Dear People With Very Specific Skills Who Put Repetitive Videos Of Themselves Showing Off Those Skills YouTube,

First off, I’d just like to congratulate you all: You’ve created a new artform for the internet era, and for that you should be proud. I’m not going to deny that your videos are amazing, but I can’t help but wonder: What did you guys do before YouTube? Did you backflip into your pants whenever more than a handful of people were in the room? Was it hard to do it live because you didn’t have the luxury of editing out all the failed attempts? Did your friends & family get sick of you always trying to backflip into your pants at parties, or did they accept it as part of what made you a beautiful & unique snowflake?

Either way, you guys must be loving this whole YouTube thing, huh? You know - what with all the millions of people out there who haven’t seen you showing off your very specific skills. The view counts keep rising, the comments keep rolling in, and you’re left sitting there, watching it all happen and thinking to yourself, “Gosh! These people love me! They really love me!” I’ll be honest with you, people with very specific skills who put repetitive videos of themselves showing off those skills on YouTube: I’m not entirely sure why we, the YouTube viewing public, eat shit like this up with such a voracious appetite. Yes, your videos are impressive, and no, I don’t think I could backflip into a pair of jeans if I wanted to, but does that really explain why these videos end up being viewed by millions of people? Are we all just jealous of your unbelievably specific skills? I don’t think that completely explains it.

So why then? Why do the guys throwing bottles and sunglasses and jumping into pants get all the internet fame while more deserving characters (like the naked Japanese guy cooking mushrooms) fall by the wayside? I’m going to take a guess: It’s because people are more likely to forward a video of some guys throwing sunglasses onto each others’ faces than a video of a naked Japanese guy in a horse mask cooking mushrooms. People feel comfortable sending their parents and coworkers a video of some guys doing backflips into Levi’s, but a naked Japanese guy cooking mushrooms? Ehh… not so much.

So I have a challenge for you all today (and now I’m talking to all Cracked readers, not just the people with very specific skills who put repetitive videos of themselves showing off those skills on YouTube): I want you all to email the naked Japanese mushroom chef to a parent, relative, or coworker today with a message that says “Thought you would enjoy this LOL!” Let’s give the weirdos their due today.

Always quick to act, the Church of Scientology has officially revamped their Youtube channel, mere months after the Internet collectively made wet fart noises at them.

Their tiny number of subscribers, huge number of channel views, and disabling of comments and ratings kind of gives you an idea of where the CoS’s net cred stands these days. I guess they aren’t equipped to handle the kind of soul-crushing and surgically-precise criticisms the Cracked Bloggers must grapple with every day (ie, “gayyyyyyyy”).

In any case, I for one will be scrupulously poring over all the videos they post, as I’m still intensely fascinated by the giant sideshow they call a religion. So far, the most interesting one I’ve come across (okay, redubbed) is the below vid outlining the basic precepts of the faith, and the magic powers generated therefrom.

Now at least if I fail in Hollywood, I can always blame it on ticking off the Scientologists.

When not blogging for Cracked, Michael gets retarded in here as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!

Dear FatMan27183141,

Based on your 71 YouTube videos, your YouTube profile name, and your website URL, fat-man.us, I’m starting to get the idea that being fat is your “thing.” I don’t think you need to be ashamed of your size, FatMan27183141, but I’d like to take a moment to talk about this particular video and what it says about you.

I’m not gonna lie - you’re clearly overweight. Your gut is huge, your breathing sounds labored, and you’re probably at risk for all sorts of weird health problems I’ve never even heard of, but let’s face it - your belly hasn’t “come alive” and it doesn’t have any interest in “eating directly.” That’s just your way of saying “I drew a face on my unbelievably fat torso - here’s a video of me shoving potato chips into my own belly button.” That’s entertaining, FatMan27183141, but at the end of the day do you really feel like you’re living up to your full potential?

Chris Farley. Late-career Elvis. The McCrary Twins. These were men that transcended their fat and rose to greatness. Did they deny being fat? No. Did they try to sweep their fat under the rug and pretend it wasn’t there? No. These were men who CELEBRATED their fat, but always to some sort of greater end, and never just for the sake of fat itself.

Chris Farley would put on a tiny, ill-fitting suit, sweat profusely in it and then fling himself through a coffee table. Why? To make America laugh. Late-career Elvis would put on a form-fitting rhinestone-encrusted jumpsuit and sing his heart out. Why? Because people loved to hear him sing. The McCrary Twins? Sure they were fat, but more importantly, they rode side-by-side on tiny matching motorcycles to comedic effect.

Making a YouTube video of yourself being fat and smashing potato chips all over your gut? That’s easy. If Farley, Elvis, or either of the McCrary Twins were alive today they could probably do it, too, but WOULD they? No. Wanna know why? Because they all knew something that you clearly haven’t figured out yet: sometimes just being fat isn’t enough. Next time you make a YouTube video, we’ll be expecting you to either hurl yourself through a coffee table, sing a song about Las Vegas, or ride around on a tiny motorcycle.

The world is watching, FatMan27183141. Get on it.

Sincerely,
Ross Wolinsky
Cracked.com

Chris Crocker Is The Bomb!

Hey guys! It’s me - Michael Swaim! By the time you’re reading this I may or may not be on the front page of Digg with my new and hilarious Those Aren’t Muskets! sketch, but you know what? I don’t really give a shit about that right now.

I know what you’re thinking: “But Michael, you and your amazing sketch comedy group Those Aren’t Muskets! put your heart and soul into that video! After all that hard work and dedication, how can you sit there and say you don’t care about it?” I appreciate your sentiments, reader, but I can’t deny it: This Chris Crocker video has me completely captivated. I can stop watching it for brief periods of time, but I can’t stop thinking about it to save my life.

As you all know, I’m Michael Swaim. Being Michael Swaim means lots of things, but first and foremost, being Michael Swaim means hanging on Chris Crocker’s every word. What can I say? I love Chris Crocker and I love his videos. They’re just so… honest, you know? If you love me, Michael Swaim (and you know that you do), you know that I love Chris Crocker. Considering that, you probably aren’t surprised that I’m posting this video for today’s 9AMer (PST). There’s just not a whole lot to be surprised about here: I love Chris Crocker, I love posting videos at 9AM (PST), and I’m Michael Swaim. It all adds up, right?

I also love poop, balls, poopie balls, and rubbing my balls in poop. Me - Michael Swaim. These are the things I love.

But don’t forget Chris Crocker! As much as I love getting my balls all poopie, I think I might actually love Chris Crocker even more! Isn’t it great that he turned down all that money and fame so he can continue to say “fuck” on YouTube? Chris Crocker keeps it real! He’ll turn down a fat paycheck just to tell it like it is (with profanity)! That’s why I love Chris Crocker… almost as much as I love getting my balls all poopie!

Let me be clear here: If there’s two things in this world that I love as Michael Swaim (which is who I am), it’s a) the physical act of getting my balls all covered in poop and b) watching Chris Crocker videos.

Arrrgh! Don’t make me pick a favorite!

When not blogging for Cracked, Michael Swaim enjoys watching Chris Crocker videos, getting his balls all poopie, and being the actual, real-life Michael Swaim (which is who he is)

Drinking Liquid Nitrogen

When I was a little kid, I used to do all kinds of stupid things to impress people. In 2nd grade I told a bunch of people that my dad held the Guinness World Record for “Best Driver” (and that he trained for it by playing Spy Hunter). In 3rd grade I told a kid that I wrote the lyrics to “Sweet Child O’ Mine” for Axl Rose. I had a jacket with all these patches on it, and one of them said “AIRBORNE” on it; I told everyone that a pilot gave it to my mom after she gave birth to me on an airplane.

I stuck gum in my hair at some kid’s house like three times in a row because he dared me to. At first his mom tried to get it out with peanut butter, but that didn’t work very well, so she eventually gave up and cut it out with a pair of scissors. When I did it again a week later, she didn’t bother with the peanut butter. The third time I’m pretty sure she just kicked me out of her house for being stupid.

I used to gather a small crowd in the cafeteria at school, step on my food, and then eat it.

I could go on, but you get the point: I was a weird kid who was willing to do basically anything for attention. I’ve matured quite a bit since then, of course, and have now channeled that impulse and turned it into a prestigious and lucrative career blogging for Cracked.com, but sometimes I wonder, “What would my life be like if I had never learned to control myself?”

Then I saw this video and I was like, “Oh, yeah - I’d be drinking liquid nitrogen and putting it up on YouTube.”

The Poetic Prophet (aka the SEO Rapper) - Design Coding

Here on the Cracked blog I usually try to post videos with broad appeal, but today is going to be a bit different. Not to diss Poetic Prophet or anything, but there are really only a few specific circumstances where I can fully endorse watching this thing.

If you’re not into hip hop, this video isn’t going to be your cup of tea, but if you’re REALLY into hip hop, you’re probably going to hate it even more.

If you’re trying to teach yourself web design, best to keep moving along; if you’ve read ANYTHING about web design you probably already know all this stuff, and there are lots of websites with more useful information out there only a click away. On the flipside, if you have NO interest in web design, then this is all going to sound very jargony and nerdy to you.

That being said, I guess I would recommend watching this if you KIND OF like hip hop and KIND OF know stuff about web design but aren’t looking to learn anything new. Although that doesn’t really work either, because people who like hip hop even just a little bit would probably think this song sucks. Maybe this video is meant for people who 1) are vaguely aware that something called “hip hop” exists, 2) already know a little bit about web design and search engine optimization but aren’t looking to learn anything new, and 3) like music videos that are filmed in offices.

Actually, you know what? Just don’t watch this video. Seriously - it sucks.

The McCain Girls - It’s Raining McCain

Just the other day I had a great idea for a new business: a day care center where random strangers off the street pay by the hour to play with other peoples’ children. It’s awesome because I’d be getting money from both the parents and the random people off the street, and I wouldn’t even need any employees - it’d be just me sitting at a table, counting hundred dollar bills and laughing maniacally.

There would also be a juice bar.

It seemed like a great idea at first, but when I told a friend of mine about it he was like, “That’s the worst idea of all time.” Then he explained all the problems with the concept, and I was like, “Holy shit - you’re right. How did I not think of all those problems you just named?” That’s the great thing about having friends - when you bounce an idea off them, they’re usually more than happy to tell you that it’s terrible.

And that’s how I know that the three girls in this video are not friends. If they were, when one of these women approached the other two and said, “I have a great idea: Let’s make a video of ourselves singing ‘It’s Raining McCain’ and put it up on YouTube,” one of them would have said, “That’s a terrible idea.” If they were actually friends, when one of them wrote down the lyric “I’m gonna go out and let myself get absolutely John McCain,” don’t you think one of them would’ve been like, “That doesn’t even make any fucking sense - this is a horrible idea and I don’t think I want to be friends with you anymore”?

I’m actually starting to think this might have been made by Obama supporters - possibly the same people who made that horrendous Hillary Clinton song - but I don’t really have any time for further investigation; I have this business I’m starting and I’m supposed to be meeting with some of the investors later this afternoon. If all goes well, we’ll be the first all-in-one muffler shop/laundromat/erotic massage joint in America. What can I say? Some people are just born entrepreneurs.

Man Walking Into Glass (An Oldie But Goodie)

Back in the not-so-distant past, it was possible for someone to casually walk away after smashing their face into a plate glass window. Maybe a few people saw you do it, but once you got in your car and drove away that was pretty much the end of the story. For the most part, an embarrassing moment like that stayed between you, the plate of glass, and maybe the guy who corrals the shopping carts. It was a simpler time and we liked it that way.

But that was the not-so-distant past, and this is the not-at-all-distant present: one teeming with surveillance cameras in every public nook and cranny. In this crazy, futuristic dystopia, if you walk into a plate glass window and smash your face, there’s a pretty good chance that it’s going to be captured on camera, and if you get caught on camera smashing your face into a plate glass window, there’s a pretty good chance that it’s going to end up on YouTube. Bad news for you, the person whose face just got smashed, but for the rest of us here on the internet it’s nothing short of a blessing.

I feel bad for this guy to a certain extent. I’m sure that smashing his face on that plate glass window hurt like hell, and having thousands of people laughing at him probaby isn’t helping matters either, but at some point doesn’t our laughter make up for his pain? After a few thousand people have laughed at him on YouTube, doesn’t that outweigh his one moment of agonizing face-pain?

If I’m wrong we’re just laughing at other peoples’ misfortunes, but if I’m right? If I’m right we’re improving the net amount of happiness in the world by watching this guy smash his face on a plate glass window. Let me put it another way: We’re basically saving the world the world right now. Pat yourself on the back.

Elmo, North Philly Style

Being a costumed entertainer seems like a great gig, doesn’t it? You get to wear whatever you want under your suit, you don’t have to bathe, and the hours are probably pretty flexible. What do you really have to do? Jump around a little bit, dance with some kids for an hour or two, then collect your paycheck? Sounds pretty easy, right?

Wrong. True, personal hygiene is not a top priority for a costumed entertainer, but that’s because they have so much more to worry about. Try to understand: If a costumed entertainer gets called out to a Bar Mitzvah he has to speak at least a little bit of Yiddish. If a costumed entertainer gets hired to perform at a birthday party for the Mafia, he needs to know that they believe loyalty is very important. And if a costumed entertainer gets called out to a wicked block party in North Philly, he better come correct with some wicked-sick dance moves. The name of the game is versatility, and most people aren’t willing or able to provide that for minimum wage. That’s why you don’t see very many costumed entertainers these days. Unless you spend a lot of time at theme parks, I guess, but if you’re spending all of your time at theme parks, then you probably have bigger problems to concern yourself with. Stop worrying so much about the state of the costumed entertainment industry and go get yourself into therapy. Take care of yourself - you’re worth it.

On a related note, when did this become a thing? Why are there like 1,000 videos on YouTube of people dancing in Elmo costumes? How did I miss that?

Oh yeah - by being the whitest person on the face of the planet.

The Return of the Sexman

I’ve featured the unique YouTube stylings of Pruane2Forever here on the Cracked Blog before, and I’m happy to say that he’s still up to his old tricks, churning out video after video about everything from Keanu Reeves to Carlos Mencia from the relative safety of his bedroom. He’s been kind of blowing up lately: He got a shout-out from Attack of the Show recently, and his epic panning of the movie Jumper has been making the rounds in the last 24 hours, but I’d like to focus on a different video of Pruane’s; one that doesn’t involve movies, celebrities or “jackin’ it.” This video paints a much different picture of The Sexman than we’re used to. Apparently there’s a little boy underneath that tough exterior, and this is a video of that inner little boy doing what he really wants to do:

Playing with his father.

And there is nothing even remotely embarrassing about that, either. Everyone has videos on YouTube of their dads throwing them onto a bed these days, don’t they? Isn’t it pretty standard practice to have a slow-motion replay in the videos, too? You know - so the entire world can see each and every individual frame of you and your father sharing a tender embrace, just before you soar through the air with an enormous grin on your face, like it’s the greatest moment of your entire life? That’s what the kids are doing these days on the YouTube, isn’t it?

Oh - and I’m pretty sure they all make movies called “The Sexinator” too. This kid can do no wrong!