Wiener Poopie

It must be hard to be a local TV reporter. You probably have to go to school for a long time, taking tons of classes on journalism and ethics and diction and all that stuff. Then you have to get an internship, hoping they’ll keep you on after the summer’s over. Maybe if you’re lucky you’ll get an entry-level job at some TV station in Grand Rapids, Michigan. You’ll work there for a couple of years, barely making ends meet, working late nights editing copy while your spiteful wife sits at home, stirring watered-down Kool-Aid and operating a phone sex line from your living room.

This will be your life.

Then one day you’ll get your big break. Your boss will call you into his office and hand you a script. “You won’t be on camera,” your boss will tell you, “but it’s a great human interest story. We need you to do narration.” You’ll give him a little self-satisfied nod, thinking to yourself, “No problem. I’ve got this.”

But then later on that night when you’re at home, staring at yourself in the mirror and practicing your lines, you’ll realize that nothing in your career could have prepared you for this. Most of it will be fine, the vast majority of it, really, but there will be those two words that you just can’t seem to get right.

“WIE-ner poopie,” you’ll say. “Wiener POO-pie. WIE-ner POO-pie.” You’ll inflect it differently each time, your voice rising and falling on each syllable in endless permutations. “Wie-NER poo-PIE.”

Your wife will sigh impatiently in bed. “Come to bed, honey,” she’ll say.

“I’ll be there in a minute,” you’ll say, then you’ll turn back to the mirror and furrow your brow. “WIE-ner poopie. Wiener POO-pie. WIE-ner POO-pie.”

Nobody ever said it was gonna be easy.

While Ross and I only included one Salesgenie.com commercial in our rundown of the lamest Super Bowl ads, I think it’s fair to say that all three ads the company produced could have by rights made the cut. They were stupid, borderline racist, and apparently entirely intentional. Turns out the company’s strategy was to make the worst commercials possible, thereby GUARANTEEING that every lame Internet blogger would highlight them in the coming weeks (as I’m doing now. Congratulations Sales Genie, you’re geniuses).

But that’s not the whole story. Shockingly, the ads that aired were actually watered down versions of CEO Vinod Gupta’s original scripts. Those preliminary scripts were recorded, and although they were ultimately deemed too offensive to run, my vast network of resources has located the lost commercials, presented for your displeasure now:

When not blogging for Cracked, Michael makes intentionally offensive videos as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!

Awesome Video Of The Day

Star Trek Orgasms

Guilty confession: I’ve never really watched Star Trek before. I vaguely remember seeing this one episode with all these weird glowing rocks in a cave that paralyzed a few dudes for some reason (I think it was Kirk and Spock), but for the most part I have no reference point. Don’t get me wrong - I’m sure it’s a great show and everything. I just never really watched it.

Consequently, I have no idea if this video clip is dirty. I mean, sure, it SEEMS kind of dirty I guess, but this could just be what Star Trek was like most of the time and I’d have no idea - I never watched the show before, remember? Were simulated orgasms a major part of the show? Is that why Star Trek was so popular?

If I were making a sci-fi show and I wanted it to be popular, I’d try to throw in as many simulated orgasms as possible. Seems like a recipe for success if I’ve ever heard one. I’d also guarantee one decapitation, six fart jokes and tons of animals dressed up like people in every episode. Oh - and I’d bring back that chick with three boobs from Total Recall. Where has she been, anyway¹?!

¹ Answer: here and there. Isn’t it weird how taking a role that becomes popularly known as “that chick with 3 boobs” can bring your career to a screeching halt? Oh, wait… no, that’s actually not weird at all.

Leave it to the intrepid Spears gals not to let a little thing like a surprise teen pregnancy keep them down. They’re almost exactly like the Hardy Boys, if the Hardy Boys had a book called The Hardy Boys and the Mystery of the Staggering Series of Personal Setbacks.

Well, now Spears the younger has decided to finish out the fourth and last season of her hit (in the sense that I’ve never seen it, and I’m totally out of touch with popular culture) TV series Zoey 101, which I imagine from the name tells the story of 101 adorable teenage girls who escape being skinned alive by a wicked governess.

Naturally, her pregnancy will have some minor effect on the course of the series–writers will likely have to abandon the “Zoey plans to attend and compete in an International Gut-Punching Championship” plot line, for instance—but I think this episode guide pirated off of one of my favorite Nickelodeon forums (I have several) illustrates just how clever they can be.

Spoilers ahead!

And in a special Zoey 101 retrospective, Zoey looks at old pictures of herself and cries. Girl, you crazy!

When not blogging for Cracked, Michael makes list-formatted videos as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!

Awesome Video Of The Day

The Coolest Kid In Melbourne

Remember that party you threw back in high school when your parents were out of town? That was pretty crazy, wasn’t it? Remember how your friend Todd’s older brother got you guys a bottle of Southern Comfort and a couple of 40s of Mickey’s with his fake ID? That was so awesome. And then remember when those three girls showed up with a six-pack of Zima, and then someone put sardines and ice cream in the blender together and dared your friend Tim to drink it, and then he threw up all over the living room carpet? You guys must’ve stayed up, what, until like 2 a.m.? Good times, man. Good times. That was fucking NUTS.

Well it might make a nice memory, anyway, but it turns out that your dinky little high school rager was totally lame - this kid is teaching the entire internet how to throw a proper high school kegger, and, more importantly, how to play it off like a total badass after you get caught. Between the open fur-lined sweatshirt, the nipple ring, the ridiculous sunglasses and the totally nonchalant attitude, I’d say this kid has a bright future ahead of him as a professional party promoter. That or an ecstasy burnout. Or both.

Doesn’t it kind of seem like the interviewer wants to laugh her ass off? She was probably there when it all went down, anyway. Australia is cool like that - the crappy TV reporters party with the high schoolers, the high schoolers throw rocks at the cops, and the cops fine the high schoolers’ parents $20,000. Toss in a few kangaroos and an AC/DC CD and you’ve got the Australian circle of life right there.

You know what? Fuck it - I’m moving to Melbourne.

Awesome Video Of The Day

Guy Hurls Plungers At Peoples’ Backs

I’d like to start off the week by saying that I really like the name of this YouTube video. It takes a sort of no-frills approach to telling you exactly what it is: a video of a guy hurling plungers at peoples’ backs. I also like the ridiculous number of plungers spread out across the stage, the fact that half the plungers don’t even stick to the guys’ backs, and the backflip and splits the guy does at the end.

Come to think of it, the actual hurling of plungers might be the least noteworthy thing about this video. What about how all of these shirtless guys are wearing helmets? Or the fact that this guy is clearly on some sort of televised talent show, and his special talent is HURLING PLUNGERS?! How do you come to realize that’s something you’re good at in the first place? How do you practice when you DO figure it out? Is it a blessing or a burden? Does it translate into any sort of vaguely marketable skill, and if not, do you tell the people at your crappy day job about your hobby?

I remember reading somewhere that defeat in World War II messed up Germany’s national psyche pretty bad (hence all the scat videos and weird Halloween costumes), and I’m wondering if this is somehow related. But I have basically no reference point here - I live in America, and everybody who ends up on television here is incredibly talented.

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Awesome Video Of The Day

Surfer On The News

There’s something about this guy that makes me want to take him home with me and keep him as some kind of weird pet. I feel like he probably can’t really take care of himself. I could keep him in my storage closet or something and only open the door when I want to hear something hilarious, then reward him with slices of pizza and bags of weed.

You know how you’re only supposed to give fish a little bit of food because they’ll eat until they explode? I feel like it’s probably exactly the same deal with this guy, so I better make sure to only give him a little bit of pizza at a time. Otherwise he’ll just keep eating pizza, and then he’ll paddle out into the ocean, get a cramp in the middle of a sick barrel and get totally pitted.

I do NOT want it to be my fault that this guy gets pitted. Seriously.

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Providing new evidence for the theory that the American entertainment complex will never produce another original idea again, NBC has once more reanimated the putrid corpse of one of your cherished childhood memories and will proudly display this unholy monstrosity to the world this February under the bastard name of “Knight Rider.”

The movie-and-possibly-series is going to star a bunch of young hotties with fake boobs and chiseled abs who will no doubt bring an “extreme” edge to the show, in order to appeal to the 18-29 year-old braniacs who read magazines like Maxim and Leathertits and drink that Coke with nicotine in it or whatever which the show’s advertisers are so desperate to attract.

Also joining the (extreme) fun will be a middle-aged sometime-actor named David Hasselhoff, who I’ve never heard of but who apparently achieved minor internet celebrity this year due to an entertaining video of the shirtless man engaged in a sensuous embrace with a chicken sandwich, lovingly filmed by his adoring daughter.

But the real stars of the show are bound to be the cars:

The three cars to be employed in the series include the KITT Hero—a Ford Mustang Shelby GT500KR that is playing the part of the everyday Hero car with 540 horsepower; the KITT Attack—a super high-speed version of the Ford Mustang Shelby GT500KR Hero car that transforms into Attack mode with the help of air-ride technology and specialized body parts—and a KITT Remote, which is a driverless Ford Mustang Shelby GT500KR version of the Hero vehicle.

… all of which will be available on eBay shortly after the show’s cancellation after three episodes (and replacement with “Law & Order: Spoiled Cheese Unit”).

So for the right price, you’ll then be able to say, “KITT, go pick up my stupid family,” and the car will happily drive out of a truck’s butt and take over all your most hated chores while you slowly grow deeper into the folds of your couch and await the premiere of “Airwolf 2008.”

Awesome Video Of The Day

Dr. Gene Scott Is Angry, Loud

Sometimes I feel like I’m not passionate enough about anything. I don’t have a heartfelt belief in any sort of supreme being, I eat factory-farmed animals, I don’t recycle… when someone asks me if I want to donate a dollar to the blah-blah-blah foundation I usually say “Nah - I’m good.”

TV preacher Dr. Gene Scott (star of Werner Herzog’s God’s Angry Man), on the other hand, might have had TOO MUCH passion. From the looks of it, it made him ornery.

“Delivering long, sometimes rambling, sermons and biblical scholarship, Scott became known for his quirky stage persona as much as his preaching skills. He frequently employed comical props — including an ever-changing assortment of headgear and hats — chomped on cigars, occasionally swore, and played clips of pretty young women dancing during breaks in his presentation.”

I’m not going to pretend to understand what it’s like to be a lunatic televangelist (something I doubt I will ever experience firsthand), but it seems to me that Dr. Scott did it with about as much style & finesse as you possibly can. It’s like he was channeling Jesus, the Devil and your violent, brain-damaged, alcoholic uncle all at the same time. Only louder and angrier and more focused.

Oh - and way more terrifying.

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Awesome Video Of The Day

Backwards Feet Throw It Down

It’s been a rough week, but hey - THANK GOODNESS IT’S FRIDAY, right?! I’d like to send you off on your weekend with something positive and uplifting, something that will make all of your problems seem petty and small and bullshitty in comparison. Your boss might be a jerk, and maybe you can’t quite afford that Crate & Barrel papasan (even though it would look awesome in that spare room), but hey - at least your feet aren’t backwards.

This guy is one of five people in the United States with backwards feet, but you know what? He’s not letting it get him down. Instead, he lugs his boombox out to Venice Beach, dances his ass off and tells his audience they don’t know SHIT about urban street dancing, about how to deal with the disabled, or even about how to deal with their own lives. “The world don’t owe you shit,” he says. “You owe yourself hard work, dedication and self-respect to get what you want in life. Very simple.” And you thought you were just watching some dude with backwards feet dance around all weird. Little did you know you were learning a life lesson.

I just wrote a whole paragraph that I deleted about how he’s a wigger suffering from a Napoleon complex and how someone should challenge him to a race, but then I deleted it because I realized that I found this guy’s story genuinely inspiring. I’ve talked shit about pretty much every video I’ve posted on this blog so far, but I honestly have nothing bad to say about this guy¹. Which means that I will probably never, EVER post anything even remotely inspiring ever again. Inspiration is NOT funny.

(Thanks, Ian)

¹ Other than the fact that the close-up shots that don’t show his legs make him look like a totally normal douchebag that I would be perfectly comfortable making fun of. Oh - and the fact that he’s probably a little too cocky for his own good. And the fact that he seems like the kind of guy who would take a casual drinking contest WAY too far and fall down shitfaced, and all these people would try to help him up because, you know, he’s disabled, and he’d scream “I’M FINE! GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!” But he still wouldn’t be able to get up, and everyone would get really quiet, and he would stumble around for a while and eventually leave the party or bar or whatever, but it would probably be pretty uncomfortable for a little while (unless it was a big, noisy party, in which case nobody would really notice).

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