Awesome Video Of The Day

Homemade Halo Suit

I know what you’re thinking. You’re watching this video¹ of this kid in his homemade Halo suit, and you’re thinking to yourself, “Wow - what a total badass.” I would agree with you, but having made more than my share of homemade Halo suit videos in my day, my trained eye sees all the telltale signs of an amateur here. I can relate, though: in my first homemade Halo suit video, I was wearing a tinfoil shirt and a pair Levi’s. I knew it kind of sucked, but I thought maybe the fog machine and strobe light would still make it look cool. No dice.

Anyway, the cardinal rule of making a Halo suit video: always make sure your mom is out of the shot. I know how it goes when mom’s cooking dinner and the lighting looks best right near the kitchen, but you know what? It’s called “self-control.” Wait until she’s done cooking you dinner and THEN make the video. Think about it like this: What would Master Chief do?² I’ll tell you what he’d do: he’d crouch in the corner, reload and wait for a more opportune moment to flex in his new homemade cardboard armor. Are you Master Chief material? Yeah? Better start acting like it, then.

I know that might sound needlessly harsh considering he’s just a kid or whatever, but I’m not apologizing - that “kid” got like 30 headshots off me last night.

¹ Not to be confused with this video, or this video, or anything associated with this website.

² WWMCD?

Reuters, Jan 22 2008: Leading economists are warning that the only chance the United States will avoid slipping into recession is if it successfully transitions to an entirely Nintendo DS-based economy, a process begun in secret by the Treasury during Q4 2007.

And so another holiday season is all over, but the cryin’. Once again, given the lack of anything else going on in my life, I turn to the monthly sales data released for the month of December, courtesy of the NPD group.

Hardware Sales (Annual 2007 in brackets)
Nintendo DS 2.47 million (8.50 million)
Wii 1.35 million (6.29 million)
Xbox 360 1.26 million (4.62 million)
PlayStation 2 1.1 million (3.97 million)
PlayStation Portable 1.06 million (3.82 million)
PlayStation 3 797.6K (2.56 million)

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I love the Soul Caliber games. No other fighting game has such a perfect mix of “if I press all the buttons in an aggressive enough manner, I stand a good chance of winning” and “if I master this combo, I will become a lithe, fluid incarnation of Death itself.”

So honestly, I’ll be buying Soul Caliber IV no matter what bizarre crossover characters they put in it. I’d happily play as a barrel-hurling Donkey Kong, Soccer ball-kicking Pele, or Mace-wielding Mike Huckabee.

But, that doesn’t mean I can let something like the insertion of Star Wars characters into the franchise go by unmentioned. Spawn and Link were bad enough, but putting Darth Vader and Yoda into the game as playable characters is like leaving the Lucasarts truck they used to deliver the giant mountain of cash parked in front of your house. We know it exists, but do you have to rub it in our faces?

To those who think this isn’t such a bad idea, I present an exhaustive list of Darth Vader’s Soul Caliber IV control scheme and moves list:

Control: Press X
Move: Force Choke
Description: Darth chokes opponent to death with his mind.

The end. You’re done. Shut the fuck up Killik; your fucking stick can’t outreach the FORCE.

And yes, they could strategically remove Yoda/Vader’s powers to make them mesh with the Soul Caliber universe, but that’s going to be equally annoying. I mean, do you really want to play a fighting game where your lightsaber hums cleanly through the rapidly ionizing atmosphere, only to be parried by Maxi’s nunchucks?

No; you’re going to whine and moan about how it “isn’t true to the spirit of the character.” Well, you are if you’re an insufferable nerd, which unfortunately describes myself and most of my close friends to a T.

So if you’re reading this Namco Bandai, may I suggest a sensible alternative to the Dark One and his Green Counterpart: PacMan. He’s a classic gaming icon, sure to come bundled with some sweet crossover ad revenue, and is perfectly balanced against the other Soul Caliber characters.

His ability to hover and move in any direction make him defensively strong, while his lack of any attack other than ramming his head against things makes him far from too powerful. Pit him against Ivy, give him some power pills, and let’s leave the crazy franchise mashups to Super Smash Bros.

Awesome Video Of The Day

Fuck Guitar Hero

There was a time in the not-so-distant past when you and your friends had to learn how to play instruments and start a band if you wanted to rock out. These days we’ve got these so-called “rhythm games” instead, but there are some problems with them that people are starting to get fed up with. For example, don’t you kind of hate it how Guitar Hero and Rock Band pay REALLY close attention to what keys you’re pressing and when you’re pressing them? Aren’t you sick of how they give you incredibly precise & accurate scores based on your performance? Don’t you kind of wish you could have the playing-a-fake-guitar experience without actually having to learn how to play a fake guitar? I’ve heard the collective sigh of bored gamers, and, believe me, it’s not a pretty sound.

Can you describe a sound as “sweaty”? It sounds sweaty and asthmatic.

Thank God CES is this week, where Jada Toys has unveiled their new Air Guitar Rocker™. Created by a guy named “Nitrous Roxide,” the Air Guitar Rocker™ consists of a hip-mounted speaker and some sort of magnetized pick that lets you rock out to ten (count them - TEN) different riffs, eliminating the need for a guitar, a video game console, or any sort of regular social contact with other human beings. Because c’mon - who wants to play mind-bogglingly fun multiplayer video games when you can sit in your bedroom all alone with a little amp strapped to your hip, strumming “You Really Got Me” over and over again, weeping softly and cursing your cheap bastard parents for not buying you an Xbox 360.

Wildcard!

Let’s Start A Farm!

So Yasgur’s Farm, site of the original Woodstock Festival, is currently for sale for the low, low price of $8,000,000. That’s a pretty big chunk of change, but if we can get enough people together to chip in, I think I have an idea that could make us all rich.

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Today I’m going to kick off my blogging year with a new feature in which I demonstrate my advanced age and decrepitude by describing things I’ve only recently come to realize, but which you’ve most likely known a long, long time. It’s… Late to the Party!

Part the First: The Wii is Awesome.
That picture to your right (presented in a wistful sepiatone to convey the feeling of olde timey days) is me gettin’ busy with my new Wii, which Santa was nice enough to give me permission to buy for myself and my ladyfriend after she planted the seed several months ago (by mentioning that “it could help us get in shape”) and promptly forgot about it.

I’m well aware that all you video game types are totally over the Wii, but for someone whose most recently owned video game system prior to this one was an Atari 2600 purchased by my Grammy in 1982, this was a pretty major leap to make. But 25 years seemed like a long enough time to allow for technical improvements, so I took the plunge (productivity be damned), and let me tell you that it was worth the wait. So far I’ve learned that a) my arms don’t know the difference between swinging a Wii remote and swinging a baseball bat, b) I am just as crappy a virtual bowler as I am an actual bowler, but the shoes don’t smell as bad, and c) my girlfriend can beat the crap out of me at boxing (to the point where I actually found myself yelling “I’m trying to punch you in the face! Why can’t I punch you in the face?!” followed by “Stop iiiiiiiiit!”). In any case, I’m just now discovering that it’s awesome, so be kind to your elders and cut me a break.

Part the Second: Rihanna is a Hottie.
While visiting my ladyfriend’s parents on New Years, I happened to see the video for a song called “Umbrella” for the first time. It’s by a singer named Rihanna, who spends the entire video strutting around in fishnets being splashed with water and naked covered in silver paint, and for all I know it’s been all the rage for the past five years while I was living alone in a cave teaching myself to juggle balls of mud. (I also think I read somewhere that the song was originally offered to Britney Spears, but I for one am glad she declined it, since I would just be spending the whole video thinking about how bad all that water would be for her toe fungus.)

But in any case, while the song is inarguably catchy, let me state now for the record that I concur with the 98% of men and lesbians worldwide who strongly believe that this Rihanna lady could melt the paint off Satan’s furnace. It is a scientific fact that an ordinary man accidentally seeing Rihanna in person would literally have his genitals burned completely off. So exercise caution if you believe she may be in your vicinity. But speaking of exercising caution…

Part the Third: It Is Possible to Be Eaten by Wild Animals at the Zoo.
Who knew, right? All those times I was dragged off to the zoo to stare at sleeping lemurs as a child, I was actually entering a terrifying death trap. The most interesting thing that happened while I was there was when the giraffe took a really enormous crap.

Awesome Video Of The Day

Pretty Much The Coolest Fucking Thing I’ve Ever Seen In My Life

Not long ago, virtual reality wasn’t really much of a reality at all (unless you had access to a CAVE or were watching The Lawnmower Man). We’ve come a long way since then, and now some guy named Johnny Lee has figured out a way to turn a regular TV and a Wiimote into, like, the coolest thing of all time.

It would be pretty easy to make fun of this guy for being kind of a dork, but you know what? He’s like a thousand times smarter than I am, and while I’m sitting here making dick jokes and snarky little remarks, he’s furiously coding some awesome new program that will one day produce amazing new video games that I, the retard consumer, will then purchase. Then I’ll be staring at my TV with infrared lights strapped to my glasses, ducking and weaving around the living room like “whoaaaa.” Then my girlfriend will walk in and be like “you look like a fucking dork.”

Hubris sucks.

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3D Realms has released a new trailer for Duke Nukem Forever, apparently in a last-ditch effort to avoid losing their status as most ridiculous gaming monstrosity.

For anyone who hasn’t followed this story heatedly from its outset (I’ve had men on it from day one…that’s what she said), Duke Nukem Forever is the proposed sequel to a fairly decent FPS that sounded as if it would have been staggeringly, mind-blowingly decent if it were released in 1997 when it was meant to be.

Then, for reasons even my own strapping team of investigative web-journalists have failed to uncover (one guy thought it was because of the Jews, but he’s been fired), the game was delayed. And delayed again. FOR TEN YEARS.

The news here isn’t so much that the game got delayed into oblivion—a lot of games die that way—but rather that 3D Realms will occasionally trot out some video footage of the corpse to try and keep the thing alive, like a digital Weekend at Bernie’s.

Here’s the teaser in question, which features some quick cuts of derivative-looking aliens, a homoerotic wraparound of the Duke flexing his guns, and some metal thrash guitar circa 1994.

Frankly, the teaser they released in 2001 (here lovingly recut by an adoring fan) had a lot more going for it.

Sure, their heads are square, but you’ve got a shrink gun, a donkey being eaten by a sandworm, and even a minecart ride. And we all loved Donkey Kong Country, right?

The new version just looks like another FPS, which would kind of be suicide when the market’s used to games like Half-Life 2 and Bioshock. Of course, 3D Realms is certainly aware of this, which is why I predict Duke Nukem Forever (when ultimately released in 2012) will have the following innovative features:

Finally, I leave you with this video, in which the Duke achieves his highest form of existence as a perpetrator of criminal harassment and impetus towards nervous breakdown. Skip to 4:30 if you just want to see the part where a human being crumples under the tremendous weight of Duke’s balls of steel.

Awesome Video Of The Day

Colin’s Bear Animation

I watched this video like ten times before I realized I should turn the sound on. I have no idea how many times I watched it after that, but I know it’s still every bit as kickass as it was the first time. Hang on - I’m gonna go watch it again.

Yup - still rules.

According to the “About This Video” section:

“This video was created by a third year Game Development student at UOIT. This is the final animation for an Animation Arts class. My friend Colin used all the techniques that were taught by this professor. And as you can see, he made the best animation with what was taught.

I know this was an attempt to throw some sass at a less-than-stellar professor, but considering the current state of video games I think the industry should actually give this video some thought. If I had $50 and a choice between this and yet another boring WWII shooter, I have a pretty good idea of where my money would go:

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For those of you living in primitive, over-seas, possibly Australian lands, you might not be familiar with the sudden onslaught of consumerism that overtakes America in November. Immediately after Thanksgiving, people across the land venture out of their dwellings for days and weeks on end, purchasing everything they see, all in a futile attempt to celebrate the birth of their Pagan lord, Jesus. It’s horrific.

Consequently, November, and it’s sequel, December, are some of the biggest months of the year for the retail industry. Video game retail sales are no different, and unsurprisingly, tend to spike abruptly in these two months. Below we present the video game sales data for November, courtesy of the NPD group. As always, if used properly, this data will back up any argument you want it too.*

*up to, and including “Don’t shoot, here are five excellent reasons why I’m in bed with your wife”

Hardware Sales (lifetime in brackets)

Nintendo DS 1.53 million (15 million)
Wii 981K (6 million)
Xbox 360 770K (7.9 million)
PSP 567K (9.5 million)
PlayStation 2 496K (40 million)
PlayStation 3 466K (2.5 million)

Software Sales

360 Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare 1.57 million
Wii Super Mario Galaxy 1.12 million
360 Assassin’s Creed 980K
PS2 Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock 967K
Wii Wii Play (w. Remote) 564K
360 Mass Effect 473K
PS3 Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare 444K
Wii Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock 426K
360 Halo 3 387K
PS3 Assassin’s Creed 377K

Percentage gain over October sales:

Wii: 89%
Xbox 360: 110%
PS3: 285%
DS: 232%
PSP: 98%

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Here’s our monthly look at the North American console and video game sales for October, courtesy of the NPD group. We should caution that none of the information contained within will validate your console buying decision, or invalidate that of your friends. Studies show that how well your chosen console has sold in a given month has little to no effect on the length of your penis*

*(re: RFC 793 - Proposed measure for the value of an Internet user’s arguments)

Hardware Sales (lifetime in brackets)

Wii 519K (5 million)
Nintendo DS 458K (13.5 million)
Xbox 360 366K (7.1 million)
Playstation Portable 286K (8.9 million)
PlayStation 2 184K (39.5 million)
PlayStation 3 121K (2 million)

Software Sales

360 Halo3 433.8K
360 Guitar Hero III 383.2K
WII Guitar Hero III 286.3K
PS2 Guitar Hero III (w. Guitar) 271.1K
NDS Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass 262.8K
WII Wii Play (w. Remote) 239.7K
360 The Orange Box 238.4K
PS2 Guitar Hero III (no Guitar) 231.7K
PS2 Fifa Soccer 08 129.7K
NDS Brain Age 2 116.9K

Xbox 360 sales dropped down from 527.8K last month, which suggests that the “Halo” effect has all but disappeared. Nevertheless, given its strong game library, the 360 should be positioned for a strong holiday season. That is, assuming it doesn’t garner any more negative publicity about the RROD problems - or worse. What are the odds of a 360 exploding and killing someone before Christmas? Probably not high. But also probably not zero.

Measured on a weekly basis, the PS3 did a bit better than last month, though that’s essentially the same as saying that it “sucked a bit less hard.” Fact: PS3 sales are still hilariously low. However, these figures are from the period before Sony’s latest round of cuts to the PS3’s price and feature list, so Sony fanboys are hopeful sales might pick up yet. Nevertheless, at $399, the PS3 still represents the most expensive console available. If sales don’t pick up soon, industry experts expect that by next summer Sony will have slashed the feature list down to the point where a PS3 is composed of little more than a Sixaxis tied to an egg carton with some yarn.

As for everybody’s favorite bowling and cow-riding simulator, the Wii climbed back up to the top of the hardware charts this month, despite having yet another soft month of software sales. What on earth are people doing with their Wii’s? Aside from “not buying games for them.” It kind of makes
me wonder if everybody else knows something that I don’t. Is there a hardcore porn Easter egg in the Weather Channel? I looked for weeks but the only thing I ended up with was a sore wrist.

In software sales this month, the big news is the success of Guitar Hero III. GH3 sold very well across all platforms, including a healthy 286K units for the Wii, and a whopping 500K for the PS2 version(s.) This suggests to me that whether you play games in 480i or 1080p, the only thing that matters in the end is that you play them like a hurricane.