While this blog has done a fairly good job of documenting my chest hair, I regret to say there is frighteningly little else that has been revealed about me. Those of you who had the diligence to go to my website learned that my first name is Wayne and that I live in Maine. But what else have you gathered? Not much. It’s true. When it comes to blogging, I play it pretty close to the vest.
Indeed, so close, that I’ve apparently managed to keep things even from myself. For example, I’ve only recently discovered that somehow in the last few years, I’ve managed to gain about 25 pounds. See, in my delusional mind, I was still the grungy frontman for Ithaca’s greatest band, Slowburn (pictured in the top left). Not that I was Brad Pitt, but let’s just say I was someone Daniel O’Brien wouldn’t kick out of bed. But as revealed by my entry in YouTube ’s recent video contest, I’ve become something of a tubby, little bastard. And not all the bad lighting, poor sound, or continuity errors in the world can change that. Anyway, I realize now my contest entry might be disqualified because it refers to a public figure which apparently YouTube says you can’t do. (Although last year’s second place winner had a George Bush impersonator in it?) In any event, if it somehow makes it into the top 20, people will be asked to vote on it, but let’s not worry about that yet. Just enjoy the way I’ve let myself go and hopefully you’ll like some of the jokes too.
I’m also using this somewhat unorthodox blog post to announce that I bought an eliptical yesterday and I intend to chronicle my weight loss. You, dear Cracked Blog readers, are truly blessed.
Following the Christmas tiger attack at the San Francisco Zoo, much has been made of the retaining wall around the tiger cage not being high enough to enclose, say, tigers. In the wake of the scandal, a Zoo “crisis management team” has been called in to help curb the negative publicityplaguing the zoo, and investigate whether the young men attacked had in fact taunted the tiger (which I understand is NOT a term for masturbation), or were under the influence of alcohol.
The team has also planned a series of ads designed to “put the whole thing in perspective.” One such ad, leaked mere moments ago to my hard drive for some reason, appears after this colon:
Besides blogging for CRACKED, Michael also makes hilarious videos as writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
DISCLAIMER: All characters, names and places used in CRACKED prose, fiction and semifiction (whether online, in print or any other media) are fictitious and are used herein for the purposes of comment, criticism, parody, pointing out political and/or social injustice or any other purpose through which humanity is held up to the ridicule it frequently deserves. Any similarity to real people, without parodic purpose, is a coincidence. All trade names, product names and trademarks of third parties, including any trademarked characters, used in CRACKED fiction and semifiction (whether online, in print or any other media) are used without the authorization of those third parties, and are used only for the purpose of parody and identification. No sponsorship, endorsement or affiliation by or with those third parties exists or should be implied. Also, we love disclaimers.
While this blog has done a fairly good job of documenting my chest hair, I regret to say there is frighteningly little else that has been revealed about me. Those of you who had the diligence to go to 
