Awesome Video Of The Day

Mike Rowe Selling Katsaks on QVC

It’s kind of weird to think there was a time when Mike Rowe, current host of Dirty Jobs, was hawking things like “Katsaks” on QVC to pay his rent, but you know what’s even weirder? THERE WAS SOMEONE OUT THERE TAPING IT. Who in the name of God tapes the “Quality Value Convenience” channel?! Were they huge Mike Rowe fans, or did they just not want to miss seeing all the products that were available for purchase? Maybe they had the VCR set to the wrong channel or something.

If I were Mike Rowe and wanted someone to hire me for a new show, I’d just show them this clip. Not only would it prove that I could handle myself with grace under pressure, but it also shows that when I had a show on QVC, THERE WAS SOMEONE OUT THERE TAPING IT. If that isn’t a surefire indicator of future success, I don’t know what is.

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The big news in Heroes-land this week was the apology from series creator Tim Kring for the slow pace of the season so far. Apparently, the show’s writers “aren’t very good” at telling love stories, and maybe the new characters were introduced “a little slowly” and also maybe keeping Hiro in ancient Japan for seven episodes was “not fucking very bright.”

Those quotes aren’t verbatim, incidentally.

I won’t be too hard on Kring here, because frankly it’s refreshing to see someone from a show be so up front about it’s weaknesses. Nevertheless, Tim, it probably would have been handy if you’d noticed these things sometime before all those episodes were filmed.*

*Here of course I’m assuming that Tim Kring regularly reads this blog, as do countless other Hollywood writers and producers - an assumption I feel comfortable making, having seen no evidence to the contrary.

Which brings us to Episode 8, the dawning of a new age in the Heroes world. According to the omni-present ads, all the mysteries of the past 4 months would be revealed. Will this mark a turning point for the franchise, or has it slipped forever from the attention of today’s ever-fickle youth? I hear the kids talking about that new Kelsey Grammer show a lot these days. Maybe that’s stolen Heroes thunder.

Things We Learned: (after the jump)
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Awesome Video Of The Day

People Getting Hit In The Face

I tried really hard to find a video to post today. Honestly. I found a good one, too, and I started to write about it, but it kept coming out vitriolic and mean. I tried deleting it and starting over, and I tried taking a break for a little while to clear my head, but nothing seemed to work. Eventually I abandoned that one and started looking for something else.

Then I found this video of cats doing dumb things, but it just seemed too easy, too obvious. Then there was a speech by this Republican politician, but that seemed too political. I thought about the Cracked Blog, about what it is at its heart, about what its readers might want to see. I loaded up the page: “Cracked.com: America’s Only Humor & Video Site, Since 1958.” Then I remembered that Cracked.com is a humor site, and that people who come to Cracked.com want to see things that are funny. I asked myself, “What’s funny?” Then the answer hit me like a ton of bricks:

People getting hit in the face is funny.

Enjoy.

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It’s a little surprising that NBC waited until November before releasing the first episode of Heroes this season. To this point it’s been sort of like the NFL preseason: few things have happened, and none of them matter. Watching our favorite old characters dink around with second string rookies has been a pretty hollow experience compared to the finished product.

Like I briefly hinted at in the last recap, these large multi-arc shows are at their best when their separate plotlines intersect and weave together. The first half dozen episodes of this season saw almost no intersections, as each group of characters went about their own business, independently explaining their powers to the camera while enjoying Nissan products. But in this episode, I counted at least five instances of storylines intersecting. It made for a very satisfying episode – admittedly a pretty low bar, given the number of Honduran Wondertwin moments we’ve endured lately.
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I guess some interesting stuff happened in that episode. It was good to see Mr. Bennet reclaim a bit of his bad-ass-ness finally, and Suresh’s feet-stomping, stool throwing tantrum was both sad and hilarious. But all the subplots feel really adrift from each other right now. Until they subplots start to combine, they’re basically nothing more than ten minutes vignettes which air once every two weeks. The promise of what’s to come when these characters start to cross paths is tantalizing, but until that happens, it all feels like a bit of a dry hump.

On that note, I can’t help but notice how much more enjoyable this show was when I was able to watch several episodes all at once. Last season I didn’t get in to the show until after Christmas, and got to catch up on the first 11 episodes in a couple sittings. It was great - cliffhangers were less obtrusive, and if nothing happened in an episode I could always fire up the next one immediately after. Maybe next season I’ll forego the regular blog updates, and instead write a 12000 word treatise on Season 3 after it comes out on DVD the following summer. People would want to read that, right?

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If you’re a fan of The CW (and statistics prove that you’re almost certainly not), then you were likely on pins and needle last night waiting for the Heroes debut of Veronica Mars star Kirsten Bell. And if that’s all you were looking for, then you didn’t go to bed disappointed, as indeed Heroes was on TV last night, and a character played by Kirsten Bell did appear on it. Everything else about the show would likely have let you down greatly. And disappointing fans of The CW is no small feat.

Despite my eloquent protests last week, this episode continued to spend an inordinate amount of time on the development of a new Hero with uninteresting powers. I consider it a personal slap in the face that the show’s creators were unwilling to scrap a multimillion dollar episode and then rewrite and re-film it within a week. Come on guys. Someone learning how to jump rope is not very gripping television. That should have been taught to you on the first day of television school.

Other things we learned:

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A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…

…you respected George Lucas. Just when you thought he had finished defiling your cherished memories, the Star Wars creator (and destroyer) announced yesterday that he plans to exhume those memories, rip their heads off, and take a dump down their necks:

George Lucas is planning a live-action television series spinoff of the “Star Wars” film franchise… which will not include the films’ major characters. “The Skywalkers aren’t in it, and it’s about minor characters,” Lucas told the Times on Tuesday.

I know what you’re thinking: haven’t there already been several awesome Star Wars adaptations on the small screen? Who could forget the epic Ewoks: Battle for Endor (starring Wilford Brimley, no less), or the classic Ewoks cartoon (with perhaps the best theme music ever to come out of the entire franchise), to say nothing of the utter majesty that was The Star Wars Holiday Special?

But apparently Almighty George isn’t content to rest on those sturdy laurels. So on the off-chance that he’s still open to suggestions about this minor-character-driven show, and in gratitude for the good times we once shared before he blew it all to hell, I’d like to offer the following show ideas, absolutely free:

Catching Up with the Fetts
$25,000 Jedi Mind-Trick Pyramid
Womprat Manor
Are You Smarter than a Tauntaun?
Mos Eisley Vice
Akbar, P.I.
America’s Next Top Jawa
Who Wants to Marry Han Solo’s Cousin’s Ex-Girlfriend?
The Real Housewives of Ice Planet Hoth
Droid Eye for the Carbonite Guy
Hermi Odle Can’t Lose
Kick Jar-Jar in the Nuts for Fifty Bucks
Sand People Say the Darndest Things!

….and of course:

Star Wars: The Next Generation

The most interesting Heroes subplot currently running is the mystery surrounding the Nightmare Man, and his connection to the previous generation of super-power enthusiasts (Lindermen, Kaito Nakamura, the Petrelli’s, et al.) Consequently last night’s episode of Heroes was one of the most interesting of the season, despite the fact that it introduced yet another new character that no-one will ever care about.

Watching ordinary people discover newfound abilities and observing as they learn how to cope with them makes a good story. It’s also a story that’s already been told. Last season we watched a dozen people discover their abilities and how they affected the greater world around them. To watch it happen again is eye-wateringly boring. I nearly barfed when Micah’s cousin said “I just feel like there’s something great inside me.” Can we please declare a moratorium on New-Hero-Discovering-Themselves stories for awhile? I only want to see a new hero introduced if they’ve progressed to the leotard-clad ass kicking stage.

Other things we know now.

The aforementioned interesting revelation is that we now have a picture of several people involved in the Symbol Conspiracy. And one of them is Parkman’s dad. The other major revelation was that Parkman’s father is also the mysterious Molly-frightening creature that we’re now evidently called the Nightmare Man. Technically that’s an accurate name, although it is a little lacking in menace. I guess “Night Terror Head Fucker” is probably a little strong to say in the presence of an 11 year old.

The other problem with the Nightmare Man is that the more we learn about him, the less menacing he becomes. Prior to this episode it was easy to imagine he was an all powerful Demon Leopard living in a fortress carved underneath the South Pole. Now we know he’s a doughy middle aged guy who keeps an apartment in Philadelphia. Which is a bit of a let-down, although he is related to Parkman, so that’s probably par for the course.

I’m beginning to suspect that West’s ability to fly is only his secondary ability. His true power is the inability to take “No” for an answer. I consider myself a father-figure towards Claire, along with several other television characters, due to some mental problems of mine that I don’t really want to get in to here. Consequently, I only want her to be happy, and worry about her being around a fellow who’s so irritatingly persistent.

Watching Sylar stumble into the path of Maya and Alejandro felt like a huge lazy writing coincidence - a case of Sylar Ex Machina if you will. I wonder if someone is manipulating his return to the States? Also, is that Claire’s stolen car they’re riding in?

Micah’s cousin Monica has discovered that she can learn anything just by watching it. Admittedly, a pretty cool power, although it would have been better if there was a scene of her staring vacantly into the middle distance and saying “I know Kung Fu.”

We learned a little bit more about what happened with Nathan. The pain from growing a beard caused him to turn to drink, which drove away his wife and family.

Last night, the third episode of Heroes contained what should have been the biggest revelation of the season: Sylar is still alive. This would have been a big surprise if you hadn’t seen any of the ads over the last week that repeatedly announced “Sylar’s back.” In the world of advertising blunders, this ranks right up there with advertising Bruce Willis as ‘a crime solving ghost’ in The Sixth Sense.

This was also a great episode to see a perfect example where artistic vision can intersect with business practicality in a harmonious union. Entertainment executives, take note: a shape shifter can be easily replaced with another actress entirely. Expect to see producers in the future use this as leverage in negotiations with difficult actors. If this breakthrough had only been made a few years ago, Friends could still be on the air.

Other things that we know now.

This blog’s favorite character, the Nissan Rogue, made a dramatic reappearance in Mexico. How will the Rogue’s sharp styling and rugged suspension handle Mexico’s unevenly maintained highway system? We’ll have to tune in to find out!

Hiro is fixing history with great success, and developing a hopeless crush on a woman old enough to be his great-great-great etc… He’s also sending messages into the future via the most contrived device one could possibly imagine. As a code, “Ando, open” would feel sloppy even in a Dan Brown novel.

Micah has been left with his grandmother, played by Nichelle Nichols. Nichols is perhaps best known as Uhura from Star Trek, and was hurriedly cast after George Takei’s character was killed off, due to a little known Screen Actors Guild regulation.

The final painting in Isaac’s series of posthumous plot devices reveals that Mr. Bennet will get a bullet in the face by the end of the season. What the other six paintings display is as yet unknown, but given the shows love of plot twists, expect at least one of them to show Bennet paying a homeless man $50 to wear an unusually realistic looking mask of him. It’s either that or a shape shifter. Maybe a homeless shape shifter?

Peter is now a brother of the brother of the sister he is now kissing. This was a very challenging scene to watch, and possibly an homage to Star Wars.

Sylar has lost his powers, which was one of the few predictions where I really stepped out on a limb during my pre-season analysis. This blog entry will return to its regularly scheduled tom-foolery after this “accurate prediction fist pump.” <fist pump>

Also, Candace claimed that when she rescued Sylar she was working on behalf a third party. But who is this mysterious third party? The number of unknown conspiracies in this show is really starting to add up. At this point probably the safest bet is to say she was taking orders from a shadowy group jointly led by Leonard Nimoy and a Nissan Altima.

Why do you think NBC’s The Office is such a success? Is it the great writing? The hilarious characters portrayed by adept actors and actresses? The mockumentary style it so masterfully stole from the UK version of the show?

No, no, and NO! The Office is a success because people can relate to it! Everyone in the entire country works in an office! Who doesn’t know a Pam (receptionist with dreams of being an artist), a Toby (depressed-looking HR guy) or an Angela (total cunt) from work? Whose boss isn’t a bumbling idiot?! The Office shows exactly what it’s like to work at any office in the entire world!

There’s one major difference, though: While the show is only a half hour per week, you have to do that shit for 8 hours a day. Oh, and there probably aren’t very many jokes. Maybe one or two a day if you’re lucky, but not nearly enough for an entire episode.

Which got me thinking: The common workplace situations that end in hilarity on The Office would probably turn out a little differently if they happened in your office. Let’s go over last night’s episode and consider how things might have gone down in real life.

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