Note: For best results, hit play on the top video, let it play until the kid starts dancing, and then hit play on the bottom video.

Sometimes I have to make difficult decisions. Today I had to choose: Should I post the fat kid’s pantsless home workout video or the Saudis skating down the highway at 80 mph in their sandals? As you can see it was a very tough call.

I knew I could come up with some hilarious zingers about the fat kid exercising, but I already made fun of a child yesterday. I’m pretty sure that at some point you’re supposed to stop making fun of children, right? This little guy is probably too young to know that he’s just set himself up to be the next Star Wars kid, effectively ruining his entire life, and that’s not all that funny, I guess, but you know what is? Watching him flail around with no pants on. WHY ISN’T HE WEARING ANY PANTS?

So yeah, that one’s kind of a mixed bag - part funny, part gut-wrenchingly depressing - but the one with the Saudis skating down a freshly-paved highway? That one’s just flat out confusing. Why are they doing that, and more importantly, HOW? Not only does that look like the most dangerous thing of all time, but it also seems to defy the laws of physics. Also, the title of the video is “Only in Saudi Arabia.” When did Saudi Arabia gain this reputation for wackiness? I figured if I posted this one I could say something about that, make fun of the guys for wearing those Islamic man-dresses, drop in a few Darwin references and call it a day. Easy enough, but would I really have enough to say about it to make the text wrap ALL THE WAY AROUND THE VIDEO?

I was sitting on the couch, trying to decide which one to post. I showed them to my girlfriend, flipping back and forth between the two windows. “Which one of these is funnier?” I asked her.

“Use both of them,” she said without even looking away from America’s Next Top Model.

I pulled them up on the screen, hit play on both, sat back to watch them at the same time, and was like, “Whoa - these are actually pretty awesome to watch side by side.” Then I tried to find another video to use, but by then it was getting late, so, you know, here we are.

Man Caught Having Sex with Picnic Table

On its surface, this story appears to be pretty simple: just your average run-of-the-mill pervert-has-sex-with-a-picnic-table news blurb. Yes, this man had sex with a picnic table on his porch, and yes, this man did so within a stone’s throw of an elementary school, but there’s more to it than that.

Whether we want to admit it or not, we’ve all looked at the umbrella hole in our picnic tables at one point or another and thought to ourselves, “I bet I could have sex with that.” Some of us might have even propped the thing up on its side (just to see if the height thing would be an issue), and sure, maybe there was one particularly dark, moonless night when some among us might have even taken it a step further (just for a minute to see what it was like), but for most of us that’s as far as we’re willing to go. We’re members of a society that doesn’t permit that sort of behavior, and aside from momentary, alcohol-soaked, pontetially career-ending lapses in judgment, we play by the rules.

We understand that having sex with a picnic table in public is illegal.

Meanwhile the fat cats in Washington are in their private backyards, greedily humping away at their picnic tables and laughing maniacally. They hold crystal chalices full of Red Bull, vodka and baby blood (they call it an “Orphan Sunrise”) in one hand, and pens in the other - the very same pens they used to sign the legislation that made it illegal to have sex with picnic tables in the first place. Then they retire to their living rooms, exhausted and drunk after a long day of humping picnic tables and drinking Orphan Sunrises, and they watch this story on the news, shaking their heads and clucking their tongues as if to say, “Oh, how DESPICABLE.”

This isn’t a story about some “freak” and his bizarre sexual habits; this is a story about a class struggle in a system that rewards the rich while penalizing the poor. This is the story of an American everyman, a man who refused to let social mores dictate his behavior. This isn’t a story about a weirdo; this is a story about a HERO.

You know - a hero who dared to fuck a picnic table. On his front porch. While fully nude. In the middle of the day. Right next to an elementary school.

Pretty Much Everywhere, It’s Gonna Be Hot

What’s the matter, buddy? Are you all bummed out because it’s Monday and your weekend is over and you’re back at work, typing away in your little cubicle and drinking bitter office coffee while that bitch Grace - you know, the one in the next cubicle over - is blathering on and on about how touching last night’s episode of Extreme Home Makeover was? Did your boss just drop by to remind you that he needs that Powerpoint presentation by 3 o’clock, and that he wants it to have “pizzazz… but not TOO MUCH pizzazz”? Are you sitting there now, trying to figure out how to give pizzazz to a Powerpoint presentation about latex glove sales figures, and beyond that, if you actually do manage to give it some, how to know if it’s TOO MUCH pizzazz? Are you thinking about how much it sucks that you have to actually think about this crap while defeatedly double-clicking the Powerpoint icon?

Yeah, yeah - your 9-5 is sucking your soul and people aren’t made to live this way under harsh fluorescent lights and college-doesn’t-prepare-you-for-this-blah-blah-blah wah-wah-wah-boo-hoo-sob-sob. Loud & clear, lil fella - life is hard. I GET IT. I feel for you, though, and that’s why I’m posting this video today. Jobs are tough and Monday sucks and all that, but if you watch this video a few times in a row I can pretty much guarantee you’ll be in a better mood than you were when you started. Seriously - try it. I’ll wait right here.

Feeling better yet? I thought so.

As an added bonus, this “related video” of Arnold Schwarzenneger flipping out is pretty awesome, although what it has to do with a Haitian weather report is completely beyond me.

Well… That’s Horrible.

I’ll admit it: Sometimes I like to just hang out in the bathroom until well after the… err… how do I put this? Until after the… umm… proceedings have commenced. I don’t know if that’s supposed to be embarrassing or what, but there it is. When it comes to matters of the bathroom I’m usually not in any particular hurry.

Sometimes I’ll send out some text messages letting friends know what I’m doing. “LETZ DOOK IT OUT,” “DOOKLEAR EXPLOSION” and “ARCHDOOK FRANZ FERDINAND JUST GOT SHOT” are all popular ones, not to mention “DOOK THE RIGHT THING” and “PLAY ANOTHER SONG ON THE DOOKBOX.” When all else fails I’ll just go through the contents of my wallet or read the ingredients list on the back of a shampoo bottle. I do all kinds of things when I’m in the bathroom, but here’s the important part: eventually I get up and leave. I have other things to do on a daily basis that require leaving the bathroom, and to be honest, as much as I love sitting on the toilet I seriously doubt I’d want to do it all day.

Which is why when I read this article about a woman hanging out in the bathroom for TWO YEARS I was like “whoa.” What was she doing in there? Did her boyfriend bring her Sudoku puzzles to solve? If he was a good boyfriend he’d get her a Nintendo DS, or maybe move a TV in there or something. Oh wait - no, that’s wrong. If he was a good boyfriend he probably would’ve been like “Hey, uhh, you’ve been in the bathroom for a really long time. Maybe you should get off the toilet so the seat doesn’t become fused to your body.”

I could probably make a joke here about how women always take forever in the bathroom to get ready, but that’s kind of a tired and obvious joke, and I don’t know how to work the whole skin-growing-over-the-toilet-seat part into it, so I guess I’ll just skip that one altogether. Instead, I’m going to end with a question: Do you think the seat was padded? I sure hope so.

Fred and Sharon Want to Know: Who Needs A Movie?

Fred and Sharon might pretend like there’s some question involved here, but the truth of the matter is that YOU need a movie. Let’s face the facts: a video movie could improve pretty much all of our lives. Who do you think you are? You think you don’t need a video movie to documenting your last wedding, stage production or Quinceañera? You think Fred and Sharon don’t know what’s best for you?

Wrong on both counts, bucko.

Think about all those recent events you’ve had. Remember that birthday party? Remember how your buddy Abe kept doing his hilarious Borat impression? What about your great aunt’s funeral? Remember how Abe was doing the Borat impression at that one, too? Well let me tell you something about memories: they fade. You might remember your friend Abe screaming “Eez nice! I like!” at various inapproriate events today, but what about tomorrow? Will you remember his dated pop culture references in a few years? Will you even remember Borat at all? You might read a passing reference to Borat in some general interest magazine ten years from now and be like, “That reminds me of something, but I can’t remember what.” Then your friend Abe will be like, “I from Kazakhstan! I have sex with my sister!” and you’ll be like “WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE!?”

Eez nice.

La Pequeña Amy Winehouse

In case you haven’t heard, the Catholic Church has announced that some new sins have been added to the list. No joke. If you are a practicing Catholic, you now have seven additional “social sins” to worry about: everything from polluting the environment to using birth control to “excessive wealth” now constitutes a “social sin” and will totally make you go to hell forever.

What does this mean to you? Probably not a whole lot (unless you were about to throw a used condom off the side of your yacht), but I think there are a few more that need to be tacked onto the list:

I’m sure there are plenty more that I’m forgetting… anyone have any ideas?

Awesome Video Of The Day

Dancing Man Wearing A Horse Mask Cooks Wild Mushrooms (Probably NSFW)

This is the greatest video that I have ever seen in my entire life.

Hang on a second. I have to go get a mop - my head just exploded.

Yes - it’s a video of a mostly-naked Japanese man picking and cooking wild mushrooms. Yes - he’s wearing a horse mask and dancing. Why? That I couldn’t tell you. People do all kinds of weird stuff, I guess. When I cook wild mushrooms that I’ve hand-picked from the forests of Japan, I like to hum along to popular radio hits and make little farty noises with my mouth. Does that make ME a freak?! So I like to hum and make little farty noises. Big deal. We’ve all got our quirks - this guy’s just so happens to be that he likes to dance around naked in a horse mask while cooking potentially deadly wild mushrooms. Judge not lest ye be judged.

Okay, I’ll admit it - this video is completely fucking bizarre and makes me more than a little uncomfortable, but you know what? This guy is PUMPED to be cooking those mushrooms. He looks like he’s having the time of his life! Maybe it’s the expression on the horse mask faking me out… or maybe this guy is on to something. Maybe dancing around naked in a horse mask and cooking wild mushrooms is AWESOME.

Only one way to find out, I guess. Anyone got a horse mask I can borrow?

Awesome Video Of The Day

Live Action Garfield

I spend a lot of time here on the Cracked Blog making fun of stuff. Sometimes I make fun of idiots who genuinely deserve ridicule. Other times it’s people who probably didn’t really deserve it, people who innocently put themselves out there on the internet and happened to look kind of stupid at the same time. Does that make me a jerk? No - that makes me a BLOGGER. People looking stupid is what fuels the internet’s hilarity engine, okay? You know how they say you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs? Well you can’t make an internet without crushing a few souls, either.

But today is different! Today’s video is too special to make fun of, and the guys who made it are way too awesome to berate. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for LasagnaCat.com.

I’m not totally sure why someone decided to recreate Garfield strips in live action, but they sure did a good job! From the obsessive-compulsive attention to detail (even the background shading matches), to the ridiculous music videos, these clips just melted my face off with their brilliance.

They also make me a little bit nervous, though. Is this going to be the next big internet thing? Are people going to start making bizarre live action recreations of Dilbert and Cathy now? That would be okay for a while, but I’m worried that after it got old everyone would be like “Well, that was deranged - I can’t think of anything else” and the internet would be over. How can anything possibly top this?

I predict that by April the entire web will consist of eBay, Amazon, LasagnaCat and a handful of “MILF” porn sites.

Oh - and Cracked.com, of course. Only by April, Cracked.com will be a “MILF” porn site.

Awesome Video Of The Day

Bikini Body Builder Vs. Rubik’s Cube

Things got a little hectic last week. Between the heated debate over the merits of Guitar Hero and the public shaming of an awe-inspiringy douchey commenter (which backfired, incidentally), I slept for pretty much the entire weekend, waking occasionally to half-consciously eat stale crackers and play Halo 3. Needless to say it was an unbelievably restful weekend and I’m feeling completely recharged, but I’m still a little nervous. Last week showed me just how irritable you people can get, so I’m going to try my hardest not to post anything even marginally divisive this week.

That’s why I’m posting a video today of a female bodybuilder solving a Rubik’s Cube with a bunch of guys playing drums around her - as far as I can tell there’s nothing to really argue about. The guys play drums, the female bodybuilder solves the Rubik’s Cube, and that’s pretty much it. There isn’t really much open to interpretation here - except that part at the end, when she holds up the piece of paper that says “NEVER HIDE” on it. I don’t know what this says about me, but I actually thought that was actually the strangest part of the video. Then again, I solve Rubik’s Cubes with female bodybuilders on a semi-regular basis, so maybe that’s to be expected.

Whatever - I’m allowed to have a life outside of this blog, aren’t I?