmas Address.”

Naturally, this transition to a new medium was not without complications, but as you can see from the compiled clips below, the old gal seems to be adapting quite well. Long Blog the Queen!